missing you

I miss my best friend.

It's not as hard as it was last time...
but I want to be able to call anytime.
The only person stopping me is me,
and maybe that's the problem. I need to not call him, though.
It'll only make the situation worse, and make me believe I want something I don't.

I just want my best friend back (even though he never left).

No worries*

I beg for the days where I didn't measure everything in 'good hours' or 'bad hours'. I beg for the days when my bigget worry was why my best friend was mad at me. I beg for the days where I was practically worriless.

I realize this is all a part of growing up, and I welcome it. I just wish I were happier. I wish I was far away, being the independent amazing person I can be, instead of plagued with worn out memories and upsetting situations.

I wake up every morning with recollections of dreams from the night before. More and more they're reminding me I'm in a place I shouldn't be. Physically and mentally.

I'm left worshipping and greiving a friendship that has defined me for five years...and that is just plain wrong. I'm better than that, better than waiting for a friend to actually be in a friendship. Better than being put down every five minutes.

I know it's in joking fashion (sometimes), but it still hurts. I'm better than waiting all night for a phone call that'll never come. I'm better than being the last resort for plans. I'm just better than it all.

I'm done not having any self-esteem because someone inadvertantly tears it down. It's over, done for.
He will always be my friend, but it's better to be friends from a distance. That way, I can't get hurt. He can't hurt me.

That statement is still so far from the actual truth. Oh well. As my 12 year old cousin would tell me: Get over it. Life is too short to lose another 5 years of my life to nasty words and not-always-there friends.
I'm not going to do it.


Tryin' to grow up, but who knows where to start?

It's been a while since I've written, but I feel the need to get something out. None of that 'life is hard, there's heartache and heartbreak and blah blah blah.
...sort of.

It's about needing to do something with my life and not feeling stuck. Stuck in the cycle of shots, treatments, tears, romance and betrayal. I'm in on a merry-go-round that never ends. It ended for a brief period of time, but I'm right back on that ride, right back where I don't want to be.

I need to figure it out fast, too. My lease is ending, and with that I'll need to enroll in school closer to home, transfer my job, and just plain figure life out. I'm stuck in that phase somewhere between I know who I am, and I Know who I want to be, but how do I get there? How do I make the transition from struggling 22 year old college student to comfortable (physically, mentally and emotionally) 23 year old? I have a whole year to do it...but, my goal is by the end of summer. Unrealistic? Maybe.
Possible? We'll see. All I need is a plan. A plan that has twists and turns, edits and rewritings.
And no more tears.