Winter is not my friend

I love the first snowfall. I love playing in the snow. Ice skating, snowmen, snowball fights, snowboarding & snowmobiling. Snow Snow Snow Snow.

However, winter is not my friend.

Since I take Enbrel, my immune system is severely compromised. It works perfectly for my needs except for that one little bit. Honestly? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fifteen hospital visits a winter in order to walk. Sometimes I'd rather just be healthy, be able to go to class & not have to take incompletes in all of them just so I can catch up. Sometimes.

It's hard. I'm 21 years old and not in the place I need to be. I should be graduating this year. Next semester, even. Instead of waiting until fall of the semester after, maybe even spring semester. I don't fail. I never failed in my life until I was in College, and that is heartbreaking. Just because my body holds me back from something I just want to do.
Interesting, huh?
So, those of you who skip classes just because you can,
or those of you who fail because you didn't put any effort into it,
just try.
Try, because even when I try my hardest, something comes up, and my best isn't really good enough anymore.


Swine of '09

I went and got my Swine Flu shot yesterday. Having an Autoimmune disease post me most at risk for it, therefor I got special treatment & recieved it before it's offered to the general public. I only had to make sure I wasn't allergic to eggs (been eating them my whole life...think I'm safe) and then I was in. After my Doctor's office sent my recrods to actually prove that I an a disease.

An hour later I was sitting in the office waiting for my name to be called. It's funny thinking about all of the hype that's going on about the Swine right now. My little brother had it. I've been on a college campus, and I haven't caught it at all, and I'm the one who's most susseptable to it. Whatever--maybe I'm just sneaky and avoiding it :)

It didn't hurt, even with all of the hype. I expected it to somewhat, like normal shots do. But, my arm wasn't even sore the next day. I didn't even feel the needle go in! Maybe it's because I'm used to 16 gauge needles sticking out of my knee, without numbing solution? I don't know--but it was easy.

Thinking about it, I used to be wary of needles. Even now, I get hyped up but then realize it's nothing I haven't done before. My roommates can't even watch me, or be in the same room when I give myself my Enbrel shot. You can't even see the needle in the sureclick.
See? It's nothing. The only pain I get from that is the actual medicine. It burns. Even then, the burning goes away in a couple minutes. Sure, the area is irritated so I have to wear loose jeans, but not a big deal. It's insane how they faint, throw up, or just get woozy from even talking about a needle.

Honestly, this shot I couldn't even feel. Maybe it was just that specific nurse. Way to go for knowing how to give a shot. It made my experience at Olin a great one.


I'm so sick

of being the girl who's always happy. Always opitimistic. Things will always work out. They do, just not when you want them to. Everything takes time. Well, Time, Time SUCKS.
I need help now. I need monetary help, I need scholarly help, and I need a hug. These past two days everything is seemingly falling apart on me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but it is. It is to me. I hate being in this position and I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm a fixer, and right now I can't fix. I can't fix, I can't help, I can't do anything. I'm scheduled to work right now, but they'll probably tell me not to come in.
This semseter needs to be OVER. I need to pass my classes & move on with my schooling. I'm so ready to be done it's insane. I'm ready to have a big break. I'm done with school and I want to move on with my life. I want to move on.

I'm ready.


Halloween <3

Halloween. The best holiday, in my opinion. My favorite holiday. The one day where I can dress up, be whatever I want to be (ended up picking an old dance costume...I'm one of Tink's fairy friends), and pretend I'm not who I am.

Not that who I am is bad, but it's fun not being me every once in a while. It's fun not having RA, it's fun not worrying about whether today will be the day my leg will swell up once again. It's fun not being the Senior in college with a.) medical debts b.) credit card debt and c.) not enough hours at work.

All my worries go away for one day. Candy, adult beverages, and costumes. With my boy at my side nothing can go wrong. He starts work tomorrow, and tomorrow is when I put in my one 9 hour day a week.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. She spent all of five minutes with me while telling me I could be a poster child for Enbrel. I should be on a commercial making a ton of money!

I wish.

But, I'm all right, my knee is all right, and tonight is going to rock.
Bring on the fun :-D



Four minutes into writing my paper that's due at 3:00 PM today about Fight Club (you'd think it'd be easy and fun to analyze Fight Club, and if I actually put effort into it I'm sure it would be)and I've already taken a study break. Yes, I am that lame. Truth is, I don't really care how to fits into the 'New Historicism' analysis. I know it's a good book, and could psycologically analyze it all day long. However, I just can't bring myself to analyze something that I don't really care about.

I know, as well, that it doesn't matter that I don't care about it. This was the assignment and this is what I have to write about. Whatever. If someone can explain what New Historicism is, and the key parts that go into it, and how the novel fits it just basically, I can bullshit the rest of the story.

But, this is also me.
and I work well under pressure.
That is,
until my procrastinating is done.


I'd be lying..

If I said I didn't care. I do care.
I care that you don't call me back.
I care that you don't answer my texts.
I care that you just send my calls to voicemails.
I care.
I care that we were closer when I was 2,000 miles away.
I care that you have seemingly traded me in for people who you never once clicked with.
I care that you still have my jeans AND my t-shirt.
those were fucking expensive.
I care that you basically just dismissed me.
You don't dismiss people.
I dismiss people.
I care that I didn't have the say in when the relationship was over.
You basically just dumped me on prom night in the rain standing by the curb.
Thanks for being a shitty friend
thanks for being a shitty sister.
Thanks for only talking about stupid fucking home depot drama that I didn't care about.
Grow up.
Realize life isn't just about using guys and being a slut.
Those situations you got yourself into? Yea. that's what you were. A slut with a capital S.
Way to go. I'm sure your mother and sister would be SO proud.
I hate the way you just dismiss me.
I'm honestly starting to hate you.



I'm bold, I'm spunky.
I'm out there, I'm fun.
Why isn't this person I am coming out? Am I scared?
Scared that people won't like me?
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...
but I don't care that much.
I can stand on my own two feet.
I can (I will, and I do) make mistakes.
I'm quirky.
I'm fixed.
I'm finally on the right track.
So why won't I come out?
Why do I feel the need to hide?
I'm funky and wacky.
You can't help but love me.
When I come out.
So why am I always hiding my true self?


Subconcious stress*

I absolutely love how when everything seems fine in my life, when I have 'nothing' to worry about, I feel a dull ache in my knee. Kind of like how some people claim they can feel that it's going to rain, my knee tells me when I'm stressed out. Like today.

Nothing was wrong, I was sitting in garden just writing. Writing my story about my summer, and my knee started just aching. So bad it almost brought me to tears. It's not something that Tylonal can take away, it's a deep bone ache. Lovely that I'm irrational and overemotional, as well, due to that thing called being a girl and having a period. Then I have to go through the process of what I'm stressing out about. That's the thing. Nothing. There is nothing to be stressed out about. Maybe I just needed to take my shot. Then I figured it out.

I was lonely. For no reason, because I know I need this 'alone' time. I could write, I could do homework, I could read. I get to do absolutely nothing until I fall asleep, and I'm really not going to be that pleasant, so why be around people? There's really no reason.

I want to see Mike again. I want to see Matt. Tanner and Barnard as well. I want the boys to be home. That's what I want. Then, I think, I'd be happy & the pain in my knee would only be dull. That, would actually be perfect.



I love having the immune system of a three year old. Really,I do. I love how a common head cold turns my whole world upside down just because I am on a medicine that lowers my immune system to almost nothing.

It means that a cold that would only take 'regular' people a week to get over, might take me two. Maybe two & a half, or possibly more than that.

It's wonderful with flu season sneaking up on us. I can't get the new spray flu vaccine, because it could pose major health risks for me. Fall, as much as I love it, is not my best friend.


and running, running*

I burned my back today. My day off, and I burned my back laying outside reading a book (which I finished in one day). Awesome. I guess it's a good deal that I sleep on my stomache so my back won't get irritated. In a couple of days I will look like the Copper Tone Girl. Awesome.

I took my Enbrel shot out of the freezer today to thaw it out so I can take it in a couple of days. I'm not sure...but I think it was frozen solid. I put it in the fridge hoping it will thaw, if not just warm up a bit. I'll take it in a couple days (I'm shooting for either Friday or Saturday).

I went for a run tonight to get my mind off of things. Money, school, and the thing that's been on my mind a lot today: missing my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. This is a thank you to them, for supporting me since they've known me.

One, for eight years now. Thank you for being there when I couldn't walk and was going through the hardest time of my life. Thank you for letting me go, and letting me grow here in Texas. I hope you do the same in Chicago, and I am so excited for you to begin that. I think I'm more excited than you are...because a part of you believes it won't happen. I promise you--it will. We'll figure it out one way or another. Just because I'm in Texas does not mean I will let you falter. You're my best friend, you're my boy. You can count on me.

The other only knew me for a month, if that, before I left. She and I have become so close in such a short amount of time I'm very upset I did not meet her sooner, especially since she hung out with many many people that I knew from high school. Thank you for supporting me in the hard times that have fallen upon my path since you've known me. You always make me smile and it helps that we're so in tune with what the other wants/needs that we mise as well be lesbian lovers ;).

I can not wait until ya'll are down here for the little time you can be and have fun. It'll be a blast.

The run cleared up many things for me, though. It felt so good to be doing something that four months ago I wasn't able to. I will never ever take running for granted, and even if I go out for fifteen minutes, or an hour, I always come back with a smile on my face. No one understands how exhilerating it is to feel the wind on your face, to push yourself further, and to feel completely exhausted after a run. A lot of people would, and do, hate it--but to me it's corny, but it's a blessing.

Thank you, Dr. Sobotka, for letting me be able to run again. Thank you for letting me be able to travel down to Austin, Texas for the summer and not have knee issues. Last year when I visited Austin for just two weeks, my knee, which was doing really well, decided it couldn't take the heat and swelled up causing me pain every night when I had to entertain a ten year old girl and her best friend during a sleep over. I couldn't play, couldn't swim. I couldn't even walk the dogs.

Maybe all of you should go out for a run. Just because you can.
It's a joy many people don't have anymore :)


?Hablo espanol? !Si!

I started at Depot in Texas today...well, my first real day. There's already talk about the 'new cute cashier from Michigan...I wonder if she's single?'. That was nice. Yet, the one thing that stood out the most:

Mexicans have a lot of nerve. I could never imagine
a.) trying to pick someone up and saying their name wrong (it's KrisTEN, not Christian)
b.)when they're obviously not interested keep pushing the issue
c.)yell to get their attention from another department just so you can say 'hola' and wave.
d.) get their attention again before you leave just so he/she knows your presence is no longer there.

Kevin was right. They're crazy.
It's not like my name is a hard one! Not at all! No offense to anyone out there, but really, it's one of the easiest names to say, even if you have an accent! Not only that, but have some tact! I've dealt with people from Flint all of my life. Yes, they are creepy. Yes, they are manageable. This, though, this is a whole other level of creepy that I don't even know how to handle! I've never had anyone in my entire life try to come on to me as hard as many many mexicans tried today.

Then it made me think...and no offense to anyone that is of hispanic origin out there reading this...but I'm in Texas. How many of those Latino men in Home Depot are illegal immigrants? Just a thought. I'd like to know the numbers on that...however, there probably aren't any.

They are just incredulous. Unbelievable. Insane. Crazy. Loco!

What is amazing, though, is seeing the little white girl speak spanish right back to them. Pretty soon, if I hear one more comment in spanish about how my ass is nice, or how they'd like to 'contigo a su casa' I will 'a la chingada' in their faces. Who, ever, EVER thinks it is alright, even in another LANGUAGE to speak like that about a girl when she's right in front of you?? Let alone AT ALL.

Surprise. You speak spanish? I speak un poquito (a little bit). It impressed a couple of the customers today...but some of the men, I will wait until they come in again or say something so completely out of line that it deserves the little naive white girls come-back.

I grew up around Flint. I can take care of myself. I'm used to creepy. However...some of the people down here are just a whole other brand of creepy that I'm not used to. Thank God I can comprehend most of the language and not be lost and feel too uncomfortable when the customers just go on a rant in espanol.

The stares, though. I get it, I'm the fresh meat, I'm the new girl. I'm from the north, I have dark hair(I've seen mostly blondes down south). Please, though! Get over it! Be discreet! Hath no one learned the art of subtlety anymore?!

It's unfathomable.

It makes me want my support system back. Mitch, who would beat anyone up who even looked at me funny. Phil and Brian, the guys who always had my back when someone even slightly raised their voice. Woody, who would run all of hte creepers off. They took care of their girls at my other store. This one...I'm not so sure about. I mean, I felt that protection the very first day. The new store, they just shrug their shoulders and let it go.
I want my support structure back. I don't want to have to 'a la chingada' a customer. Don't get me wrong, I will. I don't want to, though.

But I won't let myself get into a situation that I can't stick up for myself. It's called manners. The customers at my new store need to learn some.


sorry sorry sorry!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...but this last week has been extremely eventful. Tuesday was my birthday! *yay* 21 now. I went and spent it with a couple of friends at BDubs. It was amazing. I had a smirnoff ice brought to the table with a candle on it! Thanks Jennifer :). I started the evening out with the best margarita ever, switching to a drink called Merry Berri, then a long island iced tea. *yech* may I add. After that I had the smirnoff, and then I had a lemondrop. ohhh yum! All in all, I was still fine. At least, until hte boys gave me shots at the bonfire that night. But that's another story...

Today is my doctors appointment with the Rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get another set of my shots & she can see how well I'm doing. I really want her to know that he helped me out greatly...and I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. She might switch the medication because it is heavy, or she might just let it be. We'll find out.

Hopefully movie night tonight. I've downloaded Bride Wars and really want to watch it again :)
but first...I need to finish this 10 page paper. I'm on page 7 of 10 and running out of material. anyone know anything about the economy from the 80's to the present? You'd think this would be the easiest to write about...but we have to tie it into lecture and my prof. has only been focusing on the political and culture aspects. Not the economy. Stupid university classes.

BUT! At least I'm 21 :)


Livin' on Dreams & Spaghettios, Wonderin' where my life is going to go*

Not having enough money to pay rent is a bitch. Granted, it's what everyone goes through at one time or another (except my parent's, because they're abnormal...or just smart), but it's still a bitch.

It's not a problem getting the money. I just have to work, first. I'm picking up all the hours I can, but it's totally going to suck this weekend with it being Spanish Hell Week. Really. I hate the last few weeks leading up to Exam week. They're stressful, and then add in these economic problems, too. Really? They're not wanted. Lesson learned. Another check marked on my list. Thank you, world.

I haven't been back to my apartment at all yet today. I've just been running aroudn campus and it's been alright. I'm not in a bad mood, rather, I'm content. Maggie and I joked and were stupid about serious situations in class, and it was fun. I think we cheer each other up when we're faced with stupid situations we shouldn't have to deal with. We think a lot alike, and it's good. Honestly, I'm really glad I started talking to her again. I'm kind of sad actually that we faded away in high school & middle school, but whatever! It's COLLEGE and there are no rules now.

I look forward to going to History just because I know she and I can talk about whatever and no judgements will be made. No matter how unsure I am of my situation right now, When we talk about it, it sounds like this is the right plan for me. Thank you, Maggie. It's awesome that we just through the 'rules' out the window and can be great friends once again. You're amazing.

the only thing not sexy about rain is that it smells like worms*

Unless you're on the ocean or near the ocean, right? Then it doesn't smell like worms. Then it's completely sexy and smells amazing (yes, rain does have a smell).

Today I was so groggy it wasn't even funny. I decided the only way to start it before I went to class was to get Beaners and scarf down a bagel. The boys (Barnard and Colin) call me a Beaners addict. In Virginia we were up and about int he morning and I was looking for a Starbucks, seeing as how Beaners is native to Michigan, mostly the East Lansing area. They just opened one up in Houghton Lake, Mt. Pleasant, Davison, and Gaylord. So, when Josh said, 'No, I don't see a Starbucks, but I see a Beaners!" in a very excited tone, I freaked out. I shreeked, "WHERE?!" and he bust out laughing, patting my head and telling me I was an addict, and that statement proved it. *sigh*.

Oh--check out Beaners--now Biggby Coffee. They used to be Beaners (my freshman year of college) before the company decided it was a racial stereotype and got rid of it. However, to MSU students it will forever be Beaners. Sorry to any Latinos out there.

...and now the prof is here. damn for class not being canceled. tiempo para habla espanol!


and PS...if this is Austin, I still love you

Austin, Texas. Where my heart is. Where 6th street, The Texas Longhorns and my Aunt Nette is. Where I get to drive a BMW convertible basically when I want.

More importantly, Austin, Texas, is where I will be living this summer. Where I will embark on a new chapter in my life, without my friends. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, get up and go. Start fresh. Where I can be someone completely different than I am now. It's another shot at College, in a way. This time I wont let myself down, though.

It's scary...
It's a great experience.
It's new...
It's interesting.
Everything will change...
probably for the better.
It's scary, it's uncertain, but it needs to happen.

This will be the true test. This will be a defining moment & time in my life. Maybe another Tattoo is in order? Em and I will have to go get the one we want. Life Goes on. On my foot, I think. I'm not sure, though.

Austin is exciting! It's where I will be living in two years, not even. I need to get used to the idea of being there. Austin is getting closer, and plans are being finalized. As everything is starting to be set in stone, I'm starting to chicken out. What is wrong with me?! I love Austin. I love my aunt, my cousins & my Uncle Marc. I need to get out and experience it.

No inhibitions, no regrets, no excuses. Just get out and do it.


To call...or NOT to call?

Yay for work. Seriously. Christen worked today, and so did Lindsay, and they revived my mood again. They got me thinking, and thanks to Julie, I remembered that I am a very independent and awesome woman.

I can do anything I want to, and I know it. I've overcome so many challenges since I started college it's uncanny.

Freshman year, I had a horrible roommate experience. I worked my way out of that and finished the year with Emory, who is now one of my best friends. Plus, add in my first real heartbreak. Being in a foreign place, falling apart from my best friends, and being dumped by my first 'true' love really, at that time, I thought, put the icing on the cake...but Not only did I hate my living situation, I failed one class and didn't do so great in the rest, landing on the Academic Probation list the end of first semester. Well, long story short I worked my ass off and I got off of it, ending the year with a 2.0 GPA. This coming from the girl who was always on A/B honor roll, and in NHS. But, College isn't high school, and I soon realized that.

The summer of my Freshman year, my knee swelled up. The first time they drained it, I think there was 100 CC's that came out. They took x-rays and did all the regular treatment. Everything was fine, there wasn't any damage to the knee. They didn't have an answer...I just got to walk around in pain. I had a good attitude, though, if I can brag for a second. I knew the doctors were going to find an answer for it, I was sure of that. It bothered me that I couldn't do normal things...like coach baseball for my brother or dance, or even go on walks or bike rides like I used to. But that was okay. An answer was going to be found, I was going to get better.

With a Cortazone shot in September, I did. Then, it was off to school once more. Sophomore year at Michigan State University, so far, has been my best year there. I got into my classes that I needed for my major, and they were awesome. My friends, Mel, Elissa and I spelled trouble. We didn't miss a sporting/drinking event. It was then that I started to finally 'move on' from him...and it wasn't my proudest moment. I'm not going to reveal to the world what happened because I am that ashamed of it. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Everyone makes their mistakes and this one was one of mine. I can't ignore it, though, because it has helped defined me. Then, in March, I felt a "pop" during the night and the next day I had trouble walking. My RA was back...only then we still didn't know what it was.

That summer I was so discouraged. I didn't know who I had turned into, because even though I still had my happy-go-lucky attitude, I would break down to my mother and my best friend. They would see me at my worst. Props to them for helping me out, too. This time...I felt let down. My mom had to keep reminding me that the doctors were going to find a cure. I was just worn out...I didn't feel like there would ever be an end. I was put on Steroids(Predisone), Sulfur pills (Asulfasalizine) and Hydrochloriquin. The Prednisone eased the pain...and the other two pills brought hte swelling down a tad, but not much. I had my knee drained twice that summer. Once 50 CC's was taken out and the next time 75 CC's. Nothing changed, though. Throughout many hospital visits I still stayed the same. I couldn't wear jeans without being uncomfortable. My knee and body looked great on paper. I didn't have any abnormal bloodwork and the x-ray's still showed no damage.

It wasn't until December, 2008 that I felt like I had sprained my wrist. In all actuality, it had started to swell, too. Wearing bracelets irritated it...even wearing a hair tie around my wrist bothered me. In school I had just pulled off Academic Probation for the second time, and was diagnosed with a Math Learning Disability...only after failing my math course for the second time and Economics as well. It was then that my doctor confirmed it was RA, and put me on the 'heavy artilery'. Enbrel. It has been my saving grace.

That brings me to the present. I'm not struggling with school now, but that's because I don't have any math-related courses. My knee is perfect (except for the cracking every time I stand up, but that's okay. I can deal with that). My faith in doctors is restored, and I was right all along. They would find a diagnoses and make me better.

I am a survivor. I preservere...and I will get through this as well. This isn't something that I haven't been through before...millions of people have gone through it before me, millions of people are dealing with it now, and millions of people will deal with it after me.

Now, the only decision is this. Do I call him? Do I want someone to run to? Someone to make me feel better? Or do I move on, by myself, as the independent woman I am? And trust me, I'm not talking about who you think I am.

I honestly, have no idea. It's mean, what I could do...but it's mean what he did to me. Big girls don't cry, they get revenge. But do I want revenge? I thought I had moved on from that. All I know is that I do survive, I do persevere...and I will get through this. This is minor compared to what I have faced.


Ben & Jerry: The only boys I need

I almost went to the field today. It was a gorgeous day out...71* for the first time since September. I'm glad I didn't. Thinking would have just...brought me down more.

One day at a time, that's the way to handle everything. I was so surprised that after one day of crying I was perfectly fine. Then the next day? they were okay... and today? Things were still okay, but a little less so. I don't know. It's amazing to me how I can hang out with him and things can be completely normal, feel just right, like everything will be okay and everything will work out.

Then, out of no where, I feel like I've been sucker-punched in the gut. I want to cry and miss that connection so much. I feel like I've become absolutely nothing but another girl, like he won't miss me this summer when I'm gone, that we never even had anything between us what-so-ever.

It made me feel a certain way that I haven't felt since Prom of my Junior year in high school. Four years ago, I had the feeling that I needed a boyfriend. Which, I don't. I am a very, very independent woman and I can handle myself. I've never needed anyone other than a few good friends to make me alright. I'm always sure of myself and always looking to the future. I hate feeling like this, and need to find a way to get over it ASAP. It makes me feel pathetic and helpless. After everything I've been through in the past few years, I know I am anything but. Just another brick in the road...Just another boy I have to not be possessive over. This one's just harder...because I have an intimate history with him. Oh well. One day at a time. Today just had to be kind of sad.

I took my Enbrel Shot today. Those things cost something like 1,200 dollars a pen or something. Crazy. Maybe I can sell one to pay my rent.

But, I was just dancing in my living room today. Nothing too serious, just kicks and chasses. Dancing and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream make everything look and feel better. :)


What is Rheumatoid Arthritus?

It just occured to me that some/most of you may have heard about Rheumatoid Arthritus, not a lot of people know what it is. Wellll....

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints, the tissue around the joints, as well as other organs in the body. Because it can affect multiple other organs of the body, rheumatoid arthritis is referred to as a systemic illness and is sometimes called rheumatoid disease.

Symptoms vary from person to person. My RA was in my left knee. Inflammation is usually in both knees or two joints, not just one. My case was very rare seeing as how it was only in my left knee until December of 2008, when it spread into my wrist. My wrist wasn't as inflamed as my knee by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt sprained and I couldn't really twist it. Even opening a doorknob was hard to do.

There are various methods of treatment. Steroids are one option, as well as Sulfur pills. Cortazone shots worked at one point for me, but they're unhealthy if taken more than 3 times in a year.

Click HERE for more information about RA

Breaking up with Swartz Creek

Swartz Creek, Michigan is a wonderful place to raise a family. Well, it was.
I liked it, anyways.

All of my friends, including myself, knew that I was never going to stay in Swartz Creek. Which is fine, small towns aren't for everyone. It's funny, though, how when my world is crumbling around me I go to the one place I never thought I wanted to be.

Who says you Can't go home? No one. It's exactly where I went.

My room is my safe-haven. The place where nothing can ever, ever hurt me. I can shut the door and be my 15 year old self again, telling my dad if anyone called the home phone because they couldn't get my cell phone to say I was asleep. I can watch T.V. and cuddle with my teddy bear, just ignorning the rest of the world. The rain can pour, the sun can shine, there could even be a massive earthquake shaking my entire core, and everything would be alright. That is the comfort of my room.

It is in this room, two days ago, that I realized my life...wasn't fun anymore. It was there that I realized my 'friends' weren't my 'friends' anymore. Constant insults and berating when one certain person was around, incessant tears made me realize they weren't growing up with me...and I would truly be breaking up with Swartz Creek...for good.

High School is over. I realized that those 'friends' didn't matter anymore. I did not want to hang out with them, did not want to be around them, did not want to be associated with them. I found out the one friend I hadn't talked to was the one who was there for me, and she will be, no matter what. Lyndsi never went away, and I'm not sure what exactly happened but it did, and we've said we were going to fix it...I don't think we need to 'fix' it anymore. I called, she answered. I cried, she talked to me for an hour. The same would happen if the situation was reversed. We don't have anything to 'fix'. It never left.

She, Lyndsi, is a real friend. Those assholes? They aren't. I'm BREAKING UP with Swartz Creek and it feels GOOD. Nothing is wrong with that town, in fact it holds some of my best memories. But it's time for me to grow up a little bit more. Time for me to live the life I wanted to live, not being held down by relationships or fear. Nothing is going to hold me back, not even my knee.

This summer is going to be the best summer of my life. I only have three more weeks of schools before I can embark on it. These three weeks include my 21st birthday and finals...but bring it on. The summer of my life, in Austin, Texas, needs to start now. I need to be on a plane having that summer I've always dreamed of. I'm going to make it happen.
Life goes on...
and it's time mine starts figuring that out.
I'm 20. What's different about my life from anyone elses? Nothing, really. Just the fact that I am a Journalism student at Michigan State University and, oh yea...
I have a chronic illness, which makes my daily life just peachy.

In February I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritus. I had it for two years and, for the most part, couldn't walk. I went from dancing for 13 years to not being able to walk in the morning when I woke up. Can anyone even fathom that? It sucks not being able to do something that you've been doing since you were 3. Let alone not being able to participate in your passion, your outlet for the issues I face. It is possibly the second worst feeling in the world to me.

My doctor (who is absolutely amazing) put me on the Enbrel shot as a last resort in February. I give myself a weekly shot, and there's pain for fifteen minutes as opposed to every single time I walk. I think it's a pretty good trade-off. And, there's even hope that I might go into remission with it :)

No one can understand how devestating it really is to wake up one morning and have your knee be the size of a grapefruit. However, Life goes on. It doesn't wait for you, it doesn't give anyone any breaks. You live with them, get through them, and become a better person because of it. I'm only 20, and I know I haven't figured the world out...but that much is obvious to me by now.

There are good days and there are bad days. You, will experience them all with me. Go on the journey that is my life, and realize, that at the end of the day, life goes on...and things could be way, way worse.