That Stupid Piece of Metal

Who would have thought a key would scare me this much? It's just a standard key, a piece of metal that fits in my hand. It's nothing cheesy like 'the key to my heart' or what-not. It opens a door, which is in a standard door jam, white, with two locks. It's a key that scares the ever-loving-crap out of me.


It's the key to his house.
This is how much he trusts me.
This is how much he's letting me in.

This is how I know I'm in trouble. The good kind of trouble. The, 'ohmylanta do I really want to be in this kind of trouble?' trouble. The kind that has me picking linens, and venues, and saying, "No, mother, I don't think a ceremony on a pier would be too much, and Yes, if you're wondering, I'd love to have the fishermen sitting there as well." trouble.

I'm screwed.
This, I am certain of.

I go to sleep with a smile on my face every night, and at the risk of seemingly completely bat-shit-insane, everytime he calls me beautiful, I actually start to believe it. So, let's go back to this key.

This is how I know I'm 95% screwed, because I can never be 100% invested in something emotionally, oh no. I always have to have my guard up, and part of me thinks I'm insane.  For what? Well-- here's 8 reasons.

1.) for planning something that we're not even a month into yet
2.) for thinking a Key means so much
3.) for taking a chance.
4.) for risking everything, once again.
5.) for re-thinking my not wanting to have children
6.) for re-thinking my not wanting to even get married
7.) for re-thinking everything I've decided I wanted for myself in the past year.
8.) for having faith.
You have to have it though, right? Without the faith that he cares that much about you, without the faith that he won't hurt you, and if I didn't have faith that this won't end up in a horrible train-wreck waiting to happen way....what the hell am I doing in it in the first place?

I have faith in that key.
I have faith in every single kiss.
I have faith in our pillows.
I have faith in us.
And that scares me more than the stupid key.