LifeGoesOn

Here we go again

2012-01-24T03:00:00.000-05:00

I'm 23. I have rheumatoid arthritus. I hurt. All the time. Tonight I hurt so much I'm in tears. I need to get a new Rheumatologist. I went to one a week ago (my medicine has run out, not that it worked for this pain anyway) and he did absolutely nothing for me but tell me that we need to see if there is Joint damage and to keep taking Aleve because it will heal it. This time the flare-up is in my right toe. I've had it for about three months now....maybe four. It hurts to walk. It is agitated if anything touches it. Let alone when it gets kicked by the dog or my boyfriend while we toss and turn in our sleep. Aleve isn't working as it should. So here I am, reduced to tears on the couch at 2:00 in the morning trying, just trying to make it feel better.

I'm not asking to be healed. I haven't had a flare-up in years. Two or three years, I think. I can live with this, and I believe I have this disease because the Lord knows I can live with it. I'm not complaining about how life isn't fair, I'm not asking 'why me'. I did the second time it flared up. I was 20 then. Now I'm not. Now I'm back to the 19 year old who knew the doctors had a solution and that we would all work together to find one. I'm 23 now. I work full time, go to college and pay my own bills. I have my own health insurance. I'm scared to go get anything done because of how much it's all going to cost. That's the whole-hearted truth. I need to. I probalby can't get into a new Rheumatologist for about a month.

I've subconsiously started walking so the pressure isn't on my big toe when I walk. This means that I'm leaning and the pressure is all being put onto the side of my foot. This is not good. I don't know how to fix it, though, without not being able to walk. I'm at a loss right now...and that's the last thing I want. To be lost. However, these "break-downs" always happen in the middle of the night. When I can't call a doctor or make any progress and the only thing to do is wait until I see the first rays of the morning sun. Part of me thinks I need to go to the hospital. See if they can give me better drugs. I don't know what else they could do for me, though. At least when I was 19 and my knee swelled up they could drain it. I don't think they could do that in my toe. However, a cortisone shot wouldn't be half bad either.

I need to get some sleep. At least try to. My alarm is supposed to go off in four hours. My dad's going to be awake in one. Maybe I'll wait until I can call him. He might not know what to do, but he at least can make me feel better emotionally.

Weight

2011-10-21T22:50:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to love my body. Scratch that, I'm trying to like my body. I'm not ashamed to let the world know how much I weigh. I don't think it's acceptable, even though I've been told by numerous people that I 'carry it well'. I know some people are going to laugh at this number, but for my 5'4" frame, it's not acceptable. Especially when I'm only 23 and have to run the Warrior Dash in less than a month. The number? It's 158.5 pounds.
The boyfriend and I recently got gym memberships, and by recently, I mean three days ago. I've taken a huge interest into what is going into my body. Instead of playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds (which I got addicted to...all I ended up with was enough Coke points to 'buy' a years' worth subscription to Cosmo and 40 free Snapfish Photos) every day, I'm now kind of on the Special K Challenge and work my buns out. Today was an 'off' day, because I'm sore. Tomorrow will be another 'on' day, after work. Which is at 8 am tomorrow morning, and I've been closing all week so that will have a nice jet-lag effect. Anywho. I eat a bowl of Special K in the morning, Snack (usually the crisps) and then a protein shake, then another snack (the healthy bars) then a regular healthy dinner. Tonight was baked chicken in cream of mushroom soup with green beans and only one semi-healthy roll. I got to 1150 calories (I'm trying to stick to a 1200 calorie diet). Not bad, I say.

The only problem with this Special K dealio is that it's just so darn expensive! I know there are other alternatives, but geez louise they're yummy! I also know that I need to just eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full then work out like normal. I'm hoping that in five weeks I will have dropped ten pounds if I keep on the way I'm going. That's about fifteen dollars a week, though. Yikesabee. Why is being healthy so expensive? Granted, I could switch over to Apples and Oranges, Bananas, etc. ....but what fun would that be? I mean, isn't that the 'old fashioned' way of losing weight?? Who does that anymore?! Me.
That's right,
me.
After I run out of this special K stuff, though. It's so darn yummy right now!!

One Year

2011-10-08T10:28:00.000-04:00

I've been here in Austin for a year now. One whole year. A lot can change in a year, and when you look back and realize where you were, how you got here, and how far you've come (let alone OVERcome), you finally actually realize and put into perspective that stupid saying. One year ago I was scared, nervous, excited, anxious, and just so jaded. Now I'm confident, still excited, happy, and I feel like I'm achieving something.

Let's see. Here's my year in a nutshell.
Move to Austin
Start work
go out with Aunt Nette (every chance I got)
social butterfly much? Hello.
Halloween, so close to going downtown.
Amanda came down for Thanksgiving
(by the way, I'm making friends, too...)
Work
Met Steve
THANKSGIVING! Amanda and I had a blast
(she made out with an Australian).
My confidence came back somewhere in between meeting Steve and Thanksgiving.
Work.
Christmas Parties :)
Started Texting Steve (like...everyday)
Christmas Eve--best one I ever had (hello to a whole pan of Rice Crispy Treats and It's a Wonderful Life on the couch with Aunt Nette)
Christmas Day
Work
Texting Steve (like I said, every day).
Lunch with Steve
New Years Eve (I made him come over around 10 when I found out he was spending it alone)
First Kiss :)
Snow in Texas!!
Work
Exclusive with that boy!
Official with that boy!
Valentines Day
Somehow my confidence came back tenfold
Happy
Now it's March?
Huge fight with Aunt Nette
Back in School
Work
getting sick of my job...
Baseball season!
Best Birthday Ever :)
Move in with Steve.
Getting fat and happy.
Get an Internship with Bobby Bones Show
Football season!
Quit internship (credits wouldn't line up)
Back in School!
And here we are :)

*whew* I'm freaking exhausted. Like I said, a lot can happen in a year. I'm as fat and happy as ever (yea...trying to get rid of the 'fat' part). I'm ready for the next year :) Bring it on!

Diamonds

2011-10-07T11:38:00.002-04:00

I've always believed in the phrase Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend. My diamond, however, isn't your typical shiny thing. Mine is covered in dirt, has nine players on it, a roaring crowd around it and smells like hot dogs, peanuts and cracker jacks. My diamond is a baseball diamond. The AL Division Championships happened last night. This is the first season in a while that the Detroit Tigers have made it to the postseason. Yes, there is only One October...and we made it this year! Watching Valverde (Papa Grande) strike out Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) leading the Tigers to Victory (3-2) against the Yankees AT Yankee Stadium was one of the best sights ever. Now the Tigers go on to play for the AL Championship against the Rangers. I like the Rangers, but they have nothing on my D-town Tigers. Detroit needs a miracle, big time. The Lions are helping in this miracle, going on a 4-0 winning streak. The likes of which Detroit hasn't seen since...oh I don't even know when. Not in my lifetime (that I can remember).
Baseball. America's past time. My favorite Diamond. That's love.
Don't get me wrong, my birthday is in April, and April's birthstone is the diamond. My birthstone is THE Stone. I don't want a diamond until I get THE ring. Until then, I'll take my peanut smelling, dirty, messy diamond.

We don't need no water....

2011-09-11T15:19:00.000-04:00

For the past week, there have been massive fires surrounding Austin. I've never seen with my own eyes the level of devestation this blaze has left in it's path. Unfortunately, the drought and heat left Central Texas in perfect condition for a wildfire. Which totally happened. At one point, Austin was completely surrounded. The biggest blaze was in Bastrop and for days (three, to be exact) the fire was 0% contained. Which is a stupid phrase, if you ask me, but as I learned more about wildfires, it made sense. There were 200+ firefighters fighting this Bastrop fire, not to mention how many were up in Steiner Ranch (which lost 25 houses and 360 acres), Pflugerville and Cedar Park. The Bastrop fire is now 50% contained, with over 34,000 acres destroyed and over 1,000 homes gone as well. The fires broke out over Labor Day weekend. I didn't know about them until Tuesday when I went to my internship (YES! I got an internship!!With The Bobby Bones Show. Syndicated in four states, and holy crap this will look good on a resume! That's another story, though).

Tuesday morning I was in the studio with the Hosts (Bobby, Carlos, Lunchbox, Amy and Alayna). They sent three interns out to the WalMart by the studio to collect water and Gatorate for the firefighters. They had taken three truckloads to a food bank already, and by the time the show ended and the rest of the interns showed up, there had to be at least 1,000 cases of water and gatorade. We filled up a truck-bed and eight cars with the fluid. We made a caravan on the way to unload all of it. Every single one of us helped, trying to show our support for those trying to put out the uncontrollable fire. I mean, It's almost a week later and it's ONLY 50% contained. The fire has spread out to Lockhart, which is 30 miles from where the blaze originally started. We filled up seven pallets five feet high with water and Gatorade donations. I mean, it's a ton of stuff.

I was allowed to go out to Bastrop on Friday and Saturday to staff the Bastrop Home Depot. That was a humbling experience, let me tell you. I wanted to hug every single person, cry with them, take them home and give them a hot meal. The Red Cross came out on Friday to put together clean-up buckets (some people were being let back into their neighborhoods, but not many). All together we gave out over 1,000 buckets, and we hand-made sifters as well. Some people came through absolutely in tears, others were so jovial still, saying that it was just stuff. Others apologized for their messy cars as I loaded them up, saying, 'We've been living out of it...and this is our home right now'. There were others that came through the line with nothing. I loaded up one car with his bucket, sifter, shovel and rake, put it in the trunk. He had about six picture frames in the back, and I asked if he wanted me to put them in the bucket so they wouldn't break. He said Yes, and Thank You, that was all he could save from his house before it went up in flames, and he cherished those six pictures. So many people had stories just like that. Others were so happy, saying we were doing a great thing and they were so grateful that we were doing this for them. They said that this meant a lot that we were willing to help out. Then there were those people who had worked their whole lives for that house, and they lost it all, but were in such good graces becase, 'it's just stuff, it doesn't matter, we can always get more stuff. We're okay, our kids are okay, and that's all that matters'. This is farmland, too. So many people had pastures and horses. Most of the animals got out okay, and they're still finding others.

One man sticks out in my memory completely. He pulled up in his Chevy and on his shirt it said 'Mackinac Island' with a picture of a carriage on it. I handed him the bucket and said, 'Woohoo! Mackinac Island! I'm from there! Well, Michigan...not the island.' He smiled and said, 'Well, this is a donated shirt, so...' and he drifted off. My heart absolutely sunk, realizing that he had nothing, and told him the shirt looked really good on him. My job was keeping moral up, not bringing people down. As much as I felt bad and was shocked at my surroundings, I didn't let it show. Not until a woman came up to me and when I asked if she needed help finding anything, she started crying and said, 'everything'.
She was pulling into the Home Depot parking lot and saw two firetrucks racing down her daughters road. Little fires keep popping up here and there, and she was scared that for her daughter. I gave her a hug. It was instinctive, and we sat there talking. She has seven kids, and their house was one of the first to go up in flames. They know they have no home to go back to, and she was very angry. Her mom and sister were evacuated, and they were complaining about it. She has nothing, and hasn't complained once. I couldn't even imagine. That's what people need, though. Some to tell their stories, others to have a joke told to them. They need support. I'm a one woman support team. I talked to her and her children (once they came in) for about an hour. We picked out new house layouts, and she started looking at the upsides and stopped worrying about her daughter (the fire was put out really quick, and everything was alright). When she left she gave me another hug and told me I was just a doll. She thanked me for everything, when really she had nothing to thank me for at all. I was just an ear.

It's amazing to see the whole community coming together. People up north in Austin (which is 30 minutes away from Bastrop) are housing complete strangers' animals. The Animal Shelter is holding animals until owners can come and get them. We had one man call the Radio Station on Tuesday and offer his ranch in N. Austin. Gave his phone number and address saying 'to call if you need animals housed'. He called back within 45 minutes saying he was full and couldn't take anymore...he lived on 2,500 acres. Donation centers are filled to the brim and can't hold any more stuff. Home Depot has been amazing at donating materials, and people have been so grateful. It's amazing to see that just giving them a shovel and a pair of gloves (which is the minimum when we ran out of supplies) brightened their day. It's September 11th today, and although what happened 10 years ago is still fresh and stings, we need to take care of what is happening in our own backyard right now. FEMA is came in on Tuesday, and people are starting to regroup and get back on their feet. The fire isn't even completely out yet, only 50% contained, and they're still trying to make the most of it. So here's to them, they're troopers, and I have a lot of respect for them, because they lost everything, yet those people are still happy and making the best of everything. I hope I can be like that if anything disasterous ever happens to me. They're an inspiration.

I love you...

2011-09-04T12:24:00.000-04:00

This is exactly how I feel about him. It's not changing, it's not going away, and this is how I know I'm 100% head over heels madly in love. Even though I'm frustrated with him, I wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't change our rental that needs major improvements that I want to buy, I wouldn't change working on my car with him at 11:00 at night, I wouldn't change waking up at 6:30 to his alarm every morning (yes, even weekends). I wouldn't change the dirty kitchen or his moods. I wouldn't change him. I won't change him.
I just have to be aware, be concious, of how I affect him. I have to realize he's trying to protect me, and I have to appreciate, respect, and be thankful for that. With realizing that, he needs to realize that I'm trying to make him comfortable and realize that I'm doing all I can.
We just both need to realize.

Compromise

2011-09-04T12:18:00.000-04:00

My last post I talked about time-outs. It seems that doing so is necessary again. Not talking about them, but actually doing it. Boyfriend is in a funk, one that is seemingly caused by me. I'm a fixer, I want to fix this said funk, but I can't. Only he can. He has to get over his issues and I need to understand why these issues are here. It all seemed to have started because of this badass internship I have. I've only been there three days, and it seems he and I have 'had words' about it more times than I can count.
His view: I'm acting younger. I'm excited about it and acting like a 13 year old girl. I'm naive and going to put myself into a situation I shouldn't be in, and because I'm being naive I won't realize it.

These were (except for the putting myself into a situation) all things my ex boyfriend had said, as well. Except he also threw in that I was immature because I liked bright colors (I mean...what?!). I'm 23 now, and I'm looking at it from his point of view. I'm not as naive as he thinks I am, but I don't know how to prove that to him. He's happy, but not acting like his normal self which is freaking me out. There isn't anything wrong with that, but I feel like a lost little puppy.

This is how I know we need another time-out. However, I'm not going to listen to myself. 'Oh, what was that, Kristen?? You feel like you two need to do an activity together so you can prove to him that you're not going anywhere and he needn't worry? Yea--that's a great idea. It's only going to bum you out that he doesn't want to hold your hand or kiss you or put his arm around you. Sounds like a banner idea--let's do it!' I can just see the fail happening now. I've been more emotional and shown more weakness around him in the past two weeks than I ever have, and the only other time I was this frustrated with him where I felt like I just needed to go away was during Rot Rally. I actually thought about leaving last night and going for a run or somethign to just get away-but that's what immature people do. They run away. I stayed. I fought. We compromised.

Yet I still need a time-out.

Time Out

2011-08-31T00:43:00.000-04:00

I have been up since 3:30 this morning, with the exception of a two hour nap which some would say doesn't count-but I say it does. I woke up even more groggy and out of it than I did after getting two hours of sleep and walking into my first day as an Intern at an accredited morning radio show with Clear Channel Studios.

I need me time. I'm never really alone anymore, and for the past two days I've been swimming in a sea of estrogen from 5 am to 11 am, which isn't bad- but there are 15 chicks that I'm interning with (all hired by a girl), and then I come home to the boyfriend. Which is wonderful, we've just both....been in a funk lately. Over said internship. Boyfriend thinks something is going to happen and I'm going to change because of this internship. I've already made myself the intern outcast because I don't want to offend/worry him. This show has a history of a certain sleazy producer hitting on every single girl and trying to get in her pants. Seeing as how this said sleazy producer and I hail from the same State, and he lived out by where I went to college (NOT Texas, Give it up for the 517!!) and we're only a couple years apart, Boyfriend has it in his head that this sleazy producer wants in mis pantelones. This means we're arguing a whole lot more lately. Which means I'm frustrated, and wanting alone time that I'm not getting because of my hectic schedule.

He should look at the intern who looks like a certain villanious girl from Twilight who is trying the whole, 'Producer is such a sleazeball but I'm totally flirting with him in the I'm-going-to-insult-you-every-which-way-I-can hoping you all don't notice how much I want in his pants' way.

It's disgusting.

Anyways, this all leads to how I need my me time. I'm always around someone, and never by myself. Which makes me work 15 hour days (internship THEN work), and me-timeless. It's exhausting to say the least. Oh how I hate you Starbucks for not being open at 4:30 in the morning when I leave my house.

If I don't get some alone time that doesn't consist of me typing in the dark at 11:42 at night in my bed with the dogs at my feet and Boyfriend sleeping next to me, I just might go a wee bit insane. Lord knows I started teh downward spiral tonight.

Team-Building Exercise

2011-07-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

This is my carpenter boyfriend. Who doesn't let me paint, hang pictures, or do anything, because I will do it to just a centimeter off. Which is great, except it took us four days to hang the new mirrors in our room. Even when he had time this morning to do them, I had to hound him to do it. Finally later today, we did it 'together'. Which means I stood there and supervised, even when he was the one who suggested we do it together anyway, because it would be a good 'team building' exercise.

How about this?
No, something is off.
What do you mean something is off? What is off?
I don't know, Steve, the spacing, or something...it looks too seventies.
Looks too seventies? How?
I don't know, it just does. Try doing it the other way.
....What other way?
Put them together. Like, Horizontal. Here, no, like this. Go look.
Had I known you wanted them like that, I would have just kept them all on one piece of backing instead of cutting it.
I don't know how I want it, babe. How does it look?
Okay, I guess.
Just okay?! I don't want it to look just okay, I want it to look spectacular. What do you think?
What if we did it like this?
Put a bit more space in there....yea, there! Stop!
Like this?
Yea, let me hold it and you look at it.
It's hard to imagine what it'll look like when you hold them all crooked and lopsided.
Those mean the same thing, babe.
*big sigh* Kristen Renae. Do you like it like this?
Yes, hold on, let me look again...Yes, I do.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Is my baby happy with it like this?
Yes.
Okay. If you're happy I'm happy.
I'm happy. *pause* Yes, I'm happy.

That's how that project went this morning. You know what? I'm totally okay with that.

One month and 1/2 months in, and we're making the bedroom, 'our' bedroom. Translation? I've made it girly. We now have this bedspread, pictures, a bedskirt (which he can't even begin to understand the necessity of it), and these mirrors (they come in a pack of 4 for $5.00 at Home Depot, we bought two). Plus the candle holder with the decorative beads. Here's what I'm talking about:

Those are Sand Dollars in the bottom of the vase, what we decided to do was collect them from the Texas Coast and use those instead of the decorative beads, so we have memories of our trip!

Painting is next. The room will not be complete without painting it. I've already told him that he can have the rest of the house (in this house), I just want the bedroom. Since we don't have a proper living room, this is where I spend most of my time, and I wanted it to look nice.

We also need a new bed. My back is hurting more and more from sleeping on that monstronsity he's had forever. Our next project: our DIY headboard. You can check out my dreamroom here, and join pintrest if you have an interest, because it's an amazingly addicitng site where I get a lot of my ideas from. Check it out :)

Our next project? Building a headboard.

Oh boy.

I've survived a Month.

2011-07-21T23:45:00.000-04:00

It's been a month. One month since I started living with a boy. One month ago I said goodbye to tucked-in sheets, dishes always being put in the dishwasher instead of in the sink, and not being ragged on for wanting to watch the Bachelorette.

I don't regret a thing. One certain person laughed at me when I told them I was making this move. Said I'd never make it and this was the stupidest decision I could ever have made. That's when I was just considering it. Well, in your face, stupid person! I'm the happiest I have ever been, minus the being on your own and having to be an adult part.

It's the 'I love you's' every night before bed, the surprise visits at work, the nightly walks and cooking dinner together that make it all worth-while. It's the smiles, the laughter, the poking fun, the adventures and the companionship. I'm very lucky to have this man in my life, let alone to know that I want this to last a very, very long time. We're going on 8 months now, and yes, we've had our ups and our downs, but nothing major. They've all been stepping stones, distinct growing points in our relationship. Whether it's to make me more mature, or him more understanding, they've had their purpose and we've learned our lessons from them and I've never once questioned my feelings for him.

So, even though the dishwasher is dirty and there's still room fore dishes to be loaded into it, I'm going to go curl up next to my boyfriend. I'm going to look at him all adorably, which even I admit is completely sickening, but I can't help it. Maybe we're still in the Honeymoon Stage. If so, I hope it doesn't go away.

Death

2011-07-08T08:54:00.002-04:00

Death is a curious thing. No one knows for certain what happens, if there's a bright light at the end of the tunnel, two doors that you have to choose between, or if you're greeted at the pearly gates. No one knows,and that makes it an uncertainty, and sometimes a scary thing.

My grandmother died, at 82 years old, on Wednesday, July 6th. Grandma Pat was the keeper of the flintstones push-ups, the nasty wafer cookies in the middle drawer, the old percolating coffee maker and the rotary phone.The bringer of the olives, pickles & cherries to Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner, she had gumption, and I like to think I got mine from her. Completely honest (that woman never told a lie, I swear), a great judge of character, she told it to you how it was. She was a 1950's woman through and through. Skirts and bathrobes she was the fun Grandma, who knew what "What's up Dog" and "pulling a Britney" meant. Her collectors Barbie dolls always stood in the curio, and there was always a new one for me to oggle.

Rembering these things make me smile. Then I feel bad for smiling, because I feel like I should miss her, and at times I do. I miss her 50's radio station, I miss walking into their house and being greeted with the smell of coffee and cigarettes smoke. I miss sitting on the couch complaining about how unfair my dad was, and having her tell me "He wasn't perfect in his time, and he's a first-time parent. He's going to make mistakes just like you do." I think about how there won't be any pickles or olives or maraschino cherries at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner anymore, then I say 'Pashaw, I'll bring them'. I remember Grandma in her rollers, nightgown & robe at night, watching her old 70's program that I thought was uber boring. I remember laying on the floor the night Jay was born, waiting for the news of my baby brother who I so badly wanted to be a girl. I remember being so annoyed that Grandma slept on the couch and kept the TV on until she was ready to go to sleep.

Then there's times that I'm happy and completely at peace, because I know. I know that there is a Heaven and I know without a doubt that my Grandma is up there. I know she's back to looking like she was in her 20's, and I know she gets to see her brothers as well as her mom and dad, and I'm happy for her. I got to have her for 23 years of my life, and I'm going to miss her deeply, but she lost her brother earlier than that, I think, and now she's seeing him again. This means that now, when I get married, she can be at my wedding. She can be overlooking it, wherever it may be, because when she was alive, she wouldn't have been able to travel. She gets to watch every single one of us now, instead of waiting for phone calls, and I'm happy for her. We get eternity together later on, and I'm okay with that.

This may be way too spiritual for some people, but certain events in my life have made me believe in God more than I ever did before, and I have complete faith in Him. I know he has my Grandma now, and I know she's happy. As sad as we may all be, Grandma lived a great life, had 4 children, eight grandchildren, and three great grandchildren. She's golden, she's safe, and she's making sure we all are as well. Grandma said to my dad before she died, "Jack, I'm not scared of death. I'm not looking forward to it happening, but I'm not scared of it. I had a strong Lutheran upbringing and I'm going to put it off as long as I can, but I'm not scared of it."

If Grandma isn't scared of it, than neither am I. I'm not excited about it, and I'm sad she's gone, but I'm at peace with it, and I still love her with everything I got.

Dog Gone It

2011-06-16T15:15:00.000-04:00

Day One of living with a boy.
And his dog.
Which, he hates, and I absolutely love. The dog, I mean, not living together. I love that, too, but, he finds the dog completely annoying and needy. I see these traits as loyal and trustworthy. He screwed up when he got a Lab, because I am a sucker for those. Need we look at the four labs I grew up with? I think not.

Anyway. This Dumb Dog is now sitting outside, scratching at the patio door. Why, you might ask? It is because this dumb stupid thing of an animal chewed up my sandal. Okay that's a lie-it wasn't my sandal, which makes it even worse. I borrowed the damn things, and what do I do now? It's not like I can give the pair back saying that this was how I took them in the first place. Not at all.

It's much like a child, when he does good things, he's my kid. When he's a rotten, spoiled, irritating, obnoxious thing of a being- he's totally Steve's. I can just picture him coming home from work, with I in heels and pearls around my neck vaccuming in a total June Cleaver way,
'Do you know what your son did today?!'
'How come when he's bad, he's my son?'
'Because, I say so, and I'm an absolute angel and I know my son wouldn't do something like that, so he must have gotten it from your influence.'
and Steve'll be all, '...yes, dear.'
That's right.

I know I'll end up forgiving him in about ten minutes, but right now I'm angry. I know that he will stand by me (the dog, not my boyfriend) when no one else will, because after all, they're all about loyalty and being your best friend.

Right now, though?
He's still a dumbass dog.

I live with a boy?!

2011-06-15T19:09:00.000-04:00

I'm living with a boy. I'm choosing to live with a smelly, messy boy. This is MY choice?!
It's my choice to have to do our laundry. Not because he asks me to, but because I take the initiative?
I HATE Laundry!
It's my choice to always clean the kitchen, with dishes piled up in the sink and the dishwasher empty.

It's my choice to sit across from him and read a book while he plays video games?
It's My choice.
To cook for two?
My choice.
Yet, amid all these negative things about living with a boy, I can't help but seem to look at the good. Like the little moments. Where he falls asleep after a day of work right next to me, curled up under our new green, cream and chocolate comforter. Or the moments where he chooses me over going to dinner with a friend. I can't forget about the little nuances that make him MY boyfriend.
The face I wake up to every morning. The face I fall asleep to, the one I cry to, the one I vent to. The person I jump on when I'm excited about good news. He is mine, I am his, and I am living with him.

The next step.
The next level.

Let's just hope I can remember all of those good things when he forgets to put the toilet seat down (which he hasn't forgotten yet!).

Hypothetically speaking, of course...

2011-04-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

This all happened because I was wondering how much a trip to Angel Falls would cost.
Yea....my boyfriend and I? We're fun...hypothetically speaking.

It costs just as much to fly to Venezuela as it does to go to Disney World for the two of us.

Holy cow, why does it cost so much?

Well for starters, it's an international flight, babe.

Pfft, we'll take a bike.(meaning motorcycle).

Um, no thanks...I don't want to drive through Mexico (where I'll probably die), Guatemala, Honduras, Costa Rica (although ziplining through the jungle would be awesome!), Nicoragua, Panama, Columbia (where I'll also probably die) just to get into Venezuela, where we then have to drive through half of that country to get to the falls!

Well now you're just being negative.

What?! You just called ME negative?!

Yup. That just happened!

You know what? Let's do it. Totally. Gas has to be cheaper in Southern America. However if I die on this trip/ride, I'm blaming you.

How're you going to blame me for something if you're dead?

Well, first of all, I won't get past a border-town in Mexico so I'll be kidnapped, so I can blame you as that's happening...and then, once they realize that the US doesn't negotiate with terrorists and they can't get ransom for me, I'll be shot. I'll come back and haunt your ass. You, however, will get off scott free being as how you're partially Mexican, and they'll welcome you with open arms.

*claps*. You figured out my plan. well played, Kristy...well played.

I mean, this is all hypothetically speaking, though.

Oh...right...I'm so funny.

Here's To...

2011-04-08T01:51:00.000-04:00

Here's to Best Friends.
Here's to the heartache
the hurt
the joy
the tears
the break-ups
the make-ups
the fights
the laughter
the pillow fights
and dance classes.

Here's to the obnoxiousness
the 'I love you's'
the 'I'll always be there's'
the 'I'm moving-across-the-country'.
the goofiness
the support
the parties
the meaningful moments.
Here's to the shocks,
the twists
and turns,
the missing of important dates,
the being there for the meaningless ones,
the secrets,
the successes,
the failures,
the sharing of everything.

Here's to the pictures,
the memories,
the growing up
and going your own way.
Here's to the 'I always have your back.'
and 'You always have mine.'
the late-night talks,
summer night walks,
and never taking a decent picture.

Here's to the mistakes,
the lessons,
the lies
and the truths.
To you being you,
and me being me.
Best Friends we'll forever be.

As Luck Has It*

2011-04-08T01:27:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those nights where your brain just won't shut down? You try and try, but nothing comes of your attempts? That's what is happening to me. Right now. There isn't even anything really on my mind...I just can't stop thinking. Thinking about my best friend and what she's going through, thinking about money,thinking about school...
Just thinking.

I also can't stop thinking about how lucky I am. Not just for being where I am, but for everyone in my life right now. For Stephen and Joann, the best friends I didn't think I'd have down here. For Crystal and Stacy. For Aunt Nette, Erynn & Jake. For the people back home who still matter, Katie, Mike, Jenn (can't forget Hudson & Roy!), my Mom, Dad, Jack & Jay. Oh, Lyndsi, too.

These people have helped make me who I am today, even if they've been in my life a short time. None of them have negative energy, and none of them want to see me fall. They're all here to pick me up when I need it, and they'll continue to be there.

I'm unbelievably lucky, and I hope you all have people like these in your lives who lift you up, support you (whenever/however you need it), and entertain you all the time.

Normal

2011-03-27T12:06:00.000-04:00

I'm a pretty normal girl. I have brown hair, green eyes, freckles, insecurities, hopes, dreams, achievements. I'm in school, I have a job, a family that cares about me, friendships that are getting stronger by the day. I have people that don't like me and people that love me. Like I said, I'm normal.

Except for that pain that resides in my knees. It alternates, and it always goes back to the origin of my problems. Usually it's in the left knee, but occasionally it's in the right. Sometimes it's an ache, sometimes a shooting pain. They happen when I'm stressed, they happen because I slept on it wrong or the weather changed. It just...happens.

So, yea, I'm normal.
Except for the fact that I take a shot every month to control pain I would otherwise be in for weeks or months at a time.

I've gone through different medicines. Steroids, Sulfur pills, anti-inflamatory meds. Those are only a few.
Here's my thank you to Enbrel. For letting me be a normal, active girl again, who's going to a rock concert in May, an amazing beach trip to Corpus Christi in June, and who is always active, because she remembers what it was like not being able to walk.

Yea, I'm pretty normal.

That Stupid Piece of Metal

2011-03-24T19:30:00.000-04:00

Who would have thought a key would scare me this much? It's just a standard key, a piece of metal that fits in my hand. It's nothing cheesy like 'the key to my heart' or what-not. It opens a door, which is in a standard door jam, white, with two locks. It's a key that scares the ever-loving-crap out of me.

It's the key to his house.
This is how much he trusts me.
This is how much he's letting me in.

This is how I know I'm in trouble. The good kind of trouble. The, 'ohmylanta do I really want to be in this kind of trouble?' trouble. The kind that has me picking linens, and venues, and saying, "No, mother, I don't think a ceremony on a pier would be too much, and Yes, if you're wondering, I'd love to have the fishermen sitting there as well." trouble.

I'm screwed.
This, I am certain of.

I go to sleep with a smile on my face every night, and at the risk of seemingly completely bat-shit-insane, everytime he calls me beautiful, I actually start to believe it. So, let's go back to this key.

This is how I know I'm 95% screwed, because I can never be 100% invested in something emotionally, oh no. I always have to have my guard up, and part of me thinks I'm insane. For what? Well-- here's 8 reasons.

1.) for planning something that we're not even a month into yet
2.) for thinking a Key means so much
3.) for taking a chance.
4.) for risking everything, once again.
5.) for re-thinking my not wanting to have children
6.) for re-thinking my not wanting to even get married
7.) for re-thinking everything I've decided I wanted for myself in the past year.
8.) for having faith.
You have to have it though, right? Without the faith that he cares that much about you, without the faith that he won't hurt you, and if I didn't have faith that this won't end up in a horrible train-wreck waiting to happen way....what the hell am I doing in it in the first place?

I have faith in that key.
I have faith in every single kiss.
I have faith in our pillows.
I have faith in us.
And that scares me more than the stupid key.

If this is Austin, I still love you*

2011-03-14T12:49:00.000-04:00

Isn't it funny how the place you want to escape from the most is the place you end up missing the most? It's the place you run away from, but always end up returning.

As I landed in Flint yesterday, I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. Dreary, depressing, blanketed in white, cold Flint. Where the only good things here are my family and a handful of friends. I love it for what it is and what it was.

Swartz Creek is a great place to grow up. Small Town outside of a once prosperous city (that you can't go into after 10:00 pm for fear of being shot, but still), it's like many American towns. After two hours, though, I sent this text message: "Wish it was time to come home."

Home.

To Austin, Texas.

Home.

Where there's an almost 13 year old girl who looks up to me, a 16 year old I torture like my little brother, a guy who treats me like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, an Aunt that is teaching me everything I need to learn, things to do no matter what night it is, where you can be country in the city, where my car is currently needing an alternator on the side of the curb.

Home.

I can't imagine living anywhere other than Austin, now.

I'm never negative, and it just seemed (as a good friend of mine pointed out) that as soon as I was 'home', I was negative. My parent's house will always be home, but it's not my home.

I can't wait to go to East Lansing, take a picture with Sparty, see my friends, but that's not home either. I feel like a visitor, and I keep thinking, 'what are the perks to being here?' Coney dogs, Faygo, friends, seeing my dad.

I wrote that two months ago. Back when I was in Michigan, back when I thought life couldn't get better.

Well, newsflash, it has.

I still miss my family like crazy, my car was fixed within the week, and then the guy who treated me better than sliced bread now has a title. It's not gigantic asshole or even dipshit, but it's my Boyrfriend. I've realized that home is not just here in Austin, but wherever I'm with someone who cares about me. I've realized I don't have to go to Swartz Creek. I'm not yearning to see the high school, swing at Elms road park, or even go sledding. No, I'm missing the people. My family and my friends. I'm not missing football or baseball games, even though I am a bit depressed I won't see a Tigers game for my birthday this year. I'm happier than I was at this time last year, the year before that, and even the year before that.

So, Austin, I'm in love with you.
Always have been, and I always will be.

Not very convincing.

2011-03-05T18:54:00.000-05:00

I keep trying to convince myself I have everything figured out. That's pointless, because I know I don't. I know I still have lessons to learn, mistakes to make, and heartaches to have.

I know the only attitude to have is a positive one, and I know that everything will make sense one day.

I know all of this, so why am I trying to convince myself otherwise? It's a part of growing up.

The "L" word

2011-02-26T16:43:00.000-05:00

Love. What a powerful word that is. A coworker and I were having a convorsation about my new relationship, and he asked, "Have you thrown out the 'L' word yet?"

My answer? "Are you crazy?! Of course not!" His response was simple. Why?

In his eyes, he didn't know what came before. A relationship or Love, because what is the point of being in a relationship if you're not in love? The convorsation continued on to well, how can you know if you're in Love with the person if you're not in a relationship first? I think a lot of girls and women confuse Love with a deep admiration.

I had a boyfriend in high school who told me he loved me after a week of dating.
I laughed in his face.

It took my last serious boyfriend and I four months to say those words. Looking back, I'm not even sure that was Love, or just lust on steroids.

To the girls who throw the word around like it's nothing: be careful with it. It's okay if you do love someone, but on the other hand, how do you know? I know there isn't going to be a street sign that just plops down in front of you when it happens, and it's not going to hit you like a ton of bricks, but how can you be sure if you haven't even decided you'll commit to that one person? How can you be sure that you can even stand that person for extended periods of time if you don't make that commitment first?

It boggles my mind a bit.

Granted, what is Love, exactly? By defenition it's a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. To me, it's doing anything and everything for that person, without them even asking. Taking a bullet for them because you care about them that much that you'd rather they live and you die.

Now, I haven't felt that way about anyone except my family. Even then, I know I'd definitely do it for my brothers. No questions asked. Instead of Love, how about Care? People throw love around way too much anyways.

What about:
I care for you
or
I care if you get fat
or
I care that you went to the concert without me.
or
I care that you had dinner with your ex girlfriend.

It's understood better than Love. I care about him, just like he cares about me. For now?
I'm in haclavon with that.

Cheers :)

2011-02-26T12:34:00.000-05:00

Here's to that giddy feeling.
Here's to feeling special.
Here's to confidence.
Here's to February 25th.

I'm just like you...only prettier

2011-02-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

Either the day wasn't working with me, or I wasn't working with the day. I should have just stayed in bed. I felt like I was dancing backwards in high heels, and it wasn't even noon yet. I didn't understand why people didn't like me. There were only a certain few. A couple people said it was because I got male attention that they didn't, others said it's because I had the world in front of me, and, well, they didn't.

"Face it," Lissa said one day, "You're cute, skinny, and your personality is just magnetic. You were able to get out of your town and start life somewhere new. To them, you have it made. Not only that, you're going to get out of this crummy store. They're never going to be able to. You're educated. You shouldn't let this get to you."

Like I said, I didn't...for the most part. Yet it was intruiging to me. I know I'm not going to be liked by everyone, and that's not my goal in life. I just wasn't used to not being liked by everyone.

So what had happened to make the morning so bad? Well. For starters, who enjoys getting up at 6 in the morning? No one. Who enjoys sleeping so poorly they woke up every hour in anticipation of that 6:00 hour? No one. Not only did I experience all of those last night...I also shaved part of my eyebrow off this morning.

I'm not kidding.

My brothers and I always joked about how Jay's eyebrows dissappeared in the summer because they turned so blond, it looked as if he had none. He always had to use his fingers for emotions. That's what first sprung to my mind. I don't know how it happened, just that I was half asleep in the shower, dropped the razor from above my head, and caught it with my eyebrow. Seriously. It was a close shave, too. I mean literally, a whole spot, just gone. It's not so bad that I couldn't get to a salon & have them waxed even...so I set out trying to find a salon that was open at 8:00 in the morning.

Guess what?

There isn't one. So, I did the next best thing. I bought an eyebrow pencil and took it to work to try to fix it. Luckily Gem was there to help me out with it. I had never colored my eyebrow in before, I didn't know how to blend it and curve it and whatever the hell you do with it. Hence, where the people who do not like me come in. There was a chick who took a picture of her doing it, even though she didn't know what was going on, to send to her best friend who dislikes me.

I'm sorry, but what? What are you going to do? Make fun of me for having someone else do my makeup? I'm confused. Not only confused, but a little amused that you're taking pleasure in what I think is funny as well. Yes--I stressed about it for a little bit, but even as it happened I had to laugh! If appearances mean that much to you, and you're so concerned with how I look, you might want to gauge how I'm reacting to the situation before you go around making a big deal out of something. I've already proven that I'm not going to let you girls get to me. I graduated high school, and you're both grown women with children. You might want to get over it-- just a thought.

You might be mexican and grew up in the streets of Austin, but I grew up in Flint. I think that's worse. As Erynn would say: Hold my hoops!

Oh, bless their hearts...they actually think they're going to bother me one day.

I love being the chick on the back of a bike....

2011-02-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

but driving one? That's even better.

Wouldn't it be nice if...
they were fixing the bike today?

Oh, by the way? When I say 'bike', there's only one thing I mean. A motorcycle. Heaven on two wheels. Pure amazing freedom. I rode on my first bike when I was little. I can't even remember the age. My dad was driving his green yamaha, and I was in front. Just around the block, though, and not too fast.

Instead of his & her monogram towels, my paren'ts had his & her motorcycles. His was a dull-apple green, and hers was a bright gorgeous sparkly cerulean blue. I fell in love with two things that day. The Cerulean Blue and motorcycles.

The next time I even set foot on a bike I was 15, and it was a motocross bike. I couldn't grasp the concept of evening out the clutch and the gas to make it go, and it was the same with a manual car. Once I got it into 2nd gear on, it was easy. First though? That....was a horse of a different color.

Since I had grown up around bikes, when my friend Jason pulled into the driveway on his slick new Shadow, I didn't hesitate. I hopped on the back of that thing like a fat kid would eat cake. I had grown up around bikes, just like I had guns. Whereas most parent's would be apalled that their child was hopping on the back of a bike at 18, my dad's only requirement was that he needed to drive it first. Just once, around the block. This time, I was on the back. That's when the love affair really started.

There wasn't anywhere Jason & I went that summer that I wasn't on the back of his bike. Unless his girlfriend was, but her parent's wouldn't let her most of the time. That was my senior year of high school.

Now, I'm in Austin, Texas. Motorcycles are all over the place. One of my best girlfriends & her husband ride, my aunts boyfriend rides, Homeboy rides (but doesn't have a bike...anymore). It's practical to have a bike, and more than practical, it's almost a requirement.

So wouldn't it be nice, if they were fixing the broken bike in the garage, if all it needs is a new clutch, and oil change, and a little love.

And all this from an assumption, because someone nodded to the garage where the bike is, and when I asked what they were doing tomorrow, neither one answered, but switched the subject.

A girl can definitely dream, right?

The dreaded

2011-02-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Valentines Day. It's tomorrow. The dreaded holiday that is all flowers and candy and lovey-mother effing-dovey.

I am on the brink of despising it.

It's not because I've always been single on V-day, or because they've all been horrible. Quite the contrary. I had a boyfriend for two Valentines day's, and they were so sweet and nice. All the rest, I've broken up with the poor guy before the day devoted to red and pink even came around. I just feel that there shouldn't be one day devoted to being sweet. Flowers for no reason are way better than flowers on Valentines Day. Then it seems like they're mandated.

Give me the martyrdome. That's what I want. Give me the history behind the day. I'm more interested in history that stands the test of time than flowers that're only garunteed for five days. Granted...every girl loves flowers... but give me the poem the Duke of Chaucer wrote. Give me history, or give me death.
Yea--I went there.

I understand that St. Valentine signed it 'you're Valentine' and I understand that he helped lovers get married under cover. I get that, but let's remember the secrecy, yea? Not mass produced cards candy and colorful flowers. Remember elopements, persecution and death.
How's that for a twist on your favorite day, America?!

This year I have a Valentine. Which is weird. It's not just let's watch a movie & go out to a nice dinner because we're in high school.
No--instead, he said it's up to me. Whatever I want to do for Valentines Day is up to me. No more being indecisive, 'Put your foot down and tell me what you want to do.'
Something fun. No fancy dinner.
I want to watch the sun set in Lake Michigan.
I want to go to the batting cages.
or a shooting range.
I'm that kind of girl.
Give me a helmet and a hunk of explosive metal, give me a rock to climb.
Not a candle lit dinner.
I think St. Valentine would greatly approve of that.

What a Weird day

2011-02-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

Please tell me there is a full moon tonight, because today has been the oddest day, and I need an explination for it. Another co-worker today told me that he liked my swagger. I quote "You're always immaculately groomed, your attitude is amazing. You carry yourself well. I like your swagger, kid."

Talk about an ego boost to start the day. Didn't last long, though. Soon shit started to hit the fan. Enter: The Pizza Incident.
Jealousy is a funny thing, and I'm not sure that's what Loretta (yea...that sounds like a good name for her) has, but a handful of people think so. Someone first suggested that to me after what happened today. I asked the Aussie about it, and he shot back with, "Well, you do seem to get quite a lot of male attention."
....Excuse me? I do? How come I wasn't aware of this? Male attention? I don't even know what that is.

I wasn't pretty up north. Maybe it was just because I didn't have self confidence, or I cared, and now I do have self confidenceand I don't care. It's hard to say. This is a whole new concept to me, and I'm surprised by it. Then it goes back to Homeboy, and how he makes me feel like I am all of those things. I'm very confident in myself and my abilities. Speaking of abilities, now let's fast forward.

Back at work, the district Sales mangers came in. I talked to them for a bit, not even trying to give them my A game, but apparently I did. They were very impressed that someone so young could be so professional, and I feel like I charmed the pants off of them. Well, how could I not? Anyone with my father would know it just comes naturally, just like typing over 200 wpm (that's words per minute, fools!). Crazy day, I tell you.

Not to mention after coming back from lunch, the Task force was outside of work by the fence, doing a raid. Joey and I were sitting in her car, and not once did we notice what was happening outside until it was over and they were all standing there escorting people into vans.
...really? How do you miss policeman all dressed up piling out of three unmarked Creeper vans? Apparently when you're Joey and I, it's easy. Especially when you're caught up in thinking you're going to be fired from a part time job that you desparately need.

I'm telling you guys--weird day. Very, very weird day.

Do you have the Ations?

2011-02-09T11:32:00.000-05:00

It shouldn't matter. Whatever he is doing shouldn't matter to me. Go take a trip with your girlfriend who's parent's are paying for everything that you can only use for a vacation. Have at it. That seems fishy. Why wouldn't they give you the money for a more practical use? You know--seeing as how you lost your job and now have no way of paying rent. Tensions are only going to get higher from what they already are about money.

This is why you shouldn't move in with your significant other after only 3 months off-again-on-again dating.

No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and I know this. Yet the sheer rediculousness of half the problems that I hear about makes me question everything. I also admit that a bit of it is jealousy. I also believe that half the things I hear about are promises that are never to come true. You know, like the friend you had in high school who moves to the big city you're living in now and says, "Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime! It'd be really great to see you." and you agree, but it never happens. Empty promises fill the world.

Also, a note to the girl: I'm his best friend. A shitty one at times, yes, but I'm a part of his past, of course there are going to be pictures of us together on his laptop, in his room, etc. You can't get upset about that. Once again: showing immaturity. I become so aggravated, so insanely irritated whenever this happens.

Just when I think I've reached the peak of my irritation, and that everything is going to go downhill from here, my reality comes back to me. The random text message asking me "How do you determine what size mountain bike you need?" or the video of his dog just rolling around in a pond.

My reality.
My not-so-empty promises.
My up-for-anything yet loves-being-a-hermit-guy.
He makes me feel skinny. When we're just laying there and he finds my hip bone jutting out. He makes me feel sexy, when he strokes my hair away from my neck, "I like seeing the curve." before bending down and kissing all over it. He always makes me laugh, and feel like there's someone reliable there. Someone thinks aobut nice surprises to give me. Even though I talk about how he irritates me, I can't help but remember how lucky I am that when we're together, he's always constantly touching me.
That's my reality.
He has all of the 'Ations'. His own habitation, transportation,occupation and education. He has them all.

My reality doesn't have empty promises, they're all attainable.
That's what I have to remember.

Lazy Days*

2011-01-29T10:35:00.004-05:00

It's days like these that are my absolute favorite. Overcast, muggy, rain threatening to fall at any second, lazy days. The kind of days where you just want to sit on your couch and watch netflix all day long, with re-heated Chinese food and either your closest girlfriend or your boy.

Don't get me wrong, blue skies and sunshine are part of the reason I moved to Austin, but I think it's because there's always blue skies and sunshine that I appreciate these days more.

I'd give anything to be on the couch with Erynn right now, being lazy and watching B-rated movies. An amazing second would be with him, laying on the bed with his arm around me, watching movies we've seen a 100 times before. That would also include pretending to be Emril and Paula Dean, cooking anything and everything, while making fun of my 'Canadian Accent'.

For the record: Michiganians do not have an accent, the midwest is said to have the most accurate dialect in the United States, and not only that, Canadians have an accent, thank you very much.

This day deserves part of it to be dedicated to writing. I haven't actually written anything worthwhile in a long time, and I'm dying to get my hands on my laptop today. My Venti Iced Marble Mocha Macchiato in hand, and ideas in the other, I'd be unstoppable.

Alas, I am at work until 6. Trying to get 24 leads before 6 PM tomorrow night. Talk about discouraging. Instead of being lazy, I have to put myself out there. Talking non-stop, no comfortable silences, and, probably, during my lunch, I'll be talking about 'business' instead of relaxing while eating my Healthy Choice Steamer and my orange. Which reminds me, I didn't bring a drink.

All-the-while, it's still a good day. A good soundtrack is playing, good people are here, and even though it's a dreary lazy day, I still feel like I'm walking on sunshine.

I'm so doing this.

2011-01-14T18:03:00.002-05:00

Diva's Unite!

Yea, I'm taking place in a Diva 5k in March. March 5th, to be exact. It'll be complete with a tiara, feather boa AND a rose for Me (and everyone else who participates)!!

Super Stoked.
Let the training commence.

New Years Resolution

2011-01-07T18:14:00.004-05:00

I've never liked New Years Resolutions. Year after year, people make them, and year after year another one is broken, and people laugh at their goals.

I feel like I've already reached my New Years Resolution. I did that three months ago tomorrow. I've moved out of my comfort zone and into real life. I still can't believe I'm here. Everytime I pass the city I get chills. Really, I do. This incredibly lucky feeling overcomes me, and I'm just so relieved. I may not be doing much, but at least I'm not doing it in Swartz Creek. It takes a very strong willed and determined person to move away from everything they've ever known and do something completely different. I always talked about it, dreamed about it, and finally realized I had it in me.

In one day, I'll be in a land of (hopefully) snow and comfort, where 18* is the high and 12*is the low. Ahh, welcome home. The land of comfort, Koney Dogs, and close friends. The place where it's great to visit and grow up, but never to live again. It's the place with a real wood-burning fireplace, iced over creeks and rivers, snow grazing the top of Sparty's head, and crazy bad roads.
Like I said,
it's home.

I've never been more excited to go and visit :)

So, here's my new years resolution. To be happy--wherever I am-- and to kick ass at whatever I do.
Shouldn't be too hard when I'm already succeeding, huh?

Imagining

2010-12-23T18:36:00.003-05:00

If I imagine hard enough, I can almost see a slight dusting of snow on the tree branches outside. If I look quick enough, I can see the sparkle of the sun relfecting off of it and blinding me for half a second. If I light my candle for long enough, I can smell the snowfall and transport myself back to the north woods of Michigan.

If I imagine hard enough, I can be back to the stillness of winter, the wildlife tip-toeing around, the smell of smoke rising out of the chimney, and the relaxing feeling after taking the first steps outside, starting the journey to wherever the destination may lie. I can be back to the quiet and calm and peace that a winter wonderland is, instead of the harsh reality of the winter wonder-not I'm in.

If I imagine hard enough, the gas fireplace turns to wood burning, the smell permeating the blankets and chairs. The hot coco in my hand warms me up instead of just making me hot, and I devour the book I am reading in a second, because everyone knows there is nothing cozier than sitting in front of a fireplace reading as snow reigns terror on the world outside.

For a second I can hear the crunch of fresh powder underneath my boot as I mount myself onto my snowboard, instead of the harsh crush of asphalt underneath my tennis shoe. For a second, I can feel the chill of the air rush by my face as I head down the mountain instead of the brisk breeze genty rustling the leaves still on the trees. For a second, I can taste the nothingness of snow and feel melting flakes in my hair.

Only for a second.
If I imagine hard enough.

Courageous*

2010-12-17T14:39:00.003-05:00

For years I have been wondering how I will measure up as the next generation in my family. How will I ever be as courageous, strong, independent, and amazing as the three women in my who have come before me? The three women who have influenced me the most, my Grandmother, Aunt, and Mother, are three of the most gutsy, intelligent and admirable women I know.

How was I ever going to compare? I never thought I would, let alone could.

Is it a bit ironic that as I was thinking about the situation I was in last night, I realized that I don't need to try to be like any of them? That the gene is already in me? I'm already exuberating the characteristics that all three have?

I proved to myself that I was strong, I was courageous, that I wasn't backing down from a icy-blue-eyed bitch and I was standing my ground?

For years I have been wondering if I was to be the one where the gene would fall short, wondering if I was where something wouldn't add up.

As it turns out, I needn't worry. Not one little bit. Everything falls into stride at some point or another, and I just have to let everything take it's course.

Great Night, Rough Morning

2010-12-04T12:13:00.004-05:00

Hung over at work...again. How many of my posts start out like this? Too many to count?

I was texting the Aussie as I pulled into the parking lot. I had woken up early, planning on going to get some sustenance before starting what was sure to be a long, drawn out, very annoying day at the Depot, but I was so exhausted from the night before that I barely made it to work, let alone nourish myself.

Homeboy be trippin'.

As the day progressed, the hair came down from my 'hangover ponytail', makeup was put on, and I look semi-presentable now. However, the whole helping customers thing? So not happening. I spent the first half of my morning sucking down coffee (Yes, I left work to go get some), talking to my Aussie, telling Mexicans I don't speak Spanish, and hiding.

The exhaustion wore off, The Aussie went home for the day, and the headache set in. So here I sit, tylonal in my system, waiting for lunch, ready to die. I'm still avoiding the Mexicans, and my managers.
Oh, life is going to be amazing today.

Awesome

2010-12-02T23:49:00.003-05:00

It's times like right now that I wonder if I did the right thing. Not the whole picking-up-my-life-&-moving-in-a-new-direction thing, but the cutting him out of my life because I'm-so-much-better-without-a-dramatic-asshole-like-him-for-a-friend thing.

The end result? Too much thinking, a headache, and exhausted with no sleep anywhere in sight.
Yep.
Awesome.

Haitus...but not the writing kind.

2010-11-24T09:25:00.001-05:00

I became so wrapped up in you that I forgot my mission again. You know, the one where I'm working on me, and not finding a guy? Yea, that one. I forgot that hey, hello!! Kristen is in here somewhere, the one that used to exist pre-Colin, the one who didn't get wrapped up in being in a relationship but avoided one. Yea, Avoided. I was on vacation one time, hanging out with kids my age (which was like, 16) and this girl I didn't know, who was having a 'girls weekend' (because you definitely know the meaning on that when you're 16) with her friends got really excited because her phone rang. I mean, she couldn't have sprinted fast enought to the other side of the fire to get to it. She picked it up, and turned 11 again. Seriously. She answered the phone in her best 'awe childish voice' and said, "Hi baaaaaby!!" Yea.

I never wanted to be that. Now, looking back, I'm disgusted with myself that I was.
My first boyfriend at 16, Steve, told me he loved me after a week of dating.

What happened? I laughed at him. Laughed! What happened to her? That girl? She was absolutely amazing. I played around, was guarded, never got hurt. Felt bad about things, but never hurt. That's not to say that someone special can't bring my guard down, because I can, I have, and I did.

So this is officially a Hiatus. When I announced that at work to a couple of my friends in casual conversation yesterday, Jake said, "Wait, you mean like, celibate? That's so not fair! One guy screws it all up and makes it harder for the rest of us."

No, Jake, that's not what I mean. I'm not going to push, I'm not going to actively look for a guy to be with. I'm going to actively look for friends. Positive energy, a support system, and people to just hang out with. Why look for someone that's only going to be there for a part of your life, whether that be a week or five years? Why not look for the people who will be there through it all? That's my question. If a guy comes along, one comes along. If not? I'm not going to worry about it. I don't need someone to define me. I am Kristen, I have gumption, great dancing skillz and compassion. I smile all the time, make a fool out of myself in public, and I'm not afraid. Bring it on--all of it. I can handle it all, and I will. I am strong, I am invincible, I am me.

Dear Universe

2010-11-22T10:37:00.005-05:00

Okay, Universe. Time to hear me out.

All I'm asking for is happiness. That's not hard, and I'm not being negative right now. Not at all, really. Am I happy?...I'm happyish. Mostly I'm content. I just want some answers. Life would be so much easier if everyone had the answers they needed, right? Granted, I understand I can't get all of the answers I want and/or need, but I would like some.

I want to know where he and I stand, simply put. I want things to be my decision with him, and I want him to get ahold of me first. I want to also remember how I am much better than...that... and maybe in 3 years when he's 22 and I'm...*shudder* 25, we'd be better. Granted, hopefully when I'm 25, Universe, I won't be in this position anymore. Then, Universe, I think to myself, 'why does it matter?' Am I so worried because I feel like I lost the first friend I made since I really moved here? No...but I feel like that's a part of it. Really close, really fast. I miss the jokes, because no one else understood my sense of humor.

Then again--it was a week long fling. Get over it, sister. Bigger & Better things, and you can always, always get another one.

PS- thank you for that ego boost yesterday, whether what I'm thinking is true or not. I look good, I feel good, and it's making me write again, which is awesome. I'm having a block, this is true, but I'm sure you'll get me through it. Positivity, happiness and hope.

That's all I need :)

Not Giving Up

2010-11-20T16:38:00.001-05:00

It was one of those days where I wanted to pack up, go back to Michigan and just give up because it was easier. I knew I wouldn't, though. That just isn't my style. A month later and I was still jobless. I had only a handful of friends, and they were all co-workers. I was attached to a boy...because I thought I could play 'the game'. Hello--who in the hell was I kidding?

One, I can't play 'the game', I hadn't since high school. Actually, that's a lie. I can play the game. I can play it really well. Especially 10 lbs lighter and with my still raven-black hair, I was the queen at it. There was one problem. I got attached. I fell hard and fast, which is what I swore I wouldn't do.

Wonderful.

So here I sat, another bandage in my hand ready to go over the most recent stab-wound that I had acrued in my heart. This one wasn't that big, seeing as how, well, it only lasted a week. Damn. The sex was good. Not better-than-the-ex good, but still better than any other first I had had.

Time to think like a guy. Don't text, don't call, don't care.

If only it were that easy.
Where did my bad-ass self go? The one who didn't care. The one who only thought of herself, had fun, drank until the wee-hours and knew she didn't need a guy what-so-ever?
It couldn't have all been just an act. She's in there somewhere. I just know it. I ended up in front of my mirror again, just staring. Sucking in the fat, pulling back my hair. Any physical change that could give me my confidence back. Then I snapped. It's not physical. It's mental. That attitude is inside me, not in my looks. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I wish I was getting attention. I'm an attention whore, I absolutely fucking love it, and when it's taken away just like that, of course I'm going to snap.

Messy hair. That was the key. I shook my head, whipping my hair around being an animal. Just as soon as I started, I stopped and took a good look, and just like that, there she was again. 'I missed you.' I knew I was crazy, talking to myself, but I didn't give a damn. I was back.

Therapy

2010-11-20T16:27:00.002-05:00

There isn't anything more thereputic than a punching bag, a good conversation & a movie. Unless, of course, it's pizza, wine, and getting pampered.

Halloween*

2010-10-31T22:46:00.004-04:00

There's something about Halloween. Pretending to be something your not, dressing up, being goofy, raising a little hell. It's in the air, maybe it's the smell of sugar from the candy, or the brisk October breeze, but Halloween is that one day that's just pure fun.

I realize that it's supposed to be scary, but you can make it whatever you want it to be. When you're little, you just know that you get free candy if you dress up. In your middle-school years, you try to be scary, deciding that Haunted Houses, Haunted Corn Mazes, or just scary movie parties are your thing. In High School, it's all about the parties, dressing up in as little as clothing as you can, pretending to be some slutty something. College is mostly the same, except you can drink legally now.

It's the pumpkins, the decorations, the ghost stories and the thrills & chills. It's about fun, and being that one thing that you really want to be. It's about imagination, terrors & haunts. Staking out a graveyard just to catch a glimpse of what could be.

Deny it all you want, but Halloween is my favorite holiday. Besides, on All Saints Day (11/1), all the extra candy is 1/2 of...what's NOT to love?!

Best Friends

2010-10-29T09:46:00.003-04:00

It doesn't matter if you haven't talked in an hour, or a year, but a best friend is always your best friend. You signed up for the job (whether voluntarily or involuntarily). You're there for those phone calls at 2 am, 7 am, and 4 pm. You're there for the tears, the hugs, the laughter, joy and pain. You're there for...everything.

What hurts the most, though, in being a bff? Being 1400 miles away when your best friend needs you. When they need a hug, a plane ride, to just see you.

But then, there's Skype. Skype is there for face-to-face interactions. Like Long distance High-Fives (thanks to my brothers), and web-hugs. They're not the same by any means, but the shear rediculousness of it all makes it amusing.

Then you have those pleasant phone calls, ones where you're underneath the stars and wrapped snug in a blanket. Like you did that one night sitting on their balcony, looking at the moon and smelling of cigars. Where things aren't right in their world, but the only thing they know is right is talking to you. That's what you're there for. Those phone calls. The ones where if nothing else, they have you. They have someone to reassure them, make them laugh, whip them into shape, and just listen. They have a best friend, which many people don't have. You can spend hours after hours on the phone, talking about nothing and laughing about the stupidest things, and it's all okay...because no one quite gets you like that other person does.

Here's to Best friends.
May you always laugh,
rarely cry,
and drive each other crazy every chance you get.
With love.

Sicko

2010-10-27T21:52:00.002-04:00

Being sick isn't any fun at all. Especially when your nose feels like you've no chance at all of breathing out of it again, you look like a 'tard because you stare at everything with your mouth open (because you can't breath out of your nose), and your head feels as if you've been hit by a bus. Plus--ha, I didn't even add in the part about your stomach huritng so much you can't stand up without shooting pains. Those will go away, though...that's just because you didn't eat anything all day long.

Even my Vicks Puff's Tissues aren't helping much, and those are God's gift to sick people!! I'm tired, it's only 8:55, and I've been in bed trying to sleep since 8.
Yep.
I'm sick.

Wond-er-ful.

Soulmate*

2010-10-25T01:19:00.002-04:00

Soulmate is a powerful word. Not only that, but a lot of people believe that a person only has one soulmate. This, I disagree with. I intend on having two, maybe more. People also believe that a soulmate is the person in which you romantically spend the rest of your life with. Well--that much is true...it's one kind of soulmate.

I believe there are many kinds. I will have that romantic soulmate in my life, but right now? I only, for sure 100% have one. My best friend. Friends can be your soulmates, too. No matter who/what it is, if they match the defenition, they're your soulmate.

He corrects me when I'm wrong.
He's always going to be there for the big stuff.
He makes fun of my stupid habits,
he hates anyone who makes me cry.
He isn't afraid to tell me the truth,
and knows when I need to hear what the most.
He's the person who will always know me through & through,
the one who, if we don't see each other for 3 years, will know even though I'm smiling on the outside, I'm crying on the inside & needs to kick someones ass.

That's a soulmate. The one person who just knows. Who just gets you.
Even if you don't talk but once a year,
of if it's three times a day.
The one you call with your problems,
the one who knows your fears and hopes,
your weaknesses and strengths.
They're the ones that you will remember 'till the end,
and even the ones who will be there till the end.
They're the ones that matter.
Without him, I'd be alone.
Not that being alone is a bad thing, because it's actually quite magical. I'm so busy now-a-days that I embrace my alone time. In fact, I like it more than I like going out.

Then there's you. The guy who is starting to tear down defenses one adventure at a time. You could be a soulmate, too...and I'm dead serious when I say that. Yet, one soulmate is enough for me right now, and maybe our timing is just off...maybe it's perfect. I don't know & I don't care. I just know it's fun, and fun is where it needs to stay. It's when things become serious that they aren't fun anymore, and I'm not ready or willing, to give up my fun.

stories*

2010-10-22T19:38:00.002-04:00

It's just another story to tell. Every mistake, every accomplishment, every moment, they're all just stories to tell. That's all this is, too.
Everything.
Moving to Texas, painting my room with a 12 year old, going out with my Aunt every weekend. They're all just stories. That's all life really adds up to, right? A series of adventures put into words, formed in lines and put into a story.

Now I'm going to love those boots even more. They have a story. A story of how a gallon of latex-based paint was spilled right onto them. The brown leather porus and absorbing that white paint as fast as it possibly could. A story of how I stood over the kitchen sink scrubbing them and scrubbing them with as much elbow grease as I could muster up. Those cowboy boots now have gumption (if an inanimate object can possibly have gumption). They have a story. It'll probably continue on tomorrow. Something about how I found a scorpion that had crawled into those stupid boots and I didn't notice until after it stung me that it was in there. Only because it's me...and that would be just my luck. Cross your fingers that doesn't happen, though. It would be a dreadful experience.

Yet a story none-the-less. After all, what kind of a past would something, or someone have, if there wasn't a story behind it?

flickering*

2010-10-15T20:40:00.003-04:00

There's always going to be that one relationship you wish you could get back. Whether it be friendship, familyship or actual relationsip, there's always one.

I say I like the way my one relationship is now, but I'm lying. I'm lying about how I miss him, lying about how I wish it was back to the way it used to be. Lying about how I'm happy for him, even though deep down, there's a percent of me that isn't. It's very tiny, but it's there.
I'm lying about how I'm happy the way things turned out.
I'm not right now, but I will be in the future, this I Know.
I'm just plain lying.

But, lies sometimes become the truth, right? If you work hard at them to make them reality.

I'm sad inside, about how we don't talk that much anymore.
I'm sad that someone else comes before me.
I'm sad that he's not the first person I call with my secrets anymore.
Really, I am.

I know it's all for the best, and that our lives were going two separate ways.
But I'm also sad, because I couldn't wait around anymore.
Not on him.
And he couldn't wait around on me.
It was never going to work for us, no matter how hard we tried,
And that's fine.
What's not fine, though, is how he's still waiting.
Waiting for his life to truly start.
Waiting on school, or the military, or a great job. Whichever comes first.
Stuck in Limbo, still waiting.
I'm not there anymore, I'm not his constant go-to person.
I have no real pull anymore.
That makes me sad.

I wish I could hug him.
Wish I knew what was really going on in his life.
I wish he really knew what was going on in mine.
I wish I still had my friend.
There's nothing I can do about it now, though.
Even if there is, there's nothing I should do about it.
I'm moving on and being strong.

We talk every once in a while, and he always sees me happy.
Which, for the most part, I am.
There aren't any tears in Texas, only laughter.
Laughter, smiles and fun.
No baggage comes with you to Austin.
It's a clean slate.

You're my boy ace...and you'll always be that relationship for me.

For now, though, Laughter is the sparkle in life and I intend on laughing a lot.
Today was great. It's not every day you run into a boy wearing BKE's, cowboy boots and a DU hat. Yea, I know, it's not every day you just randomly know when something is completely,totally, 100% right.

Liking Me

2010-10-14T23:29:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure that cute hispanic men need to stare me down as they walk past while giving me that...stare.
Really, I'm not.

I'm not so awesome that you have to follow me, keep asking me questions. And by the way, I definitely know what 'hot ass' is in spanish.

I also would not let my kid lay on the floor of a Home Depot...for extended periods of time.
Not.
At.
All.

I would, however, flirt with the dirty blond who was the first one to introduce himself.
He's cute.
I would just walk around talking to people (it is my job).
I would accept an invite from a nice employee to go tailgating on Thanksgiving DAy before a big UT football game (and I Did).
And, I would definitely go for pizza with that guy in paint who's just a doll.

I would not go on a date with you because you said I had a nice ass in spanish and some other derogatory things that you thought I couldn't understand, and then ask me out in english. I replied with a 'no, gracias...y hablo espanol tambien.' before turning and walking away.

I will drive to San Antonio to have a party with a couple of dear friends.
I will have a good time.
I will let loose.
I will make another name for myself.
I will be me without you,
even though I miss you for seconds from time to time.
I will be me.
I am me.
I'm going to like me.

Credit Kills.

2010-10-14T13:38:00.003-04:00

I have no money.
Really, I don't. Now, my aunt wants to sit down and look at my finances. Not a big deal, I need to. I just added it all up. I'm $2,251.60 in debt. To whom? Who would a 22 year old girl be in debt to? Well let's see. Grandma, Kay Jewelers, Buckle (thanks, ex boyfriend, for introducing me to THAT store), and Victorias Secret. They wouldn't be that bad if it were just Grandma, Vickies Secret & Kays. Those would only total $800.00ish all together.

But Buckle?! You're killing me, smalls. Your stupid interest for a girl who had to pay some medical bills are absolutely killing me.

I hate money.
I hate credit.
IT seemed amazing when I first turned 18, but I now realize it's the devil.
The absolute devil.

I, at 22, should not be this worried about money. It should be absolutely illegal for a teenager to have more than one credit card. Granted, Teenagers (as well as people in their early 20's) should be more responsible. How is that possible in the economy the way it is, though? It's hard!

Then, I go back to how when Bill Clinton was president things were cleaned up. Then how a certain Republican screwed it all up again. How the country wasn't managed the way it should be. How now, I'm not sure if it is either, but I voted for the guy. Mise as well back him up.

My debt isn't even that bad, and it stresses me out constantly. CONSTANTLY. No one has any idea. I work my ass off just so I can pay these bills. I pay them, and then I turn around and have no money. I'm living paycheck to paycheck at 22 years old. It's not because I'm a starving artist either.
I honestly, at times, feel like the bums on the street have it better than I do here in Austin.
Really, I do.
How sad is that?
Now because I was stupid, I probably won't be able to get a loan, I'm a high credit risk. Wonderful.
*yay*
Lesson?
Credit Kills.
hardcore.

You're My Best Friend

2010-10-14T11:09:00.002-04:00

My best friend wouldn't seem like a best friend to other people. It is only now that he is becoming a best friend to me, and I one to him. That doesn't matter, though. What matters, is we are. We are the ones that save each other from reality, we're the ones that we turn to when something isn't right.

It was all I needed him to say today, "Yea, I would very much like to kick that kids ass." and, 'He's an idiot.'

For that situation: today is another day, and he's just another guy.

But Ace? Ace is my boy. He's the one that will never dissapoint me, unless it's with himself, but he's working on that.

I can't explain our relationship, it's a hard one to figure out, and even we don't understand it. That's okay. As long as we can make it work...and we do.

I absolutely adore him, and I know he'll be there for that phone call that's going to come at some point, and I'll be there for his.

Thank you, Ace. for all of your love & support, attitude and anguish, frustration and anger. You've been there for it all :)

Dear D

2010-10-13T22:15:00.003-04:00

I.Like.You.
why is that so hard to say? Why is it, that these feelings have come rushing back? Why, even when every other guy is hitting on me, and I'm feeling better than I ever have, all I want is your recognition? Well, that's a simple answer.

It's like pulling teeth, having a conversation with you. So that's why this is happening. This is a letter to you, D. Here goes.

I adore you. I have for about a year now. It happened almost instantly, and then, as I heard your story, I gained the utmost respect for you. You are sweet, caring, and hilarious. People just have to get to know you. You're an amazing griller, and your smile? It's the most contagious one I've ever seen. You make me have butterflies. Not the little 3rd grade 'I have a crush' butterflies, but the kind of butterflies you only get every once in a blue moon.

I'm scared that because of you, nothing will ever happen with this. Seriously, I am. Grow up! Become a little bit open. We were close when I was here last, at least I like to think so. My heart is beating a million miles a minute right now, D. Why can't you just take a chance? I did. This is the first time I've done something like this.
Ever.
Please, Please Please Please, realize what I have on the line right now.
Because it's a lot.
And I'm nervous.
I'm scared.
I'm really scared, actually. I'm afraid I just ruined a great friendship...
but I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to. I'm sure you knew, anyways.
So please, just man up?
because if you don't respond in, like, 3 seconds...
I think I'm going to do something that I never, ever do.
Like give up hope.

Under the Texan Sky

2010-10-13T11:58:00.002-04:00

I just overall feel better. I know that Under the Tuscan Sun is all about wine, love and Italy, but Under the Texan Sun is different. It's all about being healthy, inside and out, reinventing myself, and just being happy.

Who cares about finding love? Who's rules are those? Not mine. What are my rules? I don't have any. Why dictate what you can and can not live by? What's the point in giving yourself regulations? Uninhibited. That's what I want to be. That's what I'm going to be.

There's no expectations right now, because if I have expectations then I can be let down. Just for this once, I'm not giving myself any guidelines. None what-so-ever. It feels nice.

It's nice to just hang out in the sunshine, reading. It's nice to sit on the patio, listen to the fountain and write. Nice. Not stressed out, just relaxed It's been a long, LONG time since I just relaxed.

Under the Texan sun.
it means promise
it means hope.
It means faith
and it means letting go.
It means finding myself.

...how am I already chilly and it's only 84* out?

Sibling Love

2010-10-12T10:53:00.003-04:00

It's amazing how someone can be so close with someone else.
Specifically a brother/sister relationship.

I think the world of this kid, more than he knows. I look up to him, honestly. He's a brilliant person, and I honestly wish I was half as book smart as he is. All throughout my childhood, I was so pissed off at him. He always got straight A's and made me feel like an idiot, and then I grew up. I realized that I should be happy for him, and eventually I was.

I realized what a great brother I had, who would let me crawl in his bed and fall asleep watching TV while he was on the computer, just because I had broken up with my ex boyfriend who I thought I loved. I realized that he was amazing, that no matter what he was always going to be my brother.

Then I went off to College again, and loved it when he came to visit, as rare as it was. No one has any idea what a pedestal I put this kid onto. He can write poetry brilliantly, and I could only ever hope to write that well.

There's a scar on his head from me when we were little, but I promise you, it was all out of love.

We were so close, in my eyes. Now, though, it seems like everything is changing. There are so many things that I think of, and I call him just to tell him, but he's busy. I get that, he's in college studying his ass off...we're all the way across the country from each other.

He's the one I go to, though. The one who always puts things into perspective for me...and it's been building up for a long time coming. I miss him. A lot of things have been coming into perspective for me since I detoxed my life. Family is one of them. I miss him so much...the fighting, the talking, and just making fun of each other. I just want to talk, but he never can. Even when he says he'll call back he forgets...it's like that friend you just get so fed up with because you know it's never going to happen so why get your hopes up. It just hurts. It's like the time when I got mad at him before I left for my freshman year in school and said, "I can't wait to leave so I don't have to deal with you!"...that broke him to the core (so I've heard). I knew exactly how to get to him, so I used it. It's like he knows exactly how to get to me, and he's doing it...by ignorning me. Not fully, but just enough.

I expect he can't always be there to talk, I know...but I feel forgotten about. I miss talking to my brother, telling him the stupid random stuff.

Then he calls, being totally sweet and all Jack-like, letting me know that blood always comes first and he'll schedule me in.

Ha.
Like I need to be scheduled in.
loser.
:)
Love you, buddy.

I...hate my life, just so you know.

2010-10-10T09:44:00.003-04:00

Right now, my life sucks. A hot shower is ready for me afer a night out, a night in which I only got 3 hours total of sleep. Yep. Maybe 4, but that extra hour wasn't right with the other 3. Yay for San Antonio TX, yay for someone drunkenly peeing on your phone so it doesn't work, yay for only having 5 dollars in your checking account, and yay for being hungry and having to go to work. *sigh*. Shower time.

Wine

2010-07-09T23:27:00.006-04:00

My biggest mantra is life goes on.

Why is it so hard for me to listen to myself? I'm sitting here, Wine in hand (White, Sauvignon Blanc), fighting back tears (not so much anymore) because I can't take my own damn advice.

I need to be okay by myself before I can be okay with someone else. This isn't even about a relationship. This is about friendship. Mourning the ones I've lost, and anticipating the ones I have yet to find. I'm stuck in my old habits and that needs to change (insert wine sip here).

Where do I make the change between young adult and experienced young adult? When do I realize that working at Home Depot is not enough? Why do I feel the need to grow up so fast, when I've barely even been young and stupid?

My partner-in-crime is no longer around, and I'm by myself. This is what I need, to be alone and to branch out (another wine sip). It would have been perfect tonight, but I am not about to go to a bar in Flint that would result in a high-school reunion, plus even a dreaded run-in with the ex. Not happening.

Flattering that you asked me out, though.
(another drink of wine....this time more of a gulp...).

I know this is sketchy tonight, but I'm writing as I'm thinking. Heaven forbid I say exactly what is on my mind, heaven forbid I don't ponder my words for seconds or minutes to make sure they don't offend anyone or some out more intelligent than I originally had thought.

I've had five years taken away from me. Five years I could have been having fun. Five years I could have been building up friendships, flings, and funny situations. Five years just gone....wasted in tears, trials and tribulations that weren't good. Five. Fucking. Years. (drink).

What the hell? Why did I let that happen?! WHY? The me I know and love would never have stood for that shit. Hell,
I'm not standing for it now.

I will not let another five years go by in misery without my notice. I will not stand for it.

(victorious wine gulp here)

Can it get better?
Will it get better? (go to drink wine)

......damn....I finished my glass.

missing you

2010-06-27T11:48:00.001-04:00

I miss my best friend.

It's not as hard as it was last time...
but I want to be able to call anytime.
The only person stopping me is me,
and maybe that's the problem. I need to not call him, though.
It'll only make the situation worse, and make me believe I want something I don't.

I just want my best friend back (even though he never left).

No worries*

2010-06-27T09:34:00.002-04:00

I beg for the days where I didn't measure everything in 'good hours' or 'bad hours'. I beg for the days when my bigget worry was why my best friend was mad at me. I beg for the days where I was practically worriless.

I realize this is all a part of growing up, and I welcome it. I just wish I were happier. I wish I was far away, being the independent amazing person I can be, instead of plagued with worn out memories and upsetting situations.

I wake up every morning with recollections of dreams from the night before. More and more they're reminding me I'm in a place I shouldn't be. Physically and mentally.

I'm left worshipping and greiving a friendship that has defined me for five years...and that is just plain wrong. I'm better than that, better than waiting for a friend to actually be in a friendship. Better than being put down every five minutes.

I know it's in joking fashion (sometimes), but it still hurts. I'm better than waiting all night for a phone call that'll never come. I'm better than being the last resort for plans. I'm just better than it all.

I'm done not having any self-esteem because someone inadvertantly tears it down. It's over, done for.
He will always be my friend, but it's better to be friends from a distance. That way, I can't get hurt. He can't hurt me.

That statement is still so far from the actual truth. Oh well. As my 12 year old cousin would tell me: Get over it. Life is too short to lose another 5 years of my life to nasty words and not-always-there friends.
I'm not going to do it.

Tryin' to grow up, but who knows where to start?

2010-06-24T13:22:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've written, but I feel the need to get something out. None of that 'life is hard, there's heartache and heartbreak and blah blah blah.
...sort of.

It's about needing to do something with my life and not feeling stuck. Stuck in the cycle of shots, treatments, tears, romance and betrayal. I'm in on a merry-go-round that never ends. It ended for a brief period of time, but I'm right back on that ride, right back where I don't want to be.

I need to figure it out fast, too. My lease is ending, and with that I'll need to enroll in school closer to home, transfer my job, and just plain figure life out. I'm stuck in that phase somewhere between I know who I am, and I Know who I want to be, but how do I get there? How do I make the transition from struggling 22 year old college student to comfortable (physically, mentally and emotionally) 23 year old? I have a whole year to do it...but, my goal is by the end of summer. Unrealistic? Maybe.
Possible? We'll see. All I need is a plan. A plan that has twists and turns, edits and rewritings.
And no more tears.

I wish....

2010-02-17T01:53:00.002-05:00

I wish someone was up to talk to me. I was doing great all day, and this new self-appreciation is a combination of Elizabeth Gilbert's novel Eat Pray Love and a realization--this came while eating pizza on a walk home from a bar, just like I used to do in Texas.

Then, I broke. I only talked to him once today...but I couldn't just go to sleep after an amazingly busy day with some of my best friends. No--I had to call. It didn't matter that we didn't talk and he probably won't remember the phone conversation. No--it was just that itch I had to scratch. I couldn't just say no.

Why are you the only thing that does this to me?
You suck.

Now it's time for sleep, the first full day of classes I will attend after being sick for two weeks is tomorrow. I need my rest if I'm going to go play tennis.
And, why is Barenaked Ladies singing Chickety China at the Olympics? Sorry--side note.

I need to sleep. I need to not think. I need to be able to love myself before I can sleep by myself, or even be comfortable being around myself.

I have an eclectic group of friends, though. The Sassy redhead, the brilliant brunettes and the bold blonds. They wouldn't hang out with each other, but I have one to fit every single mood I'm in. That is why they're awesome.
Thank you to Mel and Jessica for hanging out with me today. Old & New friends, I can never have too many to help pick me back up, or to just remind me what 'normal' is.
Reflecting on that thought, life is good again, and I'm kicking Loneliness out of my bed. I'm so not sleeping with him tonight. I'm fine just on my own.

Here's to Us

2010-01-19T15:56:00.002-05:00

I have to let you go in order to get you back. I'm not saying that the way you think, either. I'm saying it because I've already done it. Had you not talked to me and made me believe things would be different, we would be great friends right now. I would be the friend you wanted me to be, the friend I can be. I know this. I'm sure of it. So, in order for you and I to be friends, I have to let you go in order to get you back.

I need to get back to being me. I need to get back to my 'Life goes on' attitude. I need to be myself again. I can be myself again...I'm confident. So,Cheers. Here's to finding myself again, writing it all out, and being the successful person I want to be.

Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship. Here's to us.
Love,
Always.

missing something...

2010-01-19T10:14:00.003-05:00

How can I miss him when he's just in the next room? It's making me go insane. I need to go back to the pool and swim, swim my little heart out. I just wish I didn't get so tired after ten laps. Or two, even. I did ten yesterday, though. I feel fine. :-D

I have people who care about me. Countless people. People that span over many many different states. So why am I worried about one person? Why do I care that much? Yes he's my best friend. But he hurt me. I can't trust him. I'm not in love with him. So why is it affecting me this much? It shouldn't be. Not at all.

Just for the record--I deserve much, much better.

Video Games

2010-01-17T22:34:00.003-05:00

I've realized that video games relieve stress. Just like running, or yoga. My best friend came over the other night and wanted to teach me the 'way of the gamer'. I suck at it, don't get me wrong. Yet, for some reason I am determined to kick his ass at some point so I keep playing. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 has me addicted. My friend Jessica and I joked when it came out that it stole boyfriends everywhere. Now? I gave up a night going out with the girls for a video game and a boy.

Something is wrong here. Boys are dirty! They don't shower every day, leave dirty dishes out, and their clothes smell and they're all over the room. Ew. I must admit, though, I have way less stress on my plate than I did a couple days ago. Especially when I kill him in the game...it makes me feel happy. Not only because 1.) he's kicking my ass mercilessly, but because (and here's a secret) I've wanted to hurt him ever since he broke up with me...about a week and a half ago. It's nice.

Speaking of that. I'm still upset. Not upset to where I'm crying and distraught, but upset to where I get bummed. I miss kissing him. I miss knowing he'll always be there. I mean, he will always be there...but sometime another girl is going to come before me. That's going to suck when I'm not his number one. Even though the other night he said I will always be his number one...I know I won't. He's going to care about someone at some point more than me and she'll come before me. I just hope she doesn't lay down the 'rules' like his last fling. Bitch.

Word Vomit.

2010-01-15T10:13:00.004-05:00

I can feel it coming. Early in the morning when I wake up. Or, when we're just laying in bed talking. I can feel it preparing to happen.

I can feel my brain thinking about how much fun we've had the past couple of days. The past week. I can feel my smile getting bigger when I think of him. I don't love him anymore. That faded out long ago. But I care about him more than anyone else in the world still. He's still my best friend. So I do love him, just in a different way.

Back to the word vomit, though. I want to ask him out. Roll over one morning and say it. I would get turned down, though...so I don't do it. I'm just so scared that one day, one significant moment, it's going to come out. Word vomit all over the place with hurt to follow.

Things can be different! He's back to being himself again...things are going well for him...I know they can be. I have this feeling that this is right and this is what should be happening before he leaves.

But, saying it would be word vomit and it would induce a fight. So I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Why do I write?

2010-01-13T19:52:00.004-05:00

I have an assignment due tomorrow. It's for my magazine writing class on why I do what I do. Why do I write?

I write because I have to. I write because it's what I do. I write because my mind speaks words in ways that my mouth cannot, and they're transferred to my fingertips and onto a piece of paper. I write because I see what I'm thinking, and once it's on paper it's out of my mind. I write because it transfers my worries from my head so I can move on to something else. I write because one day I hope to become famous. I write because my friends like to read what I put onto paper. I write because it helps me get better grades on papers. I write because I have to. Writing is my own private get away. It lets me explore numerous possibilities with different characters and situations.
I write because if I didn’t, the past three years I would have had no outlet. I would not have known how to express my feelings at not being able to walk for two years, or for being a medical mystery. I write because I know other people are going through it, too. It is a struggle that many people have gone through before me, are going through now, and will go through after me. It is the same now. I write because I can’t let my best friend know how upset I am that he is joining the Air Force. It’s not because I’m not proud of him, or because I disagree with it, but because we have been inseparable for seven years.
I write because it is who I am. The words, the feelings and the emotion that I think, have and feel are all put onto paper and out of my head. I write because now, I don’t have to think about not talking to him, or even seeing him for the majority of six years. I write because I can’t put into words how much he believes he can do this on his own, but I know him well enough to know he can’t. I write, so at some point, he can read it…and realize how much he actually means to me and how strong our friendship actually is.
That is why I write. It’s simple, really. There isn’t a great long meaningful explanation to it. It’s just how I am. I was going to start off saying something about how April O’Nielle from the Ninja Turtles inspired me, but I could never be on camera…so writing was the next best thing. That did inspire me when I was five. I’m not that five year old anymore, though. I’m 21 real life has hit, and I write to get through it.

Dilema

2010-01-12T14:13:00.006-05:00

I had no idea how much my legs could hurt after not walking to class for a month. It should be no big deal...except, my knee makes it a big deal. I haven't taken a shot in three weeks. Is that bad? I want to go into remission SO bad...can that happen if I keep taking my shots every 15 days? How will I ever know if I actually do go into remission?

I don't want to have to take a shot every 15 days in order to walk. I will, but now I'm to the point where I can dance again. I can do my mile and a half every day, I can play tennis (I actually enrolled in a Tennis I class this semester!). Enbrel has helped a ton, but now I'm starting to think I can do without it. Mistake? My mom thinks so. My best friend, as well.

Do I take this chance and stop, only to later on not have the shot work at all? Or do I take the chance, just walk, run, play like normal and never know the difference? It's tough. I'm not sure what to do.

I do know, though, that this is a dilema. It doesn't help that I don't have any shots here, at my house. They're all at my parent's back home in Swartz Creek. If I'm going to continue pushing myself, I need that shot.

In other news: my Class schedule this semester is awesome. Good classes and good Profs. I'm outgoing this time, and have already made many friends in my classes.

My WWII history prof, she will be the struggle. I feel the need to salute her every time I enter that room. It's like I just enlisted in the United States Army in 1941 and I'm being shipped overseas. Bring it on, Germany, Japan and Italy. I'm ready to take you on.

My Tennis coach is CUTE. Big bright blue eyes, sandy blond hair, wonderful. Plus, since I played in high school, I know more than most of the class (which is 35 people!) and he asked for volunteers to be TA's. That's me! Kristen Ammerman, Tennis TA. All I want to do is perfect my serve. My volley's, backhands and forehands are awesome. I'm so excited to FINALLY be able to serve the ball like Maria Sharapova and kick my best friends butt.

Magazine Writing, Journ 332, will be my favorite journalism course thus far. I can just tell. Rodney instilled that I write because I'm better than the other people out there. I write because I have experiences to share, and I write because it's what I need to do.

I just know that this is my semester. I'm going to be found this semester, and I'm going to work for it. I'm sick of just settling. Let's do this.

Determined. Day 1.

2010-01-12T13:31:00.003-05:00

I am a writer. I am a good writer. I know this. It's time to get it out to the rest of the world. My Blog, although I do love it dearly, isn't just working anymore. I write because I have to write. My Journ Prof for this semester has made me realize this. With just one class, he made me realize that I have so much potential that I am not using.

So this is day one. The day that I start writing things that matter, whether it be about my RA, college life, a struggling 20 something, etc. It's time I put all of my talent to use and start submitting articles to publishers. I can't wait on the Flint Journal to hire me as an intern this summer. I need to put it into effect now.

I am determined.
I am talented.
I am ready.
My articles can make a difference to someone, and will.
So, day one.
Ready.
Set.
Go.

Changes*

2010-01-12T11:06:00.003-05:00

Who am I going to play tennis with when you leave?
Who am I going to talk to?
Who am I going to just randomly see movies every night of the week with?

Well, it doesn't matter that much. I'm following you, we talked about that. I'll have my base of friends again down south, where the other 'me' is. The stronger, 'I don't care' me. Wish I had her back.

She still exists. I found her yesterday while playing Tennis, while talking to you in the car. I found her written on my foot.

She doesn't have to go away. I don't have to go away. You just don't realize that. I really wish you would.

I've already said goodbye to three people to the military, and you're the one that's going to hurt me the most. It doesn't help that you want one of the most dangerous jobs out there.

This isn't the way things are supposed to be, and no my biggest secret and fear is out for everyone to see. Things don't have to change between us. They'll stay exactly as they were yesterday. This time you changed, not me, you just fail to see that. You're going to need me more than you ever did before.

Strength

2010-01-11T00:39:00.003-05:00

I get strength from the oddest things. Randomly, Spontaneously, I got this tattoo two days ago. I was upset, mad, and feeling weak. I needed something to jolt me back to reality to make me remember all that I have been through, and all that I will go through.

I've wanted this tattoo for a while, just didn't have the guts to get it. I made my facebook status 'who wants to go with me to get a needle stuck in myself...again?' I just laughed a bit, thinking about how I wouldn't actually do it. Then, while I was in the shower, I thought, 'why not?' Why not go and get a tattoo? Of this exact phrase that has gotten me through the hardest years of my life?

With a nerve I never thought I would have, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care that my parent's would give me hell, I didn't care that my best friend didn't like the placement. It's my body, my life. So I went to go get an estimate. It was cheaper than I expected. I hopped in the chair right then. Eric drew the design at Evolution in Swartz Creek, and within twenty minutes I had new art on my foot. I love it. To say the least.

Pain has a different definition to me, now. It has for a while. My foot hurt, I won't lie to you. Even though I was white knuckled throughout the whole thing and grimacing almost every time the needle went in me, I realized that if I just control my breathing (like I did with a 16 gauge in my kneecap), it's not bad. I even got into a fight with my brothers, and because I controlled my breathing, I was able to handle more than I could before. I truly am stronger.

Life goes on. Hundreds of people have been through this before me, thousands are going through this now, and a million will go through it after me. I am not the only one. Life goes on.

I got a new bed, and a new frame. I'm starting over again, completely this time.
It's time I grew up. New semester, new bed, new attitude. I got this.
Completely.

Angry

2010-01-07T07:23:00.003-05:00

I feel stupid. I've been through this before, I've been through almost everything before.
Breakups, Hospitals, heartbreak, losing my friends, losing family. I've gotten through it and now I'm stronger than I ever have been before.

If I've been through it all before, why is this time not any easier? Scratch that, it is, but now I'm just filled with anger. Not understanding, not sadness. Anger. I'm angry that I let him do this to me again. I'm angry that I'm going to lose my best friend unless he changes, because as much as he says it's me who has changed, it isn't. I'm angry that I can't sleep, I'm angry that I have to force myself to eat because I'm not hungry. I'm angry that he's weak. I'm angry that he thinks we can still be friends. I'm angry that one day, he's going to realize what a mistake he's made, and I won't be there.

I'm angry that there's a giant hole in my stomach that I can't seem to fill. I'm angry that I'm crying. I'm angry that he thinks we can go back to the way we were. I'm angry that I'm alone in this house at seven in the morning with no one to help me. I'm not lost, but I'm confused. I'm not exactly sure what the next step is, but I know I'll find it.

I'm so sick of this happening. I just want to be happy. I thought I was. Apparently I was completely wrong.

Winter is not my friend

2009-12-14T10:11:00.002-05:00

I love the first snowfall. I love playing in the snow. Ice skating, snowmen, snowball fights, snowboarding & snowmobiling. Snow Snow Snow Snow.

However, winter is not my friend.

Since I take Enbrel, my immune system is severely compromised. It works perfectly for my needs except for that one little bit. Honestly? Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fifteen hospital visits a winter in order to walk. Sometimes I'd rather just be healthy, be able to go to class & not have to take incompletes in all of them just so I can catch up. Sometimes.

It's hard. I'm 21 years old and not in the place I need to be. I should be graduating this year. Next semester, even. Instead of waiting until fall of the semester after, maybe even spring semester. I don't fail. I never failed in my life until I was in College, and that is heartbreaking. Just because my body holds me back from something I just want to do.
Interesting, huh?
So, those of you who skip classes just because you can,
or those of you who fail because you didn't put any effort into it,
just try.
Try, because even when I try my hardest, something comes up, and my best isn't really good enough anymore.

Swine of '09

2009-11-24T22:03:00.003-05:00

I went and got my Swine Flu shot yesterday. Having an Autoimmune disease post me most at risk for it, therefor I got special treatment & recieved it before it's offered to the general public. I only had to make sure I wasn't allergic to eggs (been eating them my whole life...think I'm safe) and then I was in. After my Doctor's office sent my recrods to actually prove that I an a disease.

An hour later I was sitting in the office waiting for my name to be called. It's funny thinking about all of the hype that's going on about the Swine right now. My little brother had it. I've been on a college campus, and I haven't caught it at all, and I'm the one who's most susseptable to it. Whatever--maybe I'm just sneaky and avoiding it :)

It didn't hurt, even with all of the hype. I expected it to somewhat, like normal shots do. But, my arm wasn't even sore the next day. I didn't even feel the needle go in! Maybe it's because I'm used to 16 gauge needles sticking out of my knee, without numbing solution? I don't know--but it was easy.

Thinking about it, I used to be wary of needles. Even now, I get hyped up but then realize it's nothing I haven't done before. My roommates can't even watch me, or be in the same room when I give myself my Enbrel shot. You can't even see the needle in the sureclick.
See? It's nothing. The only pain I get from that is the actual medicine. It burns. Even then, the burning goes away in a couple minutes. Sure, the area is irritated so I have to wear loose jeans, but not a big deal. It's insane how they faint, throw up, or just get woozy from even talking about a needle.

Honestly, this shot I couldn't even feel. Maybe it was just that specific nurse. Way to go for knowing how to give a shot. It made my experience at Olin a great one.

I'm so sick

2009-11-18T11:00:00.002-05:00

of being the girl who's always happy. Always opitimistic. Things will always work out. They do, just not when you want them to. Everything takes time. Well, Time, Time SUCKS.
I need help now. I need monetary help, I need scholarly help, and I need a hug. These past two days everything is seemingly falling apart on me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal, but it is. It is to me. I hate being in this position and I hate not being able to do anything about it. I'm a fixer, and right now I can't fix. I can't fix, I can't help, I can't do anything. I'm scheduled to work right now, but they'll probably tell me not to come in.
This semseter needs to be OVER. I need to pass my classes & move on with my schooling. I'm so ready to be done it's insane. I'm ready to have a big break. I'm done with school and I want to move on with my life. I want to move on.

I'm ready.

Halloween <3

2009-10-31T13:06:00.002-04:00

Halloween. The best holiday, in my opinion. My favorite holiday. The one day where I can dress up, be whatever I want to be (ended up picking an old dance costume...I'm one of Tink's fairy friends), and pretend I'm not who I am.

Not that who I am is bad, but it's fun not being me every once in a while. It's fun not having RA, it's fun not worrying about whether today will be the day my leg will swell up once again. It's fun not being the Senior in college with a.) medical debts b.) credit card debt and c.) not enough hours at work.

All my worries go away for one day. Candy, adult beverages, and costumes. With my boy at my side nothing can go wrong. He starts work tomorrow, and tomorrow is when I put in my one 9 hour day a week.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. She spent all of five minutes with me while telling me I could be a poster child for Enbrel. I should be on a commercial making a ton of money!

I wish.

But, I'm all right, my knee is all right, and tonight is going to rock.
Bring on the fun :-D

Procrastination

2009-10-29T09:48:00.002-04:00

Four minutes into writing my paper that's due at 3:00 PM today about Fight Club (you'd think it'd be easy and fun to analyze Fight Club, and if I actually put effort into it I'm sure it would be)and I've already taken a study break. Yes, I am that lame. Truth is, I don't really care how to fits into the 'New Historicism' analysis. I know it's a good book, and could psycologically analyze it all day long. However, I just can't bring myself to analyze something that I don't really care about.

I know, as well, that it doesn't matter that I don't care about it. This was the assignment and this is what I have to write about. Whatever. If someone can explain what New Historicism is, and the key parts that go into it, and how the novel fits it just basically, I can bullshit the rest of the story.

But, this is also me.
and I work well under pressure.
That is,
until my procrastinating is done.

I'd be lying..

2009-10-16T13:29:00.002-04:00

If I said I didn't care. I do care.
I care that you don't call me back.
I care that you don't answer my texts.
I care that you just send my calls to voicemails.
I care.
I care that we were closer when I was 2,000 miles away.
I care that you have seemingly traded me in for people who you never once clicked with.
I care that you still have my jeans AND my t-shirt.
those were fucking expensive.
I care that you basically just dismissed me.
You don't dismiss people.
I dismiss people.
I care that I didn't have the say in when the relationship was over.
You basically just dumped me on prom night in the rain standing by the curb.
Thanks.
Thanks for being a shitty friend
thanks for being a shitty sister.
Thanks for only talking about stupid fucking home depot drama that I didn't care about.
Grow up.
Realize life isn't just about using guys and being a slut.
Those situations you got yourself into? Yea. that's what you were. A slut with a capital S.
Way to go. I'm sure your mother and sister would be SO proud.
I hate the way you just dismiss me.
I'm honestly starting to hate you.

hiding

2009-10-15T17:07:00.003-04:00

I'm bold, I'm spunky.
I'm out there, I'm fun.
Why isn't this person I am coming out? Am I scared?
Scared that people won't like me?
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...
but I don't care that much.
I can stand on my own two feet.
I can (I will, and I do) make mistakes.
I'm quirky.
I'm fixed.
I'm finally on the right track.
So why won't I come out?
Why do I feel the need to hide?
I'm funky and wacky.
You can't help but love me.
When I come out.
So why am I always hiding my true self?

Subconcious stress*

2009-10-11T18:39:00.003-04:00

I absolutely love how when everything seems fine in my life, when I have 'nothing' to worry about, I feel a dull ache in my knee. Kind of like how some people claim they can feel that it's going to rain, my knee tells me when I'm stressed out. Like today.

Nothing was wrong, I was sitting in garden just writing. Writing my story about my summer, and my knee started just aching. So bad it almost brought me to tears. It's not something that Tylonal can take away, it's a deep bone ache. Lovely that I'm irrational and overemotional, as well, due to that thing called being a girl and having a period. Then I have to go through the process of what I'm stressing out about. That's the thing. Nothing. There is nothing to be stressed out about. Maybe I just needed to take my shot. Then I figured it out.

I was lonely. For no reason, because I know I need this 'alone' time. I could write, I could do homework, I could read. I get to do absolutely nothing until I fall asleep, and I'm really not going to be that pleasant, so why be around people? There's really no reason.

I want to see Mike again. I want to see Matt. Tanner and Barnard as well. I want the boys to be home. That's what I want. Then, I think, I'd be happy & the pain in my knee would only be dull. That, would actually be perfect.

Fall*

2009-10-08T16:41:00.002-04:00

I love having the immune system of a three year old. Really,I do. I love how a common head cold turns my whole world upside down just because I am on a medicine that lowers my immune system to almost nothing.

It means that a cold that would only take 'regular' people a week to get over, might take me two. Maybe two & a half, or possibly more than that.

It's wonderful with flu season sneaking up on us. I can't get the new spray flu vaccine, because it could pose major health risks for me. Fall, as much as I love it, is not my best friend.

and running, running*

2009-05-28T00:19:00.002-04:00

I burned my back today. My day off, and I burned my back laying outside reading a book (which I finished in one day). Awesome. I guess it's a good deal that I sleep on my stomache so my back won't get irritated. In a couple of days I will look like the Copper Tone Girl. Awesome.

I took my Enbrel shot out of the freezer today to thaw it out so I can take it in a couple of days. I'm not sure...but I think it was frozen solid. I put it in the fridge hoping it will thaw, if not just warm up a bit. I'll take it in a couple days (I'm shooting for either Friday or Saturday).

I went for a run tonight to get my mind off of things. Money, school, and the thing that's been on my mind a lot today: missing my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. This is a thank you to them, for supporting me since they've known me.

One, for eight years now. Thank you for being there when I couldn't walk and was going through the hardest time of my life. Thank you for letting me go, and letting me grow here in Texas. I hope you do the same in Chicago, and I am so excited for you to begin that. I think I'm more excited than you are...because a part of you believes it won't happen. I promise you--it will. We'll figure it out one way or another. Just because I'm in Texas does not mean I will let you falter. You're my best friend, you're my boy. You can count on me.

The other only knew me for a month, if that, before I left. She and I have become so close in such a short amount of time I'm very upset I did not meet her sooner, especially since she hung out with many many people that I knew from high school. Thank you for supporting me in the hard times that have fallen upon my path since you've known me. You always make me smile and it helps that we're so in tune with what the other wants/needs that we mise as well be lesbian lovers ;).

I can not wait until ya'll are down here for the little time you can be and have fun. It'll be a blast.

The run cleared up many things for me, though. It felt so good to be doing something that four months ago I wasn't able to. I will never ever take running for granted, and even if I go out for fifteen minutes, or an hour, I always come back with a smile on my face. No one understands how exhilerating it is to feel the wind on your face, to push yourself further, and to feel completely exhausted after a run. A lot of people would, and do, hate it--but to me it's corny, but it's a blessing.

Thank you, Dr. Sobotka, for letting me be able to run again. Thank you for letting me be able to travel down to Austin, Texas for the summer and not have knee issues. Last year when I visited Austin for just two weeks, my knee, which was doing really well, decided it couldn't take the heat and swelled up causing me pain every night when I had to entertain a ten year old girl and her best friend during a sleep over. I couldn't play, couldn't swim. I couldn't even walk the dogs.

Maybe all of you should go out for a run. Just because you can.
It's a joy many people don't have anymore :)

?Hablo espanol? !Si!

2009-05-27T04:07:00.002-04:00

I started at Depot in Texas today...well, my first real day. There's already talk about the 'new cute cashier from Michigan...I wonder if she's single?'. That was nice. Yet, the one thing that stood out the most:

Mexicans have a lot of nerve. I could never imagine
a.) trying to pick someone up and saying their name wrong (it's KrisTEN, not Christian)
b.)when they're obviously not interested keep pushing the issue
c.)yell to get their attention from another department just so you can say 'hola' and wave.
d.) get their attention again before you leave just so he/she knows your presence is no longer there.

Kevin was right. They're crazy.
It's not like my name is a hard one! Not at all! No offense to anyone out there, but really, it's one of the easiest names to say, even if you have an accent! Not only that, but have some tact! I've dealt with people from Flint all of my life. Yes, they are creepy. Yes, they are manageable. This, though, this is a whole other level of creepy that I don't even know how to handle! I've never had anyone in my entire life try to come on to me as hard as many many mexicans tried today.

Then it made me think...and no offense to anyone that is of hispanic origin out there reading this...but I'm in Texas. How many of those Latino men in Home Depot are illegal immigrants? Just a thought. I'd like to know the numbers on that...however, there probably aren't any.

They are just incredulous. Unbelievable. Insane. Crazy. Loco!

What is amazing, though, is seeing the little white girl speak spanish right back to them. Pretty soon, if I hear one more comment in spanish about how my ass is nice, or how they'd like to 'contigo a su casa' I will 'a la chingada' in their faces. Who, ever, EVER thinks it is alright, even in another LANGUAGE to speak like that about a girl when she's right in front of you?? Let alone AT ALL.

Surprise. You speak spanish? I speak un poquito (a little bit). It impressed a couple of the customers today...but some of the men, I will wait until they come in again or say something so completely out of line that it deserves the little naive white girls come-back.

I grew up around Flint. I can take care of myself. I'm used to creepy. However...some of the people down here are just a whole other brand of creepy that I'm not used to. Thank God I can comprehend most of the language and not be lost and feel too uncomfortable when the customers just go on a rant in espanol.

The stares, though. I get it, I'm the fresh meat, I'm the new girl. I'm from the north, I have dark hair(I've seen mostly blondes down south). Please, though! Get over it! Be discreet! Hath no one learned the art of subtlety anymore?!

It's unfathomable.

It makes me want my support system back. Mitch, who would beat anyone up who even looked at me funny. Phil and Brian, the guys who always had my back when someone even slightly raised their voice. Woody, who would run all of hte creepers off. They took care of their girls at my other store. This one...I'm not so sure about. I mean, I felt that protection the very first day. The new store, they just shrug their shoulders and let it go.
Awesome.
I want my support structure back. I don't want to have to 'a la chingada' a customer. Don't get me wrong, I will. I don't want to, though.

But I won't let myself get into a situation that I can't stick up for myself. It's called manners. The customers at my new store need to learn some.

Poolside*

2009-05-22T13:04:00.001-04:00

My best friend is my ex-boyfriend. How many things are wrong with that statement? He has a new girl in his life…how much pain is in that one for me? That’s why I’m leaving. That’s why this summer is a summer of changes. We need this summer. One of us is running from something…she’s not sure what. One is finding herself, one is growing up and figuring out what he needs in his life…and the last is making us all proud by actually doing what we all wish we could. It is a summer of growth. A summer of mystery laughs and plain kick ass times that we wish we could all share together…but we need to do separately.
I’m the one running away. As soon as I can…matter of fact. Mike left today. Shipped out to the Air Force, and I don’t think that anyone leaving has ever affected me so much. I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle riding down with the guy I’m not quite over yet and his new girl. I sucked it up, though, because I was one of his best friends. He needed my support. And so did my best friend, Colin, when he started crying on the way home (don’t tell anyone I said that…he’d deny it).
Noelle is the 4th in the group. She’s Mike’s girlfriend…and today had a devastating affect on her. Just a little bit more so than all of us. He had a small army there to send him off. Six of his closest friends and his uncle. Noelle and I cried the whole way home. We knew.
We knew that Summer had begun…and the changes we had been dreading for so long were about to claim us. We could no longer stay the naïve 20 somethings that we wanted to be. I, who just turned 21, had to chase an opportunity that I’ve been striving for forever. Now that it’s here, I can’t chicken out just because I’ll be away from my friends. Noelle, she needs to make huge decisions by herself…and trust that they are the right ones. Colin needs to grow up. He needs to finally do something with his life instead of idly sitting by and watching it pass…and Mike, well, Mike is already on his way. Mike is already doing something that the rest of us wish we could do. He knows where is life is going, what he’s doing. It’s set for him for the next six years. The rest of us, however, are feeling more lost than ever.
~*~
Who knew that partying with my Aunt and her friends would be such a blast? It was officially ‘Get Arnette’s Neice Drunk Night’ last night…and it worked. Drinking after 24 hours of no sleep…going on 36 was not the best choice for me. However, a Patrone Shot, beer, Caramel Apple shot, and 4 beers after, I was dying. Literally. I don’t think I was all that drunk (we started with the Patrone at 8, ended at 2 AM), but the mixture of being awake for 48 hours at this point and having a buzz pushed me to the point of no return. I was falling down, stumbling everywhere. I did not do Michigan State proud. All of the Texans showed me up, especially when I kept falling on my ass.
This is a soul searching adventure. This is where I find me. I will find out who I am, I will not let him get me down. I don’t need a guy to make me happy. I just need a few good friends. Why is that so hard right now? Oh. Yea. I’m in a new fucking state, a new fucking city, and no fucking friends! Time to get off my ass and do something about it. I will not let him hold me down. I will not let him control what I feel. I did not, did not run across the country to have him follow me. I won’t let him. No girl should ever hold on this long to unrequited love. Never. Please, please, learn from my mistakes. It will save you a world of hurt. The journey to finding yourself again, however, it could just be worth making that mistake. We’ll find out.

sorry sorry sorry!

2009-04-30T11:33:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...but this last week has been extremely eventful. Tuesday was my birthday! *yay* 21 now. I went and spent it with a couple of friends at BDubs. It was amazing. I had a smirnoff ice brought to the table with a candle on it! Thanks Jennifer :). I started the evening out with the best margarita ever, switching to a drink called Merry Berri, then a long island iced tea. *yech* may I add. After that I had the smirnoff, and then I had a lemondrop. ohhh yum! All in all, I was still fine. At least, until hte boys gave me shots at the bonfire that night. But that's another story...

Today is my doctors appointment with the Rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get another set of my shots & she can see how well I'm doing. I really want her to know that he helped me out greatly...and I'm not quite sure what's going to happen. She might switch the medication because it is heavy, or she might just let it be. We'll find out.

Hopefully movie night tonight. I've downloaded Bride Wars and really want to watch it again :)
but first...I need to finish this 10 page paper. I'm on page 7 of 10 and running out of material. anyone know anything about the economy from the 80's to the present? You'd think this would be the easiest to write about...but we have to tie it into lecture and my prof. has only been focusing on the political and culture aspects. Not the economy. Stupid university classes.

BUT! At least I'm 21 :)

Livin' on Dreams & Spaghettios, Wonderin' where my life is going to go*

2009-04-20T12:13:00.002-04:00

Not having enough money to pay rent is a bitch. Granted, it's what everyone goes through at one time or another (except my parent's, because they're abnormal...or just smart), but it's still a bitch.

It's not a problem getting the money. I just have to work, first. I'm picking up all the hours I can, but it's totally going to suck this weekend with it being Spanish Hell Week. Really. I hate the last few weeks leading up to Exam week. They're stressful, and then add in these economic problems, too. Really? They're not wanted. Lesson learned. Another check marked on my list. Thank you, world.

I haven't been back to my apartment at all yet today. I've just been running aroudn campus and it's been alright. I'm not in a bad mood, rather, I'm content. Maggie and I joked and were stupid about serious situations in class, and it was fun. I think we cheer each other up when we're faced with stupid situations we shouldn't have to deal with. We think a lot alike, and it's good. Honestly, I'm really glad I started talking to her again. I'm kind of sad actually that we faded away in high school & middle school, but whatever! It's COLLEGE and there are no rules now.

I look forward to going to History just because I know she and I can talk about whatever and no judgements will be made. No matter how unsure I am of my situation right now, When we talk about it, it sounds like this is the right plan for me. Thank you, Maggie. It's awesome that we just through the 'rules' out the window and can be great friends once again. You're amazing.

the only thing not sexy about rain is that it smells like worms*

2009-04-20T09:07:00.002-04:00

Unless you're on the ocean or near the ocean, right? Then it doesn't smell like worms. Then it's completely sexy and smells amazing (yes, rain does have a smell).
Anywho.

Today I was so groggy it wasn't even funny. I decided the only way to start it before I went to class was to get Beaners and scarf down a bagel. The boys (Barnard and Colin) call me a Beaners addict. In Virginia we were up and about int he morning and I was looking for a Starbucks, seeing as how Beaners is native to Michigan, mostly the East Lansing area. They just opened one up in Houghton Lake, Mt. Pleasant, Davison, and Gaylord. So, when Josh said, 'No, I don't see a Starbucks, but I see a Beaners!" in a very excited tone, I freaked out. I shreeked, "WHERE?!" and he bust out laughing, patting my head and telling me I was an addict, and that statement proved it. *sigh*.

Oh--check out Beaners--now Biggby Coffee. They used to be Beaners (my freshman year of college) before the company decided it was a racial stereotype and got rid of it. However, to MSU students it will forever be Beaners. Sorry to any Latinos out there.

...and now the prof is here. damn for class not being canceled. tiempo para habla espanol!

I'm not Setteling...for anything less than everything*

2009-04-19T20:47:00.002-04:00

We're friends. I'm at ease with that, really at ease for that, for the first time in a long time. It's the only thing I can ask for. I'm happy with it. It's about damn time.

I'm finally at ease that we're going to go off, have separate summers, and we're going to talk on the phone. We'll come back and share our stories. This is a chapter in my life that I need to take. A chapter that focuses on me. I'm not losing my best friend, I'm just letting him grow up.

It's going to take a while before I can feel comfortable with him and another girl...but he's not looking for that and I'm not looking for another boy. He and I had our chance, it's over, and we make better friends. There's no longer that tension when we were anything more, we don't fight 24/7. I have the guts to tell him when he's completely being an idiot. And I love being the person who knows him better than anyone.

He's my boy.
My best friend.
My rock.
We're the straight Will & Grace. And we both need this summer to grow as separate individuals, who can become better friends.
I love him to death, and am so glad that I can say that without any romantic attachment to those words. I love him, but my time of being in love with him ended long, long ago.
I can't wait for him to scare the shit out of the next guy I date, I can't wait for the 'I'm going to hurt you if you make her cry' speech. It'll be a while, but it will get there.

My BEST FRIEND is absolutely amazing. And there's no one else I'd rather play tennis with...and get my ass beat by.

and PS...if this is Austin, I still love you

2009-04-19T09:43:00.003-04:00

Austin, Texas. Where my heart is. Where 6th street, The Texas Longhorns and my Aunt Nette is. Where I get to drive a BMW convertible basically when I want.

More importantly, Austin, Texas, is where I will be living this summer. Where I will embark on a new chapter in my life, without my friends. I'm doing what I've always wanted to do, get up and go. Start fresh. Where I can be someone completely different than I am now. It's another shot at College, in a way. This time I wont let myself down, though.

It's scary...
It's a great experience.
It's new...
It's interesting.
Everything will change...
probably for the better.
It's scary, it's uncertain, but it needs to happen.

This will be the true test. This will be a defining moment & time in my life. Maybe another Tattoo is in order? Em and I will have to go get the one we want. Life Goes on. On my foot, I think. I'm not sure, though.

Austin is exciting! It's where I will be living in two years, not even. I need to get used to the idea of being there. Austin is getting closer, and plans are being finalized. As everything is starting to be set in stone, I'm starting to chicken out. What is wrong with me?! I love Austin. I love my aunt, my cousins & my Uncle Marc. I need to get out and experience it.

No inhibitions, no regrets, no excuses. Just get out and do it.

To call...or NOT to call?

2009-04-18T19:59:00.004-04:00

Yay for work. Seriously. Christen worked today, and so did Lindsay, and they revived my mood again. They got me thinking, and thanks to Julie, I remembered that I am a very independent and awesome woman.

I can do anything I want to, and I know it. I've overcome so many challenges since I started college it's uncanny.

Freshman year, I had a horrible roommate experience. I worked my way out of that and finished the year with Emory, who is now one of my best friends. Plus, add in my first real heartbreak. Being in a foreign place, falling apart from my best friends, and being dumped by my first 'true' love really, at that time, I thought, put the icing on the cake...but Not only did I hate my living situation, I failed one class and didn't do so great in the rest, landing on the Academic Probation list the end of first semester. Well, long story short I worked my ass off and I got off of it, ending the year with a 2.0 GPA. This coming from the girl who was always on A/B honor roll, and in NHS. But, College isn't high school, and I soon realized that.

The summer of my Freshman year, my knee swelled up. The first time they drained it, I think there was 100 CC's that came out. They took x-rays and did all the regular treatment. Everything was fine, there wasn't any damage to the knee. They didn't have an answer...I just got to walk around in pain. I had a good attitude, though, if I can brag for a second. I knew the doctors were going to find an answer for it, I was sure of that. It bothered me that I couldn't do normal things...like coach baseball for my brother or dance, or even go on walks or bike rides like I used to. But that was okay. An answer was going to be found, I was going to get better.

With a Cortazone shot in September, I did. Then, it was off to school once more. Sophomore year at Michigan State University, so far, has been my best year there. I got into my classes that I needed for my major, and they were awesome. My friends, Mel, Elissa and I spelled trouble. We didn't miss a sporting/drinking event. It was then that I started to finally 'move on' from him...and it wasn't my proudest moment. I'm not going to reveal to the world what happened because I am that ashamed of it. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Everyone makes their mistakes and this one was one of mine. I can't ignore it, though, because it has helped defined me. Then, in March, I felt a "pop" during the night and the next day I had trouble walking. My RA was back...only then we still didn't know what it was.

That summer I was so discouraged. I didn't know who I had turned into, because even though I still had my happy-go-lucky attitude, I would break down to my mother and my best friend. They would see me at my worst. Props to them for helping me out, too. This time...I felt let down. My mom had to keep reminding me that the doctors were going to find a cure. I was just worn out...I didn't feel like there would ever be an end. I was put on Steroids(Predisone), Sulfur pills (Asulfasalizine) and Hydrochloriquin. The Prednisone eased the pain...and the other two pills brought hte swelling down a tad, but not much. I had my knee drained twice that summer. Once 50 CC's was taken out and the next time 75 CC's. Nothing changed, though. Throughout many hospital visits I still stayed the same. I couldn't wear jeans without being uncomfortable. My knee and body looked great on paper. I didn't have any abnormal bloodwork and the x-ray's still showed no damage.

It wasn't until December, 2008 that I felt like I had sprained my wrist. In all actuality, it had started to swell, too. Wearing bracelets irritated it...even wearing a hair tie around my wrist bothered me. In school I had just pulled off Academic Probation for the second time, and was diagnosed with a Math Learning Disability...only after failing my math course for the second time and Economics as well. It was then that my doctor confirmed it was RA, and put me on the 'heavy artilery'. Enbrel. It has been my saving grace.

That brings me to the present. I'm not struggling with school now, but that's because I don't have any math-related courses. My knee is perfect (except for the cracking every time I stand up, but that's okay. I can deal with that). My faith in doctors is restored, and I was right all along. They would find a diagnoses and make me better.

I am a survivor. I preservere...and I will get through this as well. This isn't something that I haven't been through before...millions of people have gone through it before me, millions of people are dealing with it now, and millions of people will deal with it after me.

Now, the only decision is this. Do I call him? Do I want someone to run to? Someone to make me feel better? Or do I move on, by myself, as the independent woman I am? And trust me, I'm not talking about who you think I am.

I honestly, have no idea. It's mean, what I could do...but it's mean what he did to me. Big girls don't cry, they get revenge. But do I want revenge? I thought I had moved on from that. All I know is that I do survive, I do persevere...and I will get through this. This is minor compared to what I have faced.
Life.Goes.On.

I'll Miss You

2009-04-18T11:24:00.002-04:00

It absolutely sucks when the one person you want a hug from and a kiss on the forehead can not know that you're anything but okay. You have to put up a front and pretend. I'm horrible at pretending, just for the record. I'm also horrible at lying.

I feel like I'm losing my best friend, because I can't let him see how much this is affecting me. I'm not upset, just sad...and yes, there is a difference.

I want to know that they'll miss me. Just like Mike probably want's to know everyone will miss him when he leaves for the Air Force. Trust me, chico, we will. I've already begun on the wrong path of thinkign about what will happen after you leave instead of enjoying hte days with you here and now.

This summer is going to change us. All of us. The only person I can see staying hte same will be Matt. Our relationships will change. All with that one boy, because we won't be here and he will. He's going to go out and have experiences...probably with the handful of people I don't want him hanging out with, but I don't have a say in that. That will change him.

I asked him if he was going to miss me yesterday. He shrugged and said , 'I'm over it'. WTF does that mean?! I'm going to miss him. I'm goign to be doing something and wish he was there because he'd love it. WTF does, 'I'm over it' mean?! Does it mean he already thought about it? Does it mean he just plain doesn't care?

Having a boy for a best friend is almost NOT worth it.
Be a girl, lose your pair of balls for one second and tell me you're going to miss me. Stop being a guy. Look back three months to where I stayed up with you all night and you let everything out. Think of who's the only person who's ever seen your emotions. Me. I've seen every single side of you. So, please, I don't ask for much anymore. You pretty much dashed all of those hopes in one convorsation. Just give me this. Give me three simple words. Please.
It's all I ask.

Ben & Jerry: The only boys I need

2009-04-17T22:36:00.003-04:00

I almost went to the field today. It was a gorgeous day out...71* for the first time since September. I'm glad I didn't. Thinking would have just...brought me down more.

One day at a time, that's the way to handle everything. I was so surprised that after one day of crying I was perfectly fine. Then the next day? they were okay... and today? Things were still okay, but a little less so. I don't know. It's amazing to me how I can hang out with him and things can be completely normal, feel just right, like everything will be okay and everything will work out.

Then, out of no where, I feel like I've been sucker-punched in the gut. I want to cry and miss that connection so much. I feel like I've become absolutely nothing but another girl, like he won't miss me this summer when I'm gone, that we never even had anything between us what-so-ever.

It made me feel a certain way that I haven't felt since Prom of my Junior year in high school. Four years ago, I had the feeling that I needed a boyfriend. Which, I don't. I am a very, very independent woman and I can handle myself. I've never needed anyone other than a few good friends to make me alright. I'm always sure of myself and always looking to the future. I hate feeling like this, and need to find a way to get over it ASAP. It makes me feel pathetic and helpless. After everything I've been through in the past few years, I know I am anything but. Just another brick in the road...Just another boy I have to not be possessive over. This one's just harder...because I have an intimate history with him. Oh well. One day at a time. Today just had to be kind of sad.

I took my Enbrel Shot today. Those things cost something like 1,200 dollars a pen or something. Crazy. Maybe I can sell one to pay my rent.

But, I was just dancing in my living room today. Nothing too serious, just kicks and chasses. Dancing and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream make everything look and feel better. :)

What is Rheumatoid Arthritus?

2009-04-16T14:40:00.002-04:00

It just occured to me that some/most of you may have heard about Rheumatoid Arthritus, not a lot of people know what it is. Wellll....

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints, the tissue around the joints, as well as other organs in the body. Because it can affect multiple other organs of the body, rheumatoid arthritis is referred to as a systemic illness and is sometimes called rheumatoid disease.

Symptoms vary from person to person. My RA was in my left knee. Inflammation is usually in both knees or two joints, not just one. My case was very rare seeing as how it was only in my left knee until December of 2008, when it spread into my wrist. My wrist wasn't as inflamed as my knee by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt sprained and I couldn't really twist it. Even opening a doorknob was hard to do.

There are various methods of treatment. Steroids are one option, as well as Sulfur pills. Cortazone shots worked at one point for me, but they're unhealthy if taken more than 3 times in a year.

Click HERE for more information about RA

Breaking up with Swartz Creek

2009-04-16T11:53:00.003-04:00

Swartz Creek, Michigan is a wonderful place to raise a family. Well, it was.
I liked it, anyways.

All of my friends, including myself, knew that I was never going to stay in Swartz Creek. Which is fine, small towns aren't for everyone. It's funny, though, how when my world is crumbling around me I go to the one place I never thought I wanted to be.

Who says you Can't go home? No one. It's exactly where I went.

My room is my safe-haven. The place where nothing can ever, ever hurt me. I can shut the door and be my 15 year old self again, telling my dad if anyone called the home phone because they couldn't get my cell phone to say I was asleep. I can watch T.V. and cuddle with my teddy bear, just ignorning the rest of the world. The rain can pour, the sun can shine, there could even be a massive earthquake shaking my entire core, and everything would be alright. That is the comfort of my room.

It is in this room, two days ago, that I realized my life...wasn't fun anymore. It was there that I realized my 'friends' weren't my 'friends' anymore. Constant insults and berating when one certain person was around, incessant tears made me realize they weren't growing up with me...and I would truly be breaking up with Swartz Creek...for good.

High School is over. I realized that those 'friends' didn't matter anymore. I did not want to hang out with them, did not want to be around them, did not want to be associated with them. I found out the one friend I hadn't talked to was the one who was there for me, and she will be, no matter what. Lyndsi never went away, and I'm not sure what exactly happened but it did, and we've said we were going to fix it...I don't think we need to 'fix' it anymore. I called, she answered. I cried, she talked to me for an hour. The same would happen if the situation was reversed. We don't have anything to 'fix'. It never left.

She, Lyndsi, is a real friend. Those assholes? They aren't. I'm BREAKING UP with Swartz Creek and it feels GOOD. Nothing is wrong with that town, in fact it holds some of my best memories. But it's time for me to grow up a little bit more. Time for me to live the life I wanted to live, not being held down by relationships or fear. Nothing is going to hold me back, not even my knee.

This summer is going to be the best summer of my life. I only have three more weeks of schools before I can embark on it. These three weeks include my 21st birthday and finals...but bring it on. The summer of my life, in Austin, Texas, needs to start now. I need to be on a plane having that summer I've always dreamed of. I'm going to make it happen.
Life goes on...
and it's time mine starts figuring that out.

2009-04-16T11:39:00.004-04:00

I'm 20. What's different about my life from anyone elses? Nothing, really. Just the fact that I am a Journalism student at Michigan State University and, oh yea...
I have a chronic illness, which makes my daily life just peachy.

In February I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritus. I had it for two years and, for the most part, couldn't walk. I went from dancing for 13 years to not being able to walk in the morning when I woke up. Can anyone even fathom that? It sucks not being able to do something that you've been doing since you were 3. Let alone not being able to participate in your passion, your outlet for the issues I face. It is possibly the second worst feeling in the world to me.

My doctor (who is absolutely amazing) put me on the Enbrel shot as a last resort in February. I give myself a weekly shot, and there's pain for fifteen minutes as opposed to every single time I walk. I think it's a pretty good trade-off. And, there's even hope that I might go into remission with it :)

No one can understand how devestating it really is to wake up one morning and have your knee be the size of a grapefruit. However, Life goes on. It doesn't wait for you, it doesn't give anyone any breaks. You live with them, get through them, and become a better person because of it. I'm only 20, and I know I haven't figured the world out...but that much is obvious to me by now.

There are good days and there are bad days. You, will experience them all with me. Go on the journey that is my life, and realize, that at the end of the day, life goes on...and things could be way, way worse.

Life*Goes*On

Here we go again

Weight

One Year

Diamonds

We don't need no water....

I love you...

Compromise

Time Out

Team-Building Exercise

I've survived a Month.

Death

Dog Gone It

I live with a boy?!

Hypothetically speaking, of course...

Here's To...

As Luck Has It*

Normal

That Stupid Piece of Metal

If this is Austin, I still love you*

Not very convincing.

The "L" word

Cheers :)

I'm just like you...only prettier

I love being the chick on the back of a bike....

The dreaded

What a Weird day

Do you have the Ations?

Lazy Days*

I'm so doing this.

New Years Resolution

Imagining

Courageous*

Great Night, Rough Morning

Awesome

Haitus...but not the writing kind.

Dear Universe

Not Giving Up

Therapy

Halloween*

Best Friends

Sicko

Soulmate*

stories*

flickering*

Liking Me

Credit Kills.

You're My Best Friend

Dear D

Under the Texan Sky

Sibling Love

I...hate my life, just so you know.

Wine

missing you

No worries*

Tryin' to grow up, but who knows where to start?

I wish....

Here's to Us

missing something...

Video Games

Word Vomit.

Why do I write?

Dilema

Determined. Day 1.

Changes*

Strength

Angry

Winter is not my friend

Swine of '09

I'm so sick

Halloween <3

Procrastination

I'd be lying..

hiding

Subconcious stress*

Fall*

and running, running*

?Hablo espanol? !Si!

Poolside*

sorry sorry sorry!

LifeGoesOn