Halloween <3

Halloween. The best holiday, in my opinion. My favorite holiday. The one day where I can dress up, be whatever I want to be (ended up picking an old dance costume...I'm one of Tink's fairy friends), and pretend I'm not who I am.

Not that who I am is bad, but it's fun not being me every once in a while. It's fun not having RA, it's fun not worrying about whether today will be the day my leg will swell up once again. It's fun not being the Senior in college with a.) medical debts b.) credit card debt and c.) not enough hours at work.

All my worries go away for one day. Candy, adult beverages, and costumes. With my boy at my side nothing can go wrong. He starts work tomorrow, and tomorrow is when I put in my one 9 hour day a week.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. She spent all of five minutes with me while telling me I could be a poster child for Enbrel. I should be on a commercial making a ton of money!

I wish.

But, I'm all right, my knee is all right, and tonight is going to rock.
Bring on the fun :-D



Four minutes into writing my paper that's due at 3:00 PM today about Fight Club (you'd think it'd be easy and fun to analyze Fight Club, and if I actually put effort into it I'm sure it would be)and I've already taken a study break. Yes, I am that lame. Truth is, I don't really care how to fits into the 'New Historicism' analysis. I know it's a good book, and could psycologically analyze it all day long. However, I just can't bring myself to analyze something that I don't really care about.

I know, as well, that it doesn't matter that I don't care about it. This was the assignment and this is what I have to write about. Whatever. If someone can explain what New Historicism is, and the key parts that go into it, and how the novel fits it just basically, I can bullshit the rest of the story.

But, this is also me.
and I work well under pressure.
That is,
until my procrastinating is done.


I'd be lying..

If I said I didn't care. I do care.
I care that you don't call me back.
I care that you don't answer my texts.
I care that you just send my calls to voicemails.
I care.
I care that we were closer when I was 2,000 miles away.
I care that you have seemingly traded me in for people who you never once clicked with.
I care that you still have my jeans AND my t-shirt.
those were fucking expensive.
I care that you basically just dismissed me.
You don't dismiss people.
I dismiss people.
I care that I didn't have the say in when the relationship was over.
You basically just dumped me on prom night in the rain standing by the curb.
Thanks for being a shitty friend
thanks for being a shitty sister.
Thanks for only talking about stupid fucking home depot drama that I didn't care about.
Grow up.
Realize life isn't just about using guys and being a slut.
Those situations you got yourself into? Yea. that's what you were. A slut with a capital S.
Way to go. I'm sure your mother and sister would be SO proud.
I hate the way you just dismiss me.
I'm honestly starting to hate you.



I'm bold, I'm spunky.
I'm out there, I'm fun.
Why isn't this person I am coming out? Am I scared?
Scared that people won't like me?
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...
but I don't care that much.
I can stand on my own two feet.
I can (I will, and I do) make mistakes.
I'm quirky.
I'm fixed.
I'm finally on the right track.
So why won't I come out?
Why do I feel the need to hide?
I'm funky and wacky.
You can't help but love me.
When I come out.
So why am I always hiding my true self?


Subconcious stress*

I absolutely love how when everything seems fine in my life, when I have 'nothing' to worry about, I feel a dull ache in my knee. Kind of like how some people claim they can feel that it's going to rain, my knee tells me when I'm stressed out. Like today.

Nothing was wrong, I was sitting in garden just writing. Writing my story about my summer, and my knee started just aching. So bad it almost brought me to tears. It's not something that Tylonal can take away, it's a deep bone ache. Lovely that I'm irrational and overemotional, as well, due to that thing called being a girl and having a period. Then I have to go through the process of what I'm stressing out about. That's the thing. Nothing. There is nothing to be stressed out about. Maybe I just needed to take my shot. Then I figured it out.

I was lonely. For no reason, because I know I need this 'alone' time. I could write, I could do homework, I could read. I get to do absolutely nothing until I fall asleep, and I'm really not going to be that pleasant, so why be around people? There's really no reason.

I want to see Mike again. I want to see Matt. Tanner and Barnard as well. I want the boys to be home. That's what I want. Then, I think, I'd be happy & the pain in my knee would only be dull. That, would actually be perfect.



I love having the immune system of a three year old. Really,I do. I love how a common head cold turns my whole world upside down just because I am on a medicine that lowers my immune system to almost nothing.

It means that a cold that would only take 'regular' people a week to get over, might take me two. Maybe two & a half, or possibly more than that.

It's wonderful with flu season sneaking up on us. I can't get the new spray flu vaccine, because it could pose major health risks for me. Fall, as much as I love it, is not my best friend.