Winter is not my friend

I love the first snowfall. I love playing in the snow. Ice skating, snowmen, snowball fights, snowboarding & snowmobiling. Snow Snow Snow Snow.

However, winter is not my friend.

Since I take Enbrel, my immune system is severely compromised. It works perfectly for my needs except for that one little bit. Honestly? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fifteen hospital visits a winter in order to walk. Sometimes I'd rather just be healthy, be able to go to class & not have to take incompletes in all of them just so I can catch up. Sometimes.

It's hard. I'm 21 years old and not in the place I need to be. I should be graduating this year. Next semester, even. Instead of waiting until fall of the semester after, maybe even spring semester. I don't fail. I never failed in my life until I was in College, and that is heartbreaking. Just because my body holds me back from something I just want to do.
Interesting, huh?
So, those of you who skip classes just because you can,
or those of you who fail because you didn't put any effort into it,
just try.
Try, because even when I try my hardest, something comes up, and my best isn't really good enough anymore.

Swine of '09

I went and got my Swine Flu shot yesterday. Having an Autoimmune disease post me most at risk for it, therefor I got special treatment & recieved it before it's offered to the general public. I only had to make sure I wasn't allergic to eggs (been eating them my whole life...think I'm safe) and then I was in. After my Doctor's office sent my recrods to actually prove that I an a disease.

An hour later I was sitting in the office waiting for my name to be called. It's funny thinking about all of the hype that's going on about the Swine right now. My little brother had it. I've been on a college campus, and I haven't caught it at all, and I'm the one who's most susseptable to it. Whatever--maybe I'm just sneaky and avoiding it :)

It didn't hurt, even with all of the hype. I expected it to somewhat, like normal shots do. But, my arm wasn't even sore the next day. I didn't even feel the needle go in! Maybe it's because I'm used to 16 gauge needles sticking out of my knee, without numbing solution? I don't know--but it was easy.

Thinking about it, I used to be wary of needles. Even now, I get hyped up but then realize it's nothing I haven't done before. My roommates can't even watch me, or be in the same room when I give myself my Enbrel shot. You can't even see the needle in the sureclick.
See? It's nothing. The only pain I get from that is the actual medicine. It burns. Even then, the burning goes away in a couple minutes. Sure, the area is irritated so I have to wear loose jeans, but not a big deal. It's insane how they faint, throw up, or just get woozy from even talking about a needle.

Honestly, this shot I couldn't even feel. Maybe it was just that specific nurse. Way to go for knowing how to give a shot. It made my experience at Olin a great one.

I'm so sick

of being the girl who's always happy. Always opitimistic. Things will always work out. They do, just not when you want them to. Everything takes time. Well, Time, Time SUCKS.
I need help now. I need monetary help, I need scholarly help, and I need a hug. These past two days everything is seemingly falling apart on me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but it is. It is to me. I hate being in this position and I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm a fixer, and right now I can't fix. I can't fix, I can't help, I can't do anything. I'm scheduled to work right now, but they'll probably tell me not to come in.
This semseter needs to be OVER. I need to pass my classes & move on with my schooling. I'm so ready to be done it's insane. I'm ready to have a big break. I'm done with school and I want to move on with my life. I want to move on.

I'm ready.

Halloween <3

Halloween. The best holiday, in my opinion. My favorite holiday. The one day where I can dress up, be whatever I want to be (ended up picking an old dance costume...I'm one of Tink's fairy friends), and pretend I'm not who I am.

Not that who I am is bad, but it's fun not being me every once in a while. It's fun not having RA, it's fun not worrying about whether today will be the day my leg will swell up once again. It's fun not being the Senior in college with a.) medical debts b.) credit card debt and c.) not enough hours at work.

All my worries go away for one day. Candy, adult beverages, and costumes. With my boy at my side nothing can go wrong. He starts work tomorrow, and tomorrow is when I put in my one 9 hour day a week.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. She spent all of five minutes with me while telling me I could be a poster child for Enbrel. I should be on a commercial making a ton of money!

I wish.

But, I'm all right, my knee is all right, and tonight is going to rock.
Bring on the fun :-D

Procrastination

Four minutes into writing my paper that's due at 3:00 PM today about Fight Club (you'd think it'd be easy and fun to analyze Fight Club, and if I actually put effort into it I'm sure it would be)and I've already taken a study break. Yes, I am that lame. Truth is, I don't really care how to fits into the 'New Historicism' analysis. I know it's a good book, and could psycologically analyze it all day long. However, I just can't bring myself to analyze something that I don't really care about.

I know, as well, that it doesn't matter that I don't care about it. This was the assignment and this is what I have to write about. Whatever. If someone can explain what New Historicism is, and the key parts that go into it, and how the novel fits it just basically, I can bullshit the rest of the story.

But, this is also me.
and I work well under pressure.
That is,
until my procrastinating is done.

I'd be lying..

If I said I didn't care. I do care.
I care that you don't call me back.
I care that you don't answer my texts.
I care that you just send my calls to voicemails.
I care.
I care that we were closer when I was 2,000 miles away.
I care that you have seemingly traded me in for people who you never once clicked with.
I care that you still have my jeans AND my t-shirt.
those were fucking expensive.
I care that you basically just dismissed me.
You don't dismiss people.
I dismiss people.
I care that I didn't have the say in when the relationship was over.
You basically just dumped me on prom night in the rain standing by the curb.
Thanks.
Thanks for being a shitty friend
thanks for being a shitty sister.
Thanks for only talking about stupid fucking home depot drama that I didn't care about.
Grow up.
Realize life isn't just about using guys and being a slut.
Those situations you got yourself into? Yea. that's what you were. A slut with a capital S.
Way to go. I'm sure your mother and sister would be SO proud.
I hate the way you just dismiss me.
I'm honestly starting to hate you.

hiding

I'm bold, I'm spunky.
I'm out there, I'm fun.
Why isn't this person I am coming out? Am I scared?
Scared that people won't like me?
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...
but I don't care that much.
I can stand on my own two feet.
I can (I will, and I do) make mistakes.
I'm quirky.
I'm fixed.
I'm finally on the right track.
So why won't I come out?
Why do I feel the need to hide?
I'm funky and wacky.
You can't help but love me.
When I come out.
So why am I always hiding my true self?