To call...or NOT to call?

Yay for work. Seriously. Christen worked today, and so did Lindsay, and they revived my mood again. They got me thinking, and thanks to Julie, I remembered that I am a very independent and awesome woman.

I can do anything I want to, and I know it. I've overcome so many challenges since I started college it's uncanny.

Freshman year, I had a horrible roommate experience. I worked my way out of that and finished the year with Emory, who is now one of my best friends. Plus, add in my first real heartbreak. Being in a foreign place, falling apart from my best friends, and being dumped by my first 'true' love really, at that time, I thought, put the icing on the cake...but Not only did I hate my living situation, I failed one class and didn't do so great in the rest, landing on the Academic Probation list the end of first semester. Well, long story short I worked my ass off and I got off of it, ending the year with a 2.0 GPA. This coming from the girl who was always on A/B honor roll, and in NHS. But, College isn't high school, and I soon realized that.

The summer of my Freshman year, my knee swelled up. The first time they drained it, I think there was 100 CC's that came out. They took x-rays and did all the regular treatment. Everything was fine, there wasn't any damage to the knee. They didn't have an answer...I just got to walk around in pain. I had a good attitude, though, if I can brag for a second. I knew the doctors were going to find an answer for it, I was sure of that. It bothered me that I couldn't do normal things...like coach baseball for my brother or dance, or even go on walks or bike rides like I used to. But that was okay. An answer was going to be found, I was going to get better.

With a Cortazone shot in September, I did. Then, it was off to school once more. Sophomore year at Michigan State University, so far, has been my best year there. I got into my classes that I needed for my major, and they were awesome. My friends, Mel, Elissa and I spelled trouble. We didn't miss a sporting/drinking event. It was then that I started to finally 'move on' from him...and it wasn't my proudest moment. I'm not going to reveal to the world what happened because I am that ashamed of it. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Everyone makes their mistakes and this one was one of mine. I can't ignore it, though, because it has helped defined me. Then, in March, I felt a "pop" during the night and the next day I had trouble walking. My RA was back...only then we still didn't know what it was.

That summer I was so discouraged. I didn't know who I had turned into, because even though I still had my happy-go-lucky attitude, I would break down to my mother and my best friend. They would see me at my worst. Props to them for helping me out, too. This time...I felt let down. My mom had to keep reminding me that the doctors were going to find a cure. I was just worn out...I didn't feel like there would ever be an end. I was put on Steroids(Predisone), Sulfur pills (Asulfasalizine) and Hydrochloriquin. The Prednisone eased the pain...and the other two pills brought hte swelling down a tad, but not much. I had my knee drained twice that summer. Once 50 CC's was taken out and the next time 75 CC's. Nothing changed, though. Throughout many hospital visits I still stayed the same. I couldn't wear jeans without being uncomfortable. My knee and body looked great on paper. I didn't have any abnormal bloodwork and the x-ray's still showed no damage.

It wasn't until December, 2008 that I felt like I had sprained my wrist. In all actuality, it had started to swell, too. Wearing bracelets irritated it...even wearing a hair tie around my wrist bothered me. In school I had just pulled off Academic Probation for the second time, and was diagnosed with a Math Learning Disability...only after failing my math course for the second time and Economics as well. It was then that my doctor confirmed it was RA, and put me on the 'heavy artilery'. Enbrel. It has been my saving grace.

That brings me to the present. I'm not struggling with school now, but that's because I don't have any math-related courses. My knee is perfect (except for the cracking every time I stand up, but that's okay. I can deal with that). My faith in doctors is restored, and I was right all along. They would find a diagnoses and make me better.

I am a survivor. I preservere...and I will get through this as well. This isn't something that I haven't been through before...millions of people have gone through it before me, millions of people are dealing with it now, and millions of people will deal with it after me.

Now, the only decision is this. Do I call him? Do I want someone to run to? Someone to make me feel better? Or do I move on, by myself, as the independent woman I am? And trust me, I'm not talking about who you think I am.

I honestly, have no idea. It's mean, what I could do...but it's mean what he did to me. Big girls don't cry, they get revenge. But do I want revenge? I thought I had moved on from that. All I know is that I do survive, I do persevere...and I will get through this. This is minor compared to what I have faced.