Determined. Day 1.

I am a writer. I am a good writer. I know this. It's time to get it out to the rest of the world. My Blog, although I do love it dearly, isn't just working anymore. I write because I have to write. My Journ Prof for this semester has made me realize this. With just one class, he made me realize that I have so much potential that I am not using.

So this is day one. The day that I start writing things that matter, whether it be about my RA, college life, a struggling 20 something, etc. It's time I put all of my talent to use and start submitting articles to publishers. I can't wait on the Flint Journal to hire me as an intern this summer. I need to put it into effect now.

I am determined.
I am talented.
I am ready.
My articles can make a difference to someone, and will.
So, day one.
Ready.
Set.
Go.

Changes*

Who am I going to play tennis with when you leave?
Who am I going to talk to?
Who am I going to just randomly see movies every night of the week with?

Well, it doesn't matter that much. I'm following you, we talked about that. I'll have my base of friends again down south, where the other 'me' is. The stronger, 'I don't care' me. Wish I had her back.

She still exists. I found her yesterday while playing Tennis, while talking to you in the car. I found her written on my foot.

She doesn't have to go away. I don't have to go away. You just don't realize that. I really wish you would.

I've already said goodbye to three people to the military, and you're the one that's going to hurt me the most. It doesn't help that you want one of the most dangerous jobs out there.

This isn't the way things are supposed to be, and no my biggest secret and fear is out for everyone to see. Things don't have to change between us. They'll stay exactly as they were yesterday. This time you changed, not me, you just fail to see that. You're going to need me more than you ever did before.

Strength

I get strength from the oddest things. Randomly, Spontaneously, I got this tattoo two days ago. I was upset, mad, and feeling weak. I needed something to jolt me back to reality to make me remember all that I have been through, and all that I will go through.

I've wanted this tattoo for a while, just didn't have the guts to get it. I made my facebook status 'who wants to go with me to get a needle stuck in myself...again?' I just laughed a bit, thinking about how I wouldn't actually do it. Then, while I was in the shower, I thought, 'why not?' Why not go and get a tattoo? Of this exact phrase that has gotten me through the hardest years of my life?

With a nerve I never thought I would have, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care that my parent's would give me hell, I didn't care that my best friend didn't like the placement. It's my body, my life. So I went to go get an estimate. It was cheaper than I expected. I hopped in the chair right then. Eric drew the design at Evolution in Swartz Creek, and within twenty minutes I had new art on my foot. I love it. To say the least.

Pain has a different definition to me, now. It has for a while. My foot hurt, I won't lie to you. Even though I was white knuckled throughout the whole thing and grimacing almost every time the needle went in me, I realized that if I just control my breathing (like I did with a 16 gauge in my kneecap), it's not bad. I even got into a fight with my brothers, and because I controlled my breathing, I was able to handle more than I could before. I truly am stronger.

Life goes on. Hundreds of people have been through this before me, thousands are going through this now, and a million will go through it after me. I am not the only one. Life goes on.

I got a new bed, and a new frame. I'm starting over again, completely this time.
It's time I grew up. New semester, new bed, new attitude. I got this.
Completely.

Angry

I feel stupid. I've been through this before, I've been through almost everything before.
Breakups, Hospitals, heartbreak, losing my friends, losing family. I've gotten through it and now I'm stronger than I ever have been before.

If I've been through it all before, why is this time not any easier? Scratch that, it is, but now I'm just filled with anger. Not understanding, not sadness. Anger. I'm angry that I let him do this to me again. I'm angry that I'm going to lose my best friend unless he changes, because as much as he says it's me who has changed, it isn't. I'm angry that I can't sleep, I'm angry that I have to force myself to eat because I'm not hungry. I'm angry that he's weak. I'm angry that he thinks we can still be friends. I'm angry that one day, he's going to realize what a mistake he's made, and I won't be there.

I'm angry that there's a giant hole in my stomach that I can't seem to fill. I'm angry that I'm crying. I'm angry that he thinks we can go back to the way we were. I'm angry that I'm alone in this house at seven in the morning with no one to help me. I'm not lost, but I'm confused. I'm not exactly sure what the next step is, but I know I'll find it.

I'm so sick of this happening. I just want to be happy. I thought I was. Apparently I was completely wrong.

Winter is not my friend

I love the first snowfall. I love playing in the snow. Ice skating, snowmen, snowball fights, snowboarding & snowmobiling. Snow Snow Snow Snow.

However, winter is not my friend.

Since I take Enbrel, my immune system is severely compromised. It works perfectly for my needs except for that one little bit. Honestly? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fifteen hospital visits a winter in order to walk. Sometimes I'd rather just be healthy, be able to go to class & not have to take incompletes in all of them just so I can catch up. Sometimes.

It's hard. I'm 21 years old and not in the place I need to be. I should be graduating this year. Next semester, even. Instead of waiting until fall of the semester after, maybe even spring semester. I don't fail. I never failed in my life until I was in College, and that is heartbreaking. Just because my body holds me back from something I just want to do.
Interesting, huh?
So, those of you who skip classes just because you can,
or those of you who fail because you didn't put any effort into it,
just try.
Try, because even when I try my hardest, something comes up, and my best isn't really good enough anymore.

Swine of '09

I went and got my Swine Flu shot yesterday. Having an Autoimmune disease post me most at risk for it, therefor I got special treatment & recieved it before it's offered to the general public. I only had to make sure I wasn't allergic to eggs (been eating them my whole life...think I'm safe) and then I was in. After my Doctor's office sent my recrods to actually prove that I an a disease.

An hour later I was sitting in the office waiting for my name to be called. It's funny thinking about all of the hype that's going on about the Swine right now. My little brother had it. I've been on a college campus, and I haven't caught it at all, and I'm the one who's most susseptable to it. Whatever--maybe I'm just sneaky and avoiding it :)

It didn't hurt, even with all of the hype. I expected it to somewhat, like normal shots do. But, my arm wasn't even sore the next day. I didn't even feel the needle go in! Maybe it's because I'm used to 16 gauge needles sticking out of my knee, without numbing solution? I don't know--but it was easy.

Thinking about it, I used to be wary of needles. Even now, I get hyped up but then realize it's nothing I haven't done before. My roommates can't even watch me, or be in the same room when I give myself my Enbrel shot. You can't even see the needle in the sureclick.
See? It's nothing. The only pain I get from that is the actual medicine. It burns. Even then, the burning goes away in a couple minutes. Sure, the area is irritated so I have to wear loose jeans, but not a big deal. It's insane how they faint, throw up, or just get woozy from even talking about a needle.

Honestly, this shot I couldn't even feel. Maybe it was just that specific nurse. Way to go for knowing how to give a shot. It made my experience at Olin a great one.

I'm so sick

of being the girl who's always happy. Always opitimistic. Things will always work out. They do, just not when you want them to. Everything takes time. Well, Time, Time SUCKS.
I need help now. I need monetary help, I need scholarly help, and I need a hug. These past two days everything is seemingly falling apart on me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but it is. It is to me. I hate being in this position and I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm a fixer, and right now I can't fix. I can't fix, I can't help, I can't do anything. I'm scheduled to work right now, but they'll probably tell me not to come in.
This semseter needs to be OVER. I need to pass my classes & move on with my schooling. I'm so ready to be done it's insane. I'm ready to have a big break. I'm done with school and I want to move on with my life. I want to move on.

I'm ready.