I have no money.
Really, I don't. Now, my aunt wants to sit down and look at my finances. Not a big deal, I need to. I just added it all up. I'm $2,251.60 in debt. To whom? Who would a 22 year old girl be in debt to? Well let's see. Grandma, Kay Jewelers, Buckle (thanks, ex boyfriend, for introducing me to THAT store), and Victorias Secret. They wouldn't be that bad if it were just Grandma, Vickies Secret & Kays. Those would only total $800.00ish all together.
But Buckle?! You're killing me, smalls. Your stupid interest for a girl who had to pay some medical bills are absolutely killing me.
I hate money.
I hate credit.
IT seemed amazing when I first turned 18, but I now realize it's the devil.
The absolute devil.
I, at 22, should not be this worried about money. It should be absolutely illegal for a teenager to have more than one credit card. Granted, Teenagers (as well as people in their early 20's) should be more responsible. How is that possible in the economy the way it is, though? It's hard!
Then, I go back to how when Bill Clinton was president things were cleaned up. Then how a certain Republican screwed it all up again. How the country wasn't managed the way it should be. How now, I'm not sure if it is either, but I voted for the guy. Mise as well back him up.
My debt isn't even that bad, and it stresses me out constantly. CONSTANTLY. No one has any idea. I work my ass off just so I can pay these bills. I pay them, and then I turn around and have no money. I'm living paycheck to paycheck at 22 years old. It's not because I'm a starving artist either.
I honestly, at times, feel like the bums on the street have it better than I do here in Austin.
Really, I do.
How sad is that?
Now because I was stupid, I probably won't be able to get a loan, I'm a high credit risk. Wonderful.
*yay*
Lesson?
Credit Kills.
hardcore.
10/14/10
10/13/10
Dear D
I.Like.You.
why is that so hard to say? Why is it, that these feelings have come rushing back? Why, even when every other guy is hitting on me, and I'm feeling better than I ever have, all I want is your recognition? Well, that's a simple answer.
It's like pulling teeth, having a conversation with you. So that's why this is happening. This is a letter to you, D. Here goes.
I adore you. I have for about a year now. It happened almost instantly, and then, as I heard your story, I gained the utmost respect for you. You are sweet, caring, and hilarious. People just have to get to know you. You're an amazing griller, and your smile? It's the most contagious one I've ever seen. You make me have butterflies. Not the little 3rd grade 'I have a crush' butterflies, but the kind of butterflies you only get every once in a blue moon.
I'm scared that because of you, nothing will ever happen with this. Seriously, I am. Grow up! Become a little bit open. We were close when I was here last, at least I like to think so. My heart is beating a million miles a minute right now, D. Why can't you just take a chance? I did. This is the first time I've done something like this.
Ever.
Please, Please Please Please, realize what I have on the line right now.
Because it's a lot.
And I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
I'm really scared, actually. I'm afraid I just ruined a great friendship...
but I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to. I'm sure you knew, anyways.
So please, just man up?
because if you don't respond in, like, 3 seconds...
I think I'm going to do something that I never, ever do.
Like give up hope.
why is that so hard to say? Why is it, that these feelings have come rushing back? Why, even when every other guy is hitting on me, and I'm feeling better than I ever have, all I want is your recognition? Well, that's a simple answer.
It's like pulling teeth, having a conversation with you. So that's why this is happening. This is a letter to you, D. Here goes.
I adore you. I have for about a year now. It happened almost instantly, and then, as I heard your story, I gained the utmost respect for you. You are sweet, caring, and hilarious. People just have to get to know you. You're an amazing griller, and your smile? It's the most contagious one I've ever seen. You make me have butterflies. Not the little 3rd grade 'I have a crush' butterflies, but the kind of butterflies you only get every once in a blue moon.
I'm scared that because of you, nothing will ever happen with this. Seriously, I am. Grow up! Become a little bit open. We were close when I was here last, at least I like to think so. My heart is beating a million miles a minute right now, D. Why can't you just take a chance? I did. This is the first time I've done something like this.
Ever.
Please, Please Please Please, realize what I have on the line right now.
Because it's a lot.
And I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
I'm really scared, actually. I'm afraid I just ruined a great friendship...
but I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to. I'm sure you knew, anyways.
So please, just man up?
because if you don't respond in, like, 3 seconds...
I think I'm going to do something that I never, ever do.
Like give up hope.
Under the Texan Sky
I just overall feel better. I know that Under the Tuscan Sun is all about wine, love and Italy, but Under the Texan Sun is different. It's all about being healthy, inside and out, reinventing myself, and just being happy.
Who cares about finding love? Who's rules are those? Not mine. What are my rules? I don't have any. Why dictate what you can and can not live by? What's the point in giving yourself regulations? Uninhibited. That's what I want to be. That's what I'm going to be.
There's no expectations right now, because if I have expectations then I can be let down. Just for this once, I'm not giving myself any guidelines. None what-so-ever. It feels nice.
It's nice to just hang out in the sunshine, reading. It's nice to sit on the patio, listen to the fountain and write. Nice. Not stressed out, just relaxed It's been a long, LONG time since I just relaxed.
Under the Texan sun.
it means promise
it means hope.
It means faith
and it means letting go.
It means finding myself.
...how am I already chilly and it's only 84* out?
Who cares about finding love? Who's rules are those? Not mine. What are my rules? I don't have any. Why dictate what you can and can not live by? What's the point in giving yourself regulations? Uninhibited. That's what I want to be. That's what I'm going to be.
There's no expectations right now, because if I have expectations then I can be let down. Just for this once, I'm not giving myself any guidelines. None what-so-ever. It feels nice.
It's nice to just hang out in the sunshine, reading. It's nice to sit on the patio, listen to the fountain and write. Nice. Not stressed out, just relaxed It's been a long, LONG time since I just relaxed.
Under the Texan sun.
it means promise
it means hope.
It means faith
and it means letting go.
It means finding myself.
...how am I already chilly and it's only 84* out?
10/12/10
Sibling Love
It's amazing how someone can be so close with someone else.
Specifically a brother/sister relationship.
I think the world of this kid, more than he knows. I look up to him, honestly. He's a brilliant person, and I honestly wish I was half as book smart as he is. All throughout my childhood, I was so pissed off at him. He always got straight A's and made me feel like an idiot, and then I grew up. I realized that I should be happy for him, and eventually I was.
I realized what a great brother I had, who would let me crawl in his bed and fall asleep watching TV while he was on the computer, just because I had broken up with my ex boyfriend who I thought I loved. I realized that he was amazing, that no matter what he was always going to be my brother.
Then I went off to College again, and loved it when he came to visit, as rare as it was. No one has any idea what a pedestal I put this kid onto. He can write poetry brilliantly, and I could only ever hope to write that well.
There's a scar on his head from me when we were little, but I promise you, it was all out of love.
We were so close, in my eyes. Now, though, it seems like everything is changing. There are so many things that I think of, and I call him just to tell him, but he's busy. I get that, he's in college studying his ass off...we're all the way across the country from each other.
He's the one I go to, though. The one who always puts things into perspective for me...and it's been building up for a long time coming. I miss him. A lot of things have been coming into perspective for me since I detoxed my life. Family is one of them. I miss him so much...the fighting, the talking, and just making fun of each other. I just want to talk, but he never can. Even when he says he'll call back he forgets...it's like that friend you just get so fed up with because you know it's never going to happen so why get your hopes up. It just hurts. It's like the time when I got mad at him before I left for my freshman year in school and said, "I can't wait to leave so I don't have to deal with you!"...that broke him to the core (so I've heard). I knew exactly how to get to him, so I used it. It's like he knows exactly how to get to me, and he's doing it...by ignorning me. Not fully, but just enough.
I expect he can't always be there to talk, I know...but I feel forgotten about. I miss talking to my brother, telling him the stupid random stuff.
Then he calls, being totally sweet and all Jack-like, letting me know that blood always comes first and he'll schedule me in.
Ha.
Like I need to be scheduled in.
loser.
:)
Love you, buddy.
Specifically a brother/sister relationship.
I think the world of this kid, more than he knows. I look up to him, honestly. He's a brilliant person, and I honestly wish I was half as book smart as he is. All throughout my childhood, I was so pissed off at him. He always got straight A's and made me feel like an idiot, and then I grew up. I realized that I should be happy for him, and eventually I was.
I realized what a great brother I had, who would let me crawl in his bed and fall asleep watching TV while he was on the computer, just because I had broken up with my ex boyfriend who I thought I loved. I realized that he was amazing, that no matter what he was always going to be my brother.
Then I went off to College again, and loved it when he came to visit, as rare as it was. No one has any idea what a pedestal I put this kid onto. He can write poetry brilliantly, and I could only ever hope to write that well.
There's a scar on his head from me when we were little, but I promise you, it was all out of love.
We were so close, in my eyes. Now, though, it seems like everything is changing. There are so many things that I think of, and I call him just to tell him, but he's busy. I get that, he's in college studying his ass off...we're all the way across the country from each other.
He's the one I go to, though. The one who always puts things into perspective for me...and it's been building up for a long time coming. I miss him. A lot of things have been coming into perspective for me since I detoxed my life. Family is one of them. I miss him so much...the fighting, the talking, and just making fun of each other. I just want to talk, but he never can. Even when he says he'll call back he forgets...it's like that friend you just get so fed up with because you know it's never going to happen so why get your hopes up. It just hurts. It's like the time when I got mad at him before I left for my freshman year in school and said, "I can't wait to leave so I don't have to deal with you!"...that broke him to the core (so I've heard). I knew exactly how to get to him, so I used it. It's like he knows exactly how to get to me, and he's doing it...by ignorning me. Not fully, but just enough.
I expect he can't always be there to talk, I know...but I feel forgotten about. I miss talking to my brother, telling him the stupid random stuff.
Then he calls, being totally sweet and all Jack-like, letting me know that blood always comes first and he'll schedule me in.
Ha.
Like I need to be scheduled in.
loser.
:)
Love you, buddy.
10/10/10
I...hate my life, just so you know.
Right now, my life sucks. A hot shower is ready for me afer a night out, a night in which I only got 3 hours total of sleep. Yep. Maybe 4, but that extra hour wasn't right with the other 3. Yay for San Antonio TX, yay for someone drunkenly peeing on your phone so it doesn't work, yay for only having 5 dollars in your checking account, and yay for being hungry and having to go to work. *sigh*. Shower time.
7/9/10
Wine
My biggest mantra is life goes on.
Why is it so hard for me to listen to myself? I'm sitting here, Wine in hand (White, Sauvignon Blanc), fighting back tears (not so much anymore) because I can't take my own damn advice.
I need to be okay by myself before I can be okay with someone else. This isn't even about a relationship. This is about friendship. Mourning the ones I've lost, and anticipating the ones I have yet to find. I'm stuck in my old habits and that needs to change (insert wine sip here).
Where do I make the change between young adult and experienced young adult? When do I realize that working at Home Depot is not enough? Why do I feel the need to grow up so fast, when I've barely even been young and stupid?
My partner-in-crime is no longer around, and I'm by myself. This is what I need, to be alone and to branch out (another wine sip). It would have been perfect tonight, but I am not about to go to a bar in Flint that would result in a high-school reunion, plus even a dreaded run-in with the ex. Not happening.
Flattering that you asked me out, though.
(another drink of wine....this time more of a gulp...).
I know this is sketchy tonight, but I'm writing as I'm thinking. Heaven forbid I say exactly what is on my mind, heaven forbid I don't ponder my words for seconds or minutes to make sure they don't offend anyone or some out more intelligent than I originally had thought.
I've had five years taken away from me. Five years I could have been having fun. Five years I could have been building up friendships, flings, and funny situations. Five years just gone....wasted in tears, trials and tribulations that weren't good. Five. Fucking. Years. (drink).
What the hell? Why did I let that happen?! WHY? The me I know and love would never have stood for that shit. Hell,
I'm not standing for it now.
I will not let another five years go by in misery without my notice. I will not stand for it.
(victorious wine gulp here)
Can it get better?
Will it get better? (go to drink wine)
......damn....I finished my glass.
6/27/10
missing you
I miss my best friend.
It's not as hard as it was last time...
but I want to be able to call anytime.
The only person stopping me is me,
and maybe that's the problem. I need to not call him, though.
It'll only make the situation worse, and make me believe I want something I don't.
I just want my best friend back (even though he never left).
It's not as hard as it was last time...
but I want to be able to call anytime.
The only person stopping me is me,
and maybe that's the problem. I need to not call him, though.
It'll only make the situation worse, and make me believe I want something I don't.
I just want my best friend back (even though he never left).
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