sorry sorry sorry!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...but this last week has been extremely eventful. Tuesday was my birthday! *yay* 21 now. I went and spent it with a couple of friends at BDubs. It was amazing. I had a smirnoff ice brought to the table with a candle on it! Thanks Jennifer :). I started the evening out with the best margarita ever, switching to a drink called Merry Berri, then a long island iced tea. *yech* may I add. After that I had the smirnoff, and then I had a lemondrop. ohhh yum! All in all, I was still fine. At least, until hte boys gave me shots at the bonfire that night. But that's another story...

Today is my doctors appointment with the Rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get another set of my shots & she can see how well I'm doing. I really want her to know that he helped me out greatly...and I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. She might switch the medication because it is heavy, or she might just let it be. We'll find out.

Hopefully movie night tonight. I've downloaded Bride Wars and really want to watch it again :)
but first...I need to finish this 10 page paper. I'm on page 7 of 10 and running out of material. anyone know anything about the economy from the 80's to the present? You'd think this would be the easiest to write about...but we have to tie it into lecture and my prof. has only been focusing on the political and culture aspects. Not the economy. Stupid university classes.

BUT! At least I'm 21 :)


Livin' on Dreams & Spaghettios, Wonderin' where my life is going to go*

Not having enough money to pay rent is a bitch. Granted, it's what everyone goes through at one time or another (except my parent's, because they're abnormal...or just smart), but it's still a bitch.

It's not a problem getting the money. I just have to work, first. I'm picking up all the hours I can, but it's totally going to suck this weekend with it being Spanish Hell Week. Really. I hate the last few weeks leading up to Exam week. They're stressful, and then add in these economic problems, too. Really? They're not wanted. Lesson learned. Another check marked on my list. Thank you, world.

I haven't been back to my apartment at all yet today. I've just been running aroudn campus and it's been alright. I'm not in a bad mood, rather, I'm content. Maggie and I joked and were stupid about serious situations in class, and it was fun. I think we cheer each other up when we're faced with stupid situations we shouldn't have to deal with. We think a lot alike, and it's good. Honestly, I'm really glad I started talking to her again. I'm kind of sad actually that we faded away in high school & middle school, but whatever! It's COLLEGE and there are no rules now.

I look forward to going to History just because I know she and I can talk about whatever and no judgements will be made. No matter how unsure I am of my situation right now, When we talk about it, it sounds like this is the right plan for me. Thank you, Maggie. It's awesome that we just through the 'rules' out the window and can be great friends once again. You're amazing.

the only thing not sexy about rain is that it smells like worms*

Unless you're on the ocean or near the ocean, right? Then it doesn't smell like worms. Then it's completely sexy and smells amazing (yes, rain does have a smell).

Today I was so groggy it wasn't even funny. I decided the only way to start it before I went to class was to get Beaners and scarf down a bagel. The boys (Barnard and Colin) call me a Beaners addict. In Virginia we were up and about int he morning and I was looking for a Starbucks, seeing as how Beaners is native to Michigan, mostly the East Lansing area. They just opened one up in Houghton Lake, Mt. Pleasant, Davison, and Gaylord. So, when Josh said, 'No, I don't see a Starbucks, but I see a Beaners!" in a very excited tone, I freaked out. I shreeked, "WHERE?!" and he bust out laughing, patting my head and telling me I was an addict, and that statement proved it. *sigh*.

Oh--check out Beaners--now Biggby Coffee. They used to be Beaners (my freshman year of college) before the company decided it was a racial stereotype and got rid of it. However, to MSU students it will forever be Beaners. Sorry to any Latinos out there.

...and now the prof is here. damn for class not being canceled. tiempo para habla espanol!


and PS...if this is Austin, I still love you

Austin, Texas. Where my heart is. Where 6th street, The Texas Longhorns and my Aunt Nette is. Where I get to drive a BMW convertible basically when I want.

More importantly, Austin, Texas, is where I will be living this summer. Where I will embark on a new chapter in my life, without my friends. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, get up and go. Start fresh. Where I can be someone completely different than I am now. It's another shot at College, in a way. This time I wont let myself down, though.

It's scary...
It's a great experience.
It's new...
It's interesting.
Everything will change...
probably for the better.
It's scary, it's uncertain, but it needs to happen.

This will be the true test. This will be a defining moment & time in my life. Maybe another Tattoo is in order? Em and I will have to go get the one we want. Life Goes on. On my foot, I think. I'm not sure, though.

Austin is exciting! It's where I will be living in two years, not even. I need to get used to the idea of being there. Austin is getting closer, and plans are being finalized. As everything is starting to be set in stone, I'm starting to chicken out. What is wrong with me?! I love Austin. I love my aunt, my cousins & my Uncle Marc. I need to get out and experience it.

No inhibitions, no regrets, no excuses. Just get out and do it.


To call...or NOT to call?

Yay for work. Seriously. Christen worked today, and so did Lindsay, and they revived my mood again. They got me thinking, and thanks to Julie, I remembered that I am a very independent and awesome woman.

I can do anything I want to, and I know it. I've overcome so many challenges since I started college it's uncanny.

Freshman year, I had a horrible roommate experience. I worked my way out of that and finished the year with Emory, who is now one of my best friends. Plus, add in my first real heartbreak. Being in a foreign place, falling apart from my best friends, and being dumped by my first 'true' love really, at that time, I thought, put the icing on the cake...but Not only did I hate my living situation, I failed one class and didn't do so great in the rest, landing on the Academic Probation list the end of first semester. Well, long story short I worked my ass off and I got off of it, ending the year with a 2.0 GPA. This coming from the girl who was always on A/B honor roll, and in NHS. But, College isn't high school, and I soon realized that.

The summer of my Freshman year, my knee swelled up. The first time they drained it, I think there was 100 CC's that came out. They took x-rays and did all the regular treatment. Everything was fine, there wasn't any damage to the knee. They didn't have an answer...I just got to walk around in pain. I had a good attitude, though, if I can brag for a second. I knew the doctors were going to find an answer for it, I was sure of that. It bothered me that I couldn't do normal things...like coach baseball for my brother or dance, or even go on walks or bike rides like I used to. But that was okay. An answer was going to be found, I was going to get better.

With a Cortazone shot in September, I did. Then, it was off to school once more. Sophomore year at Michigan State University, so far, has been my best year there. I got into my classes that I needed for my major, and they were awesome. My friends, Mel, Elissa and I spelled trouble. We didn't miss a sporting/drinking event. It was then that I started to finally 'move on' from him...and it wasn't my proudest moment. I'm not going to reveal to the world what happened because I am that ashamed of it. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Everyone makes their mistakes and this one was one of mine. I can't ignore it, though, because it has helped defined me. Then, in March, I felt a "pop" during the night and the next day I had trouble walking. My RA was back...only then we still didn't know what it was.

That summer I was so discouraged. I didn't know who I had turned into, because even though I still had my happy-go-lucky attitude, I would break down to my mother and my best friend. They would see me at my worst. Props to them for helping me out, too. This time...I felt let down. My mom had to keep reminding me that the doctors were going to find a cure. I was just worn out...I didn't feel like there would ever be an end. I was put on Steroids(Predisone), Sulfur pills (Asulfasalizine) and Hydrochloriquin. The Prednisone eased the pain...and the other two pills brought hte swelling down a tad, but not much. I had my knee drained twice that summer. Once 50 CC's was taken out and the next time 75 CC's. Nothing changed, though. Throughout many hospital visits I still stayed the same. I couldn't wear jeans without being uncomfortable. My knee and body looked great on paper. I didn't have any abnormal bloodwork and the x-ray's still showed no damage.

It wasn't until December, 2008 that I felt like I had sprained my wrist. In all actuality, it had started to swell, too. Wearing bracelets irritated it...even wearing a hair tie around my wrist bothered me. In school I had just pulled off Academic Probation for the second time, and was diagnosed with a Math Learning Disability...only after failing my math course for the second time and Economics as well. It was then that my doctor confirmed it was RA, and put me on the 'heavy artilery'. Enbrel. It has been my saving grace.

That brings me to the present. I'm not struggling with school now, but that's because I don't have any math-related courses. My knee is perfect (except for the cracking every time I stand up, but that's okay. I can deal with that). My faith in doctors is restored, and I was right all along. They would find a diagnoses and make me better.

I am a survivor. I preservere...and I will get through this as well. This isn't something that I haven't been through before...millions of people have gone through it before me, millions of people are dealing with it now, and millions of people will deal with it after me.

Now, the only decision is this. Do I call him? Do I want someone to run to? Someone to make me feel better? Or do I move on, by myself, as the independent woman I am? And trust me, I'm not talking about who you think I am.

I honestly, have no idea. It's mean, what I could do...but it's mean what he did to me. Big girls don't cry, they get revenge. But do I want revenge? I thought I had moved on from that. All I know is that I do survive, I do persevere...and I will get through this. This is minor compared to what I have faced.


Ben & Jerry: The only boys I need

I almost went to the field today. It was a gorgeous day out...71* for the first time since September. I'm glad I didn't. Thinking would have just...brought me down more.

One day at a time, that's the way to handle everything. I was so surprised that after one day of crying I was perfectly fine. Then the next day? they were okay... and today? Things were still okay, but a little less so. I don't know. It's amazing to me how I can hang out with him and things can be completely normal, feel just right, like everything will be okay and everything will work out.

Then, out of no where, I feel like I've been sucker-punched in the gut. I want to cry and miss that connection so much. I feel like I've become absolutely nothing but another girl, like he won't miss me this summer when I'm gone, that we never even had anything between us what-so-ever.

It made me feel a certain way that I haven't felt since Prom of my Junior year in high school. Four years ago, I had the feeling that I needed a boyfriend. Which, I don't. I am a very, very independent woman and I can handle myself. I've never needed anyone other than a few good friends to make me alright. I'm always sure of myself and always looking to the future. I hate feeling like this, and need to find a way to get over it ASAP. It makes me feel pathetic and helpless. After everything I've been through in the past few years, I know I am anything but. Just another brick in the road...Just another boy I have to not be possessive over. This one's just harder...because I have an intimate history with him. Oh well. One day at a time. Today just had to be kind of sad.

I took my Enbrel Shot today. Those things cost something like 1,200 dollars a pen or something. Crazy. Maybe I can sell one to pay my rent.

But, I was just dancing in my living room today. Nothing too serious, just kicks and chasses. Dancing and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream make everything look and feel better. :)


What is Rheumatoid Arthritus?

It just occured to me that some/most of you may have heard about Rheumatoid Arthritus, not a lot of people know what it is. Wellll....

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints, the tissue around the joints, as well as other organs in the body. Because it can affect multiple other organs of the body, rheumatoid arthritis is referred to as a systemic illness and is sometimes called rheumatoid disease.

Symptoms vary from person to person. My RA was in my left knee. Inflammation is usually in both knees or two joints, not just one. My case was very rare seeing as how it was only in my left knee until December of 2008, when it spread into my wrist. My wrist wasn't as inflamed as my knee by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt sprained and I couldn't really twist it. Even opening a doorknob was hard to do.

There are various methods of treatment. Steroids are one option, as well as Sulfur pills. Cortazone shots worked at one point for me, but they're unhealthy if taken more than 3 times in a year.

Click HERE for more information about RA

Breaking up with Swartz Creek

Swartz Creek, Michigan is a wonderful place to raise a family. Well, it was.
I liked it, anyways.

All of my friends, including myself, knew that I was never going to stay in Swartz Creek. Which is fine, small towns aren't for everyone. It's funny, though, how when my world is crumbling around me I go to the one place I never thought I wanted to be.

Who says you Can't go home? No one. It's exactly where I went.

My room is my safe-haven. The place where nothing can ever, ever hurt me. I can shut the door and be my 15 year old self again, telling my dad if anyone called the home phone because they couldn't get my cell phone to say I was asleep. I can watch T.V. and cuddle with my teddy bear, just ignorning the rest of the world. The rain can pour, the sun can shine, there could even be a massive earthquake shaking my entire core, and everything would be alright. That is the comfort of my room.

It is in this room, two days ago, that I realized my life...wasn't fun anymore. It was there that I realized my 'friends' weren't my 'friends' anymore. Constant insults and berating when one certain person was around, incessant tears made me realize they weren't growing up with me...and I would truly be breaking up with Swartz Creek...for good.

High School is over. I realized that those 'friends' didn't matter anymore. I did not want to hang out with them, did not want to be around them, did not want to be associated with them. I found out the one friend I hadn't talked to was the one who was there for me, and she will be, no matter what. Lyndsi never went away, and I'm not sure what exactly happened but it did, and we've said we were going to fix it...I don't think we need to 'fix' it anymore. I called, she answered. I cried, she talked to me for an hour. The same would happen if the situation was reversed. We don't have anything to 'fix'. It never left.

She, Lyndsi, is a real friend. Those assholes? They aren't. I'm BREAKING UP with Swartz Creek and it feels GOOD. Nothing is wrong with that town, in fact it holds some of my best memories. But it's time for me to grow up a little bit more. Time for me to live the life I wanted to live, not being held down by relationships or fear. Nothing is going to hold me back, not even my knee.

This summer is going to be the best summer of my life. I only have three more weeks of schools before I can embark on it. These three weeks include my 21st birthday and finals...but bring it on. The summer of my life, in Austin, Texas, needs to start now. I need to be on a plane having that summer I've always dreamed of. I'm going to make it happen.
Life goes on...
and it's time mine starts figuring that out.
I'm 20. What's different about my life from anyone elses? Nothing, really. Just the fact that I am a Journalism student at Michigan State University and, oh yea...
I have a chronic illness, which makes my daily life just peachy.

In February I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritus. I had it for two years and, for the most part, couldn't walk. I went from dancing for 13 years to not being able to walk in the morning when I woke up. Can anyone even fathom that? It sucks not being able to do something that you've been doing since you were 3. Let alone not being able to participate in your passion, your outlet for the issues I face. It is possibly the second worst feeling in the world to me.

My doctor (who is absolutely amazing) put me on the Enbrel shot as a last resort in February. I give myself a weekly shot, and there's pain for fifteen minutes as opposed to every single time I walk. I think it's a pretty good trade-off. And, there's even hope that I might go into remission with it :)

No one can understand how devestating it really is to wake up one morning and have your knee be the size of a grapefruit. However, Life goes on. It doesn't wait for you, it doesn't give anyone any breaks. You live with them, get through them, and become a better person because of it. I'm only 20, and I know I haven't figured the world out...but that much is obvious to me by now.

There are good days and there are bad days. You, will experience them all with me. Go on the journey that is my life, and realize, that at the end of the day, life goes on...and things could be way, way worse.