No worries*

I beg for the days where I didn't measure everything in 'good hours' or 'bad hours'. I beg for the days when my bigget worry was why my best friend was mad at me. I beg for the days where I was practically worriless.

I realize this is all a part of growing up, and I welcome it. I just wish I were happier. I wish I was far away, being the independent amazing person I can be, instead of plagued with worn out memories and upsetting situations.

I wake up every morning with recollections of dreams from the night before. More and more they're reminding me I'm in a place I shouldn't be. Physically and mentally.

I'm left worshipping and greiving a friendship that has defined me for five years...and that is just plain wrong. I'm better than that, better than waiting for a friend to actually be in a friendship. Better than being put down every five minutes.

I know it's in joking fashion (sometimes), but it still hurts. I'm better than waiting all night for a phone call that'll never come. I'm better than being the last resort for plans. I'm just better than it all.

I'm done not having any self-esteem because someone inadvertantly tears it down. It's over, done for.
He will always be my friend, but it's better to be friends from a distance. That way, I can't get hurt. He can't hurt me.


That statement is still so far from the actual truth. Oh well. As my 12 year old cousin would tell me: Get over it. Life is too short to lose another 5 years of my life to nasty words and not-always-there friends.
I'm not going to do it.

Tryin' to grow up, but who knows where to start?

It's been a while since I've written, but I feel the need to get something out. None of that 'life is hard, there's heartache and heartbreak and blah blah blah.
...sort of.

It's about needing to do something with my life and not feeling stuck. Stuck in the cycle of shots, treatments, tears, romance and betrayal. I'm in on a merry-go-round that never ends. It ended for a brief period of time, but I'm right back on that ride, right back where I don't want to be.

I need to figure it out fast, too. My lease is ending, and with that I'll need to enroll in school closer to home, transfer my job, and just plain figure life out. I'm stuck in that phase somewhere between I know who I am, and I Know who I want to be, but how do I get there? How do I make the transition from struggling 22 year old college student to comfortable (physically, mentally and emotionally) 23 year old? I have a whole year to do it...but, my goal is by the end of summer. Unrealistic? Maybe.
Possible? We'll see. All I need is a plan. A plan that has twists and turns, edits and rewritings.
And no more tears.

I wish....

I wish someone was up to talk to me. I was doing great all day, and this new self-appreciation is a combination of Elizabeth Gilbert's novel Eat Pray Love and a realization--this came while eating pizza on a walk home from a bar, just like I used to do in Texas.

Then, I broke. I only talked to him once today...but I couldn't just go to sleep after an amazingly busy day with some of my best friends. No--I had to call. It didn't matter that we didn't talk and he probably won't remember the phone conversation. No--it was just that itch I had to scratch. I couldn't just say no.

Why are you the only thing that does this to me?
You suck.

Now it's time for sleep, the first full day of classes I will attend after being sick for two weeks is tomorrow. I need my rest if I'm going to go play tennis.
And, why is Barenaked Ladies singing Chickety China at the Olympics? Sorry--side note.

I need to sleep. I need to not think. I need to be able to love myself before I can sleep by myself, or even be comfortable being around myself.

I have an eclectic group of friends, though. The Sassy redhead, the brilliant brunettes and the bold blonds. They wouldn't hang out with each other, but I have one to fit every single mood I'm in. That is why they're awesome.
Thank you to Mel and Jessica for hanging out with me today. Old & New friends, I can never have too many to help pick me back up, or to just remind me what 'normal' is.
Reflecting on that thought, life is good again, and I'm kicking Loneliness out of my bed. I'm so not sleeping with him tonight. I'm fine just on my own.

Here's to Us

I have to let you go in order to get you back. I'm not saying that the way you think, either. I'm saying it because I've already done it. Had you not talked to me and made me believe things would be different, we would be great friends right now. I would be the friend you wanted me to be, the friend I can be. I know this. I'm sure of it. So, in order for you and I to be friends, I have to let you go in order to get you back.

I need to get back to being me. I need to get back to my 'Life goes on' attitude. I need to be myself again. I can be myself again...I'm confident. So,Cheers. Here's to finding myself again, writing it all out, and being the successful person I want to be.

Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship. Here's to us.
Love,
Always.

missing something...

How can I miss him when he's just in the next room? It's making me go insane. I need to go back to the pool and swim, swim my little heart out. I just wish I didn't get so tired after ten laps. Or two, even. I did ten yesterday, though. I feel fine. :-D

I have people who care about me. Countless people. People that span over many many different states. So why am I worried about one person? Why do I care that much? Yes he's my best friend. But he hurt me. I can't trust him. I'm not in love with him. So why is it affecting me this much? It shouldn't be. Not at all.

Just for the record--I deserve much, much better.

Video Games

I've realized that video games relieve stress. Just like running, or yoga. My best friend came over the other night and wanted to teach me the 'way of the gamer'. I suck at it, don't get me wrong. Yet, for some reason I am determined to kick his ass at some point so I keep playing. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 has me addicted. My friend Jessica and I joked when it came out that it stole boyfriends everywhere. Now? I gave up a night going out with the girls for a video game and a boy.

Something is wrong here. Boys are dirty! They don't shower every day, leave dirty dishes out, and their clothes smell and they're all over the room. Ew. I must admit, though, I have way less stress on my plate than I did a couple days ago. Especially when I kill him in the game...it makes me feel happy. Not only because 1.) he's kicking my ass mercilessly, but because (and here's a secret) I've wanted to hurt him ever since he broke up with me...about a week and a half ago. It's nice.

Speaking of that. I'm still upset. Not upset to where I'm crying and distraught, but upset to where I get bummed. I miss kissing him. I miss knowing he'll always be there. I mean, he will always be there...but sometime another girl is going to come before me. That's going to suck when I'm not his number one. Even though the other night he said I will always be his number one...I know I won't. He's going to care about someone at some point more than me and she'll come before me. I just hope she doesn't lay down the 'rules' like his last fling. Bitch.

Word Vomit.

I can feel it coming. Early in the morning when I wake up. Or, when we're just laying in bed talking. I can feel it preparing to happen.

I can feel my brain thinking about how much fun we've had the past couple of days. The past week. I can feel my smile getting bigger when I think of him. I don't love him anymore. That faded out long ago. But I care about him more than anyone else in the world still. He's still my best friend. So I do love him, just in a different way.

Back to the word vomit, though. I want to ask him out. Roll over one morning and say it. I would get turned down, though...so I don't do it. I'm just so scared that one day, one significant moment, it's going to come out. Word vomit all over the place with hurt to follow.

Things can be different! He's back to being himself again...things are going well for him...I know they can be. I have this feeling that this is right and this is what should be happening before he leaves.

But, saying it would be word vomit and it would induce a fight. So I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever.